Sunday, February 15, 2009

The End.

Okay, to see that looks a little's not meant to be.

I've started two different blogs to try and describe all the details of my grandfather's wake/rosary/funeral/burial. One was a very detailed (too detailed) account of everyone and everything and the second was an attempt at a short story to get it out. But here it is:

My grandfather's funeral was hard. Very hard. The hardest part was seeing them close the casket and lock it. The next hardest thing was hugging my dad goodbye when I left. Transference is a dangerous thing.

I've been depressed since that weekend. And now that I write that and I'm tearing up I know it's true. The truth hurts. A slump doesn't even come close. I don't know what it was about the time in Vegas that made it so hard. I wish I saw my family more, even my brothers who drive me absolutely batty with their lives and choices. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live across the street from my family, I'm not insane...I just wish I could see them more often.

My weight has been creeping back up as my food choices have been crappy. I was sick before Vegas, and then got sick again AFTER Vegas. So the gym hasn't been an option, which is okay since I couldn't really drag myself out of bed anyway...sick/depressed...pick one. Whatever. The point to this silly blog is that it is the END of my depression, my dark hole. I will not allow myself to be lost in something that is out of my control. My grandfather is gone. The End. My dad is still alive. The End. I will see my family again. The End. I WILL take care of myself and move along. THE END.


The Sports Mama said...

I am beyond proud of you. You are strong. Stronger than you ever give yourself credit for.

I'm here if you need me. I'm here if you don't need me, too, come to think of it. :) And I really am able to pull myself out of .... well, myself... for people I care about.

FYI? You're one of those people.

YZB said...

Grilled cheese on Tuesday?

I miss you!

the saint said...

I'm virtually giving you a great big hug right now.

I miss you more than you know, and I'm very, very proud of you for writing about and sharing something so personal and painful with all of us who read this and love you so, so much.

Please call if you need anything.

fattygetsfit said...

im sorry for your loss
you can look up the 5 stages of grief and see where you're at, it might help you to feel better knowing that you're feelings are normal

Sexy Hippy (why not?!) said...

Ugh. I am at a loss for words. Just know you are loved and that in you, there is an immense amount of pride. OXOX