Sunday, December 28, 2008
I'm addicted to books, and I know that I'm not alone. I find comfort in that. My addiction started when I was 8 years old. That was when I read my first novel, well...I thought is was a novel, it was over 400 pages. I started reading it because someone close to my family promised me a calligraphy pen if I finished. I read my next book because I realized at that young age that I could be someone else for a little while. I fell in love with the written word, and my love became something else.
This latest 'high' is amazing. I find myself thinking about it all the time. Trainer bought me the first two books of the Twilight series for X-mas. All day Thursday I looked at the book spines, I would pick it up, flip through the pages and inhale that paper and ink smell. I love the feel of a new book, one that has been untouched, a virgin book, my virgin book. I resisted all the way until 9pm. I thought I would just read a little to help me get to sleep, that works for most people, not for me, not when it's good. The next time I looked at the clock it was a little past midnight and I was through with a third of the book. I could have stayed up until I finished, but I chose sleep. I finished it on Friday.
I told myself that I wasn't going to start book 2 until I joined the gym. That was going to be my incentive. But like every other addict those are empty promises. I resisted all day, tried to make myself busy around the house. The need struck me again at bed time, 9:30 this time. Just a chapter, just one, then I'll put it down. I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I looked at the clock and it was 12:30am. Dammit, I did it again. I woke up Saturday and rolled over, grabbed the book, thirsty for just a couple more chapters. Eventually I had to get up and feed the pups. I also had to get ready for my personal training session with Trainer. I was forced out of the house, but I took my book with me. Addictions, they invade your every thought...'what's going to happen now...who will die....will he ever come back...'
Not every book is the same. You have your filler books that you can pick up and put down. And then you have the premium stuff, the stuff that just takes you away, far away, it captures your soul...just for a while, and it stays with you, sometimes changing who you are.
I haven't picked up the book today. I told myself I had to write first. So here I am. Jonesing. Waiting until I can run my hand down that spine and open it to where I left off. Waiting to escape into a different world.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
We were pretty good this year, we didn't overspend, I have a bad habit of doing that. We set a limit and I stayed really close to it. Trainer did really well this year. My favorite presents are my new books from the Twilight series. We were in the bookstore the other week getting my dad his gift and I passed by the display and said, "Hmmm, I really want to read those..." but I didn't pick them up because we're trying to save money. I didn't think Trainer was paying attention, yet I was wrong. He also got me some nice smelly lotion that I wanted, a cute tank to sleep in and a CD that I wanted! Very nice.
Last night Brassy, Trainer and I stayed up late doing 'woo-woo' stuff. We were reading tarot and burning incense, all that great stuff. Trainer was actually pretty receptive to it! That was a first. This is a really good year for him and really, career wise, it has been. Not that the business is super profitable yet, but just the fact that he's out on his own is HUGE! We've had many ups and downs this year, but the business is definitely an 'up.'
Now comes the part of the year where we evaluate everything that we've done and what we're going to do in the new year. It's another big year for us. We'll be growing the business and planning for a 10 year anniversary that we'll celebrate with family and friends in Cabo. Same place we were married. I'm excited about it.
Goals for this year....yeah, I didn't do a great job on my goals. I'll have to set some for next year. As always I'll have the 'lose 10 lbs' on there. Tomorrow I'm going to look at gyms and see which one I'd like to commit to. I need to see what race I'd like to do next year, see where I want to focus my energies, and make sure that I don't try and bite off more than I can chew...which I generally do. Work wise I need to set some boundaries (I'm bad at that too) and make sure that I am taking care of myself. I haven't been blogging because I've been working more and have no energy left for the things that make me happy. All things to think about...*sigh*...
Well, I hope that everyone had a great day today. I love the spirit of giving, it makes me happy to see people happy. Love to you all. Be safe, happy and blissful.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Actually I love Christmas, mostly because I love giving gifts to people. I love seeing the reaction and knowing when I have given the perfect gift. The only problem with Christmas and my love of gift giving is that I can't shop for Trainer until the very last moment. I have the habit of wanting to give, give, give...even before it is time. The first Christmas that Trainer and I celebrated together we ended up unwrapping all of our presents on the 14th of December. Really, I'm not even kidding.
So I've been that person at 11pm on Christmas eve at the mall...shopping with all of the boyfriends and husbands who were aimlessly wandering trying to find that perfect gift. This year I'll have my shopping complete by tomorrow at lunch, latest by the evening. I hope.
Friday, December 5, 2008
I haven't left work before 7:30pm in over a week. And that is the way it is going to play out through December and maybe into January. I'm TRYING not to complain, I am employed after all.
Blood, tested, went down 0.3. Still in the danger zone, but better. I'm eating lots of veggies to see if I can't get it down.
The Director should be coming into town tonight if she and her HOTTIE husband make the flight. I can say that, he's hot, everyone knows it. I'm way excited to see her. They have other people that they are going to see, but they'll be staying at the Hotel McCann so I'll get to see them every day! I'm even going to make them pancakes...jealous? Well, get on a damn flight! :)
Back to work...maybe I can get out of here before their flight lands.
Just a fun pic for y'all. Note the FAT left leg...yeah, sexy baby.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Work is still bogging me down. We had another R.I.F. and I lost my manager. Actually we lost a lot of good people, but it's what the company has to do to survive. As I said before, my job was saved again. My job role will change but that's okay, I'm flexible. I just need that paycheck and insurance benefit.
My mother in-law and her husband, along with my brother in-law and his wife all flew in for turkey day. My MIL is up in Oregon and my BIL is from Los Angeles, on the border of Beverly Hills. For the latter it's like this: It's their world and we just live in it. Truly. My MIL and her husband stayed with us at the house and the BIL and his wife stayed down town at the Four Seasons. He works for a company that runs AV for the big hotel chains so he gets a semi-deal on hotel rates, but still...a deal at the Four Seasons has GOT to be $$$. Anyway, they all came in on Tuesday afternoon. Trainer picked them up and I took the day off to clean the house. I also stopped by the doctors office to get my blood tested and to get this rash on my leg looked at. I know, that sounds gross right?
Yeah, the rash on my leg is a blood rash. Remember all of that thick/thin blood crap and all that stuff about regulating my medication?? Riiiight...well, I haven't been as diligent as I should have been lately and it's a little out of hand. Apparently I haven't been eating enough salad, broccoli, spinach etc. and my activity has been a little off...so that threw my meds into the danger zone. Interpretation: if I get into an accident this week I'm toast, I'll bleed out. Dramatic, I know. I don't think about it that way. The "blood scale" is from 1-5. You, normal people, should be 0-1, meaning you're not on any medication. Me, blood clot girl, should be at 2.5 (right in the middle). Those people who have had heart valve replacement should be at 3.5. What was I at??
Whooops. No wonder I haven't been able to get out of bed or keep myself warm. (that really does happen when it's too thin)
But onward, no time to think about those silly things. My in-laws were arriving!! Trainer was supposed to call me on his way home so I could vacuum at the last minute. He forgot. He called right as they were pulling into the driveway. I was still in my sweats and dinking around on the internet. Of course they didn't care, they were more concerned with getting through the door unscathed from the puppies that were jumping up and down from excitement. The week was pretty uneventful. No comments about my weight (yippee!) and they loved the house. Here are the highlights:
- We ate lots of yummy food out on the town
- I ran the Turkey Trot which is a FIVE MILE race here, in 56 minutes
- I came home after that and cooked a 22lb turkey
- I also prepared all the other fixings and served a dinner for 7, biggest ever for me
- I only drank 4 glasses of wine the whole time, all at once, but whatever
- I was the good daughter in-law, finally, for once!!!
That was it! Oh, and I got my perfume sampler from Sephora. It's 10 best sellers and they send you a gc for a full bottle once you've made your decision...still looking for that next scent... I miss blogging, I'm going to try and get better. I need it. And lastly, my things to be thankful for:
- Thank you, all of my bloggy friends and reader, for all of your comments and support
- Thanks to the higher power that keeps me employed
- And finally I'm thankful that I'm surviving this roller coaster that we call life
Friday, November 21, 2008
This morning the company is doing another R.I.F. Great. My job is safe this time, however some really good people are being let go. After this is over our company will have been cut by 50%. Crazy times....
I'm so thankful for many things in my life, the biggest being that I'm just thankful to be alive. Having an old friend pass away makes you realize how precious life really is, and that we should be grateful and live life to the fullest. Hug those people close to you, share yourself and share your soul.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
This week my goal is not to have any candy, no chocolate, no visiting the big ass candy bowl on the other side of my cube. AND my running partner is back so we're back to jogging three times a week and I'm doing my Core Class on the weekend. So far so good...no chocolate or any kind of candy, not even this weekend.
I wanted to "shock" my system and I ended up starving and not being able to make a rational decision. Won't do that again...well, I probably will knowing me. Later.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Breakfast - Oatmeal (tomorrow I will add blueberries)
Lunch - A can of tuna, straight up, and two eggs OR a salad with olive oil
Dinner - Chicken breast with veggies
Snacks - Veggies, plain yogurt, nuts (no peanuts though)
I'm going to do this a week at a time. I did my weigh in this morning, not pretty...I'm up to 161. Yikes. And I KNOW that I totally sabotaged myself this week in anticipation of my eating plan. For example: Yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, got to work, had a handful of mini-snickers, lunch was Pad Thai with chicken, then more candy bars, a nutty bar (BOTH OF THEM!), and dinner was a frozen pizza and two beers and a half of an apple...just thought I'd throw in the ONE good thing that I ate yesterday. Yep...PIG-O-SARUS Rex, that's me. I'm sure part of the reason that I gained 2.5 pounds this week was lack of drinking water and the amount of sodium that I INHALED yesterday.
I'm not being a very good weight loss buddy to FGF, but my goal is to still lose 5 by 12/12 and I need to find out the significance of that date!
Monday, November 3, 2008
When I was riding I had TONS of ideas for blogging. Of course once I get off the bike all I'm thinking about is a shower. Now I'm blank. NO ideas. Darn it...
I'm trying to lose 5 pounds by December 12th...I think that is when it is...I'm joining a bloggy friend on her journey. I'm a stow-away on her weight loss train. :) I need a plan, and one that doesn't involve a gym since I can't afford a membership right now. So...give me ideas people. How to lose 5 pounds in 7 weeks. Ready...set...go!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Separation is difficult and Divorce can feel like a death.
Did you know that it is hard to make the choice to stay married and work through things? I've known this for years but have never given myself a pat on the back for it. I've never applauded myself for being level headed and "therapist" like in my marriage. When your marriage hits a bump, not a small 'he doesn't help around the house' bump, but a serious 'should I stay or should I go' bump it really throws you for a loop. Duh right? (I like how I start to sound intelligent and then I throw a 'duh' in there) Trainer and I have had bumpy years and this one tops them all.
At first I didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened this year. Something happens when you share with people the inner workings of your marriage. It leaves you open for judgement, even the silent kind of judgement. Once people find out that you are 'less than perfect' they see you that way for a long time. Not on the surface of course, but it's always in the back of their minds. I have been told that I have to stop protecting Trainer, but really I was protecting myself. I don't want people to see me as less than I am because I stayed in the marriage, less of a person because I love being married, less of a person because I believe in my marriage and believe that it can work. I'm not a traditionalist, meaning I don't believe that everyone should stay married because they recited some vows. Look, Trainer and I got married in Mexico, a very nontraditional ceremony....in Spanish.
But seriously some marriages cannot be worked out. If you are physically or emotionally abused or when your spouse refuses to get help for things that need to be addressed...a myriad of reasons to end things.
Did I lose myself in my marriage? Sure I did. Am I still lost in my marriage? No, I haven't been for a long time. Did I change, did Trainer change? Of course we did. We met when we were 21 and 22...if we didn't change that means that we didn't grow. However, I know who I married. I married a man with faults and he married a woman with faults. We've both made mistakes in our marriage, big mistakes...on both sides. But we've managed to weather through it all.
See, I'm babbling again. I had a point to this blog.
I think my original point was that I am a person who wants to be married, and I want to be married to Trainer. That is staying true to myself. I can't forget about what has transpired this year, but I CAN heal from it. I can't expect people to understand, but I don't have to care that they don't understand. I am okay. I will always be okay. As long as I stay true to myself.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Moving...it sucks, it sucks no matter who is moving. Yesterday morning after walking the pups their mile and a half, then doing an hour boot camp, Trainer and I helped New Orleans Boy move. He's a great kid, we love him, however...like I said...moving sucks. Trainer and I have moved many, many times in our lives. This last time when we moved here we got it down to a science. Of course it had to be since we moved across country. Sorry..tangent...back to the story.
We went over to N.O.'s place around noon and we saw that the back of his rig was open and there were boxes in there. Cool, he's already started. We get in to the apartment and holy cow it looked like a tornado had hit his living room. 'Oh boy' is what I was thinking...this is going to be a long day. Well, we just jump right in, that's one thing about Trainer and I, we just get in there and starting doing shit. We were in "work" mode and starting loading whatever we could. Trainer was there for the muscle and I was there to drive another big vehicle. We have a full size truck and a Tahoe, good for space and moving. After the trucks were all full we caravaned down to his new place, which was across town and is not too far in big city terms, but in Austin it was "SO FAR AWAY!" Yes, we're spoiled.
As we turned onto the highway access road we notice that there is a traffic jam...game traffic. Dammit, so we re-routed and made it to his new place in about 30 minutes. Not too bad. Unloading is so much easier than loading. We were done in 40 minutes or so, ate lunch and headed back for another load...and then we repeated the process sans the lunch one more time. Three trips total. Now, I do not know where the f*ck N.O.'s got his bedroom furniture, but holy crap it was heavy. All of his furniture was solid wood, all very nice, but all VERY heavy. I carried the bed frame pieces, the headboard was just ridiculous. Anyway, we did it, we got the heavy stuff moved over and it only took us about 8 hours with travel and lunch. N.O. took us out to a Cajun restaurant that rocked. We ate and drank beer, trying to melt away the aches that were coming.
This morning I woke up feeling like someone drove over me with a truck...I have bruises in the weirdest places, no one should have bruises in these places unless they had a really good time. Well, we did our good deed of the year and helped a friend in need. Poor kid had to work today and he was going to make more trips last night...right now I'm sure he hates moving more than we do.
I am always looking for good sides or salads since we have greens with almost every meal. This month there was a really great 'pizza' and salad recipe. The pizza was made on Flat Out Bread, you can figure that part out, easy breezy right? But the salad is what was SO delish and tasty.
Simple Spinach and goat cheese salad
4 cups of baby spinach (use the pre-bagged, pre-washed to save time)
1 cup of red grapes cut in half (I used black since we couldn't find red, I'm sure green would be good too!)
2Tbs crumbled fresh goat cheese
2Tbs sliced almonds
1 1/2 Tbs Olive Oil
1 1/2 Tbs balsamic vinegar
Salt and Pepper to taste
Combined 1st four ingredients together in a mixing bowl, drizzle with the oil and vinegar, mix thoroughly and season with the salt and pepper. Makes two good sized servings.
This took me about 5 min to put together and I made it while the "pizzas" were in the oven. NO EXCUSES, easy, tasty and I can make double the recipe with the ingredients that I bought, so it comes out to about $1.50 a salad. Rockin.
Friday night we had a costume part "ball" to go to. My friend Minnesota is the marketing director for Goodwill and last year she started a Ghoul Ball. We didn't go last year, but Trainer had donated some sessions and we thought we should go. Last year I bought a nun outfit for Halloween, that was our first Halloween party ever...that we went to dressed up and together. Well, with my new schedule I couldn't get out to get a new outfit so I was a nun again.
To spice it up a little I decided to be a naughty nun, unbeknownst to anyone except me and Trainer. I thought, 'Hmmm....I think I'll wear some risky undergarments under this outfit...' And so I pulled out my Frederick's crotchless panties (hot pink) that have the garter hooks attached, paired it with black sheer thigh high stockings and a sexy push up bra. Waaaa-laaah! Naughty Nun, here I am. My mind was running ramped with fantasies of Trainer pulling me into a dark nook at the ball and having his way with me, or in the parking garage, or in the car...you get the idea. Trainer went as a bloody crazy Doctor. My phrase of the night was:
"He can save your life, but I can save your soul..." People laughed and most went the way of the soul saving...interesting.
Well...what I didn't anticipate was this: My panties were/are super stretchy and a little big so the garter straps were pulling them down. My fantasies of being taken into a dark corner were replaced with fear of someone noticing that my ass was now bear because while walking down 6th Street (Yes, the famous 6th Street in Austin) my panties were about thigh level. Who needs crotchless panties when you basically have none on?? On we walked to the hotel, about 6 or 7 blocks, down the busy street....the only ones in costume because we were late to the party and a week early for the actual day. People commented and at every stop light I tried to not so subtly yank up my drawers. Trainer says, "Wow...tough outfit tonight." Laughing at me. Pfft. Whatever.
At the ball I found a spot and undid the back of the garters and that helped a little. Before we left and at the end of the night I undid the fronts as well. My stockings slid down my legs, pooling at my knees, funny. I didn't care though, my crotchless panties were in place. I even got some goods when I got home. Even though it wasn't the stuff of my fantasies, it was pretty darn good.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
After that I went home, changed again, this time in to my running clothes and met The Democrat for a nice four mile run. Of course my legs were all tight from the class and my heart rate was zooming because I had just drank some strong ass coffee, so the "nice" four mile run was...eh...ok. But, I did it. And actually as much as I made us walk we still finished in our fastest time yet.
After this I went to work to get some reports done for the Monday morning Sales meeting, yep, I went to work all nasty and sweaty. Hey, it was on my way home. And really...who's there to see/smell me?? Actually Superman was, but I kept my distance out of respect for his nose. I was there for a couple of hours and then headed home. Took a much needed shower and weighed myself again. I was down to 158.8. HA! HA! I love water retention.
Ahhh...Sundays. This morning we were up early, well early for two people that have no kids and dogs that will sleep as long as we do. Trainer ran a 10k and I took the pups so we could cheer him on. The puppies LOVE going out in public, they love all the attention that they get...touch whores, that is what they are. 'PLEASE pet me' their eyes plead...and people do. They love the pups, most asking what they are. I mean...look at this face:
Could you possibly resist her? And she's SO soft...fluffy coat. They look like little bears. And they're super sweet. People only hesitate because of their black faces, but once they realize how friendly they are the pups get exactly what they want. Love, love, love.
Anyway, we walked around while Trainer ran the race, I think I got about three miles of walking in, not bad for my day off. I may go ride today, but I'm still feeling the boot camp in the booty. We shall see. When we got home we were going to go out for pancakes, drove to the restaurant and the line outside was ridiculous. Looked like at least an hour wait so I told Trainer to drive to the store, I picked up some gourmet pancake mix and eggs and I made breakfast at home. We were done eating before we would have been seated. AND I only spent $6.00 on breakfast...less actually since there is more than one serving in the package. I'm good... :)
This is my favorite part of Sunday. After breakfast I sit here with my coffee, laptop keeping me warm and Sunday NFL Countdown on the TV. I'm sitting in the recliner (thank god for wireless) and Trainer is laying on the couch, resting.
Oooh, you have to check out his blog this week. It's actually pretty good. Trainer's Blog I guess I'm doing a pretty crappy job with keeping this semi-anonymous huh? HAHA! Please leave a comment if you could. He needs feedback, good or bad...just to know that someone is reading. This is me 'doing my part' for the business. :)
Now it's time to watch some good football and peruse through the cookbooks to make my menu for the week. I still think I need to do a weekly sharing of menus or at least key recipes. For those of you who think you have no time to cook...by the time you get home, decide where to go for 'fast food', go there and order, get your food and drive back home you could have had a healthy meal at home and had the dinner mess cleaned up. Trust me, I used to be the Queen of "where should we go tonight" because I was too tired to cook. Now I'm enjoying cooking and knowing that I'm in control of what goes in my mouth. Here was my Friday dilemma:
I went to happy hour, had one glass of wine and went home to make dinner. It was 6:30pm, Trainer was getting a massage from Brassy. I was going to make steak and red potatoes, but I didn't have potatoes, or stuffing, rice takes an hour...didn't have that long. What did I have?
1 Tenderloin steak (Costco...great price, great meat) sliced
1 Red pepper sliced
1 Green Pepper sliced
1/2 an onion, sliced
1 packet Italian dressing mix
2tsp olive oil
1 can of Black beans
Take your sliced tenderloin, put it in a small bowl and coat it with the Italian dressing mix seasoning. Set aside in fridge until you're ready to cook it. Over medium high heat, heat oil and saute your veggies. Open can of black beans, drain, rinse and dump into a small pot. Cook over med-low heat. Lower heat once you see it's cooking. Move your sauteed veggies to a dish and use the same pan for your meat. (I do this with chicken too, yummers) Cook until it's done to your liking (chicken cook all the way through...duh right?) Throw veggies back in with the meat, toss and then transfer to serving dish. Transfer beans to serving dish. This night I had corn tortillas so I heated those up on the stove (we have gas burners). I served it with reduced fat sour cream, reduced fat cheese and salsa. Dinner was on the table by 7, or whenever he was done with his massage. Trainer used the corn tortillas and I just layered my stuff on the plate. Easy breezy.
So tell me...yeah or nah on the recipe deal? I'll do it once a week if you like it, if not I'll just dump it. :)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I am not my mother.
She gave me eyes of chocolate and her full mouth,
She gave me insight and a silver tipped tongue.
As I grew she taught me kindness and loyalty.
I almost lost my mother,
It was 17 years ago.
She needed me,
She told me to go.
I think she resented me.
The month of October represents so many things. I have several friends who's birthdays are in October (gotta love the Libras and Scorpios!), Halloween is at the end of the month, my dad's birthday is on the 30th, my mom's on the 31st, and of course it is Breast Cancer awareness month. That last one, it's a hard one.
How many people do you know that have been affected by breast cancer? My first experience with is was when I was 17 years old. It was the Spring semester of my senior year of high school. My mom had gone in for her annual appointment, not that I knew...we didn't talk about those kinds of things. But apparently she went in for a follow up mammogram and they discovered that the lump that they (the Dr's) were watching had grown. A biopsy confirmed that it was malignant. I didn't understand, not really, again, we didn't talk about these private matters. All I knew is that my mom had stage 3 breast cancer and she was going to have a radical mastectomy.
I went with my mom to the Dr at the appointment in which they discussed her surgery. The doctor gave her the details and at the end she said, "Ok." The doctor looked at her and said, "Are you okay with everything? Do you have any questions?" My mom said, "No. All good." The doctor glanced over at me and said, "We could talk without her in the room." My mom said, "No need. I'm fine." And he said, "Really...are you okay?" My mom looked at him hard, square in the face and said, "Look, if it has to go, it has to go. It's simple." He said, "What about reconstructive surgery?" My mom said, "What about it? If it wasn't meant to be there then take it off."
This conversation shaped me, it deeply affected me and who I became. Especially in the years following the surgery.
My mom had her surgery right before I went to school. My grandmother came out, only the second time since we had moved there...14 years ago. I did what I could, but again, I really didn't understand everything that was going on. I do remember coming home and seeing my dad with the encyclopedia, sobbing. He had looked up cancer, the days before the internet....where all you could read was in books. He had the book clutched to his chest and tears were running down his face. I'd only see my dad shed tears once before, when his father died. My mom was "fine", she worked up until her surgery. She wasn't concerned. We were all scared, but we didn't talk about it. My older brother was in the army and overseas and my younger brother was only 9.
I went away to college, I left home, when my mom needed me the most, but I didn't even know it. I spent the summer before college in upstate New York (that is it's OWN story) not really thinking about real life. I didn't think about my mom going through chemo and radiation. And after I got home I packed up my stuff, got on a plane and went to Arizona to attend ASU. My mom was still going through treatments, she didn't talk about it.
My mom was angry with me. Angry that I left. Angry that I couldn't read her mind and know that she needed me. Angry that I left her home with the boys who were helpless. What a selfish child I was. I didn't even realize this until years later. How terrible.
My mom made it through her experience. She still reminds me that it was little bro that was there for her...him being 10...I'm sure he lent a lot of support...but that's just bitterness. She still reminds me that I was absent. Little digs here and there. And she can do that, because she survived. She lived. And for that I am grateful.
When I was in my late 20s I lost a co-worker, a good friend, to breast cancer. She had it once every five years until it finally metastasized into the rest of her body and took her in her mid-40s.
Legs' mom is a survivor of breast cancer. She fought a long and hard battle, and thank God...she is still with us...ornery as ever.
I just read about Slick's mom - read his story under Slicksumbich to the right over there...yep, click on it, read it, cry just like I did.
So October is here. I relive my mom's cancer like it was yesterday, not quite finding peace with it yet. I'm a good patient, I get checked every year. I make my way to the smash-o-gram and have only had a scare once. I hope all of you do too, get checked that is...I know it's a pain (both in the ass and your breasts), but please do it. Five minutes of pain can be the difference between losing nothing, losing a breast or losing you life. It sounds so simple doesn't it?
Sorry, didn't mean to get preachy and serious on y'all.
Updates: The job is going ok, I'm playing the good "kiss ass" and getting on the good side of all of my sales people. I am still happy just to have a job...and a paycheck. I'll give you some good stories about all of my sales people, I have a couple already and I've only been doing the job for 2 weeks. Huh. Trainer is good, not sleeping at night, but as far as 'we' go, he's good. I need to take a picture of the ring for you...post it on here...
Just chillin' watching college football, drinking a bevo, my last Pyramid Apricot...damn. I only had one to begin with, probably good though. I'll post more tomorrow. Later gators.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Maybe it's because I'm never going to have kids. Maybe it's because once you've seen one pacifier you've seen them all?? I've given and attended SO many baby showers...and there will be more in my future I'm sure.
Last weekend I went to Home Girl's baby shower. I walked into the hostess's house and as I was sweeping the room looking for her I spotted five other pregnant women. FIVE! And then there were two people who had JUST given birth, a lady who had her 5 month old and 2 year old with her and a couple of other toddlers in the room. I didn't drink the water...that's for damn sure.
I talked to Home Girl twice, once to say hello when I got there and then again to say goodbye when I had to leave. Here's the funny thing - I know more about baby products than the average new mom. Mostly through my friends' experiences. I know which pacifiers are like crack, I know what kind of diapers are best for allergic babies. I know about cloth diapers and how far they've come in the years since my baby brother was in diapers. I know about bottles, breast feeding, chapped and cracked nipples, diaper rash, projectile vomiting, good carries, pack and plays...almost everything. I'm like a consumer's guide for new parents. No one, who does not have a child, should know this much about baby crap.
After the shower I had to drive across town to a one year old's birthday. Which is really just a big party with booze and people are free to bring their kids. I actually enjoy these kinds of parties. It's about the kids, but not really. Trainer went ahead of me and I met him there. So after an hour or so I was ready to go home. I didn't have anything to drink there...not afraid of the water, but it was the day after my emotional breakdown that was induced by a bottle of wine. I think we ended up going to bed at 8:30 or 9pm that night. Crazy.
Back to the showers...I really don't like bridal showers either. I don't mind giving gifts, I don't mind socializing...I hate the games. Yes. Hate. Maybe it's the structure too? I don't know. I'm just anti-shower. The last shower I hosted happened to be a baby shower, and it was done as a cocktail hour, which was fabulous. Legs suggested it (it was HER baby shower) and it was pretty cool. It was done in the evening (another pet peeve of mine...why do they put showers in the middle of the day??) and we had a nice spread. I was the co-host since it was done in Houston. My partner was awesome, I just showed up and paid money and helped set up. :)
Next time you plan a shower make it at 10 and do a brunch with booze, or a cocktail hour at 7pm with booze. Trust me, the pregger people won't care, it saves the majority of your day and you can't go wrong with diapers and booze!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The beautiful campus at Oregon State University.
Newport Beach, OR. The Oregon coastline is something to behold.
Me, after a lot of Rogue...and I think I'm funny. (See...hour glass)
This is the view from the back yard of my in-laws. In the winter when the trees lose their leaves you can see the Willamette river. (Oregon City, OR)
Me with Mr. Kitty (Kitty is really his name...) on the back porch. The cat is a serious touch whore, we're kindred spirits...
I've been trying to think of things to blog about, ideas are also escaping me... Let's try this approach:
Work - Well, now that I'm in my new position I'm finding that I'm irritated with Plain, the asshole CFO for those of you who forgot. Every day that goes by and he says, "Good morning" or "How are you?" I find myself saying, "Morning" and "Fine" with no emotion in my voice. I reflect on my tone and behavior and realize that I'm being semi-immature. On the other hand I feel like he doesn't deserve any emotion. He cast me aside. The one that was supposed to protect my position, since I was doing HIS work. The team isn't having to pick up any slack b/c I wasn't doing a task related work. Nothing that "so and so" had to have on a certain day. We'll see what happens at the end of the month where my job really came into play.
I'm getting more exercise at work, I have to walk back and forth from my desk to the warehouse several times a day. I'm getting to know the other side of the operation and interacting with a different set of people. AND I'm busy all day long. Which is why my blog has been neglected. It was a rough week, but it ended up okay. I deal with sales people. Enough said. Okay, maybe not...sales people have to be the sneakiest, most persistent people in the world. Great for making a sale, but a real pain in my ass when they're on my ass all day. Everything is NOW, NOW, NOW with them. "They HAVE to have it by tomorrow!" Right...everyone HAS to have it by tomorrow. Give me a break. One sales guy was being an ass and after he calmed down and I helped him with his issue I said, "I like Starbucks and a really good red wine." Hint, hint you bastards.
Home - Home life is pretty good right now. We just struggling with the business side of things, trying to get new clients in the door...hard trying to sell something that requires discretionary spending...something that most of us don't have right now. I think I'm trough my transition with the new job, emotionally speaking. I have a job, I'm grateful, I have a lot more than most people these days. When you can still afford cable, you're doing pretty good in my book.
We do have a goal for this month, which is to only go out to dinner once. It's going to be our reward. And really to tell you the truth I'd rather eat my food than some greasy chain food, it's just the time that gets me. After working 8-10 hours I'm exhausted and really don't want to spend another hour plus in the kitchen. I've been keeping up with my menu and adding a new dish every week. I think I need to post some of these recipes, they are fabulous. And most are super easy...and BONUS...they are super healthy. Our one dinner out this month is going to be a special treat - SUSHI! I 'puffy heart with glitter' sushi. Trainer's aunt and uncle sent me a check for my b-day, it was late and they missed last year too so it was double! That is what we're using to pay for our dinner...BONUS - FREE SUSHI night out!
Hmmm...what else... Oh yes, we had Brassy and N.O. Boy over this week. Love them!! It's so nice to have another couple to hang with, especially 'cause they're easy to be around. All four of us get along. Brassy made her famous margaritas...OMG...she bragged about them and after drinking them, she definitely has bragging rights. Holy crap man...they are the dangerous ones, they tasted like juice and you don't realize that they're strong until you're slurring after two of them. We stayed up way too late and I missed my run the next morning. No big, it was worth it. I made my green chile enchiladas and they turned out pretty good too. I attempted to make my mom's Spanish rice, but it didn't turn out as well as I would have liked. I always do something wrong, not sure what it is! I called my dad in a panic b/c I wanted to make the rice, but I always forget how. He couldn't remember either so he called my mom at work...HAHA! Yes, I'm a daddy's girl and he'll do whatever it takes to make me happy if he can. Yay for me!
Well, that was my week. Nothing too crazy. Right now we're watching the Red River Rivalry and I'm still in my workout clothes. I love weekends.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Oregon was a lot of fun. We got in on Wednesday evening and the MIL had dinner ready for us when we got to her house. Turkey burgers and a bean salad, very healthy and very tasty, right up our alley since we (I - we've discussed Trainer's lack of knowledge in the kitchen) cook in a very similar fashion. We didn't get to bed until midnight, which was really 2am to us, and we were beat. The next morning we were up at 6:30am, really 8:30am in our heads, and stayed in bed and watched CNN. We got out of bed at about 7:30, ate breakfast, chatted with the MIL and her husband and then went for a run. Trainer ran 6 miles, I ran with Money (that will be my name for the step dad) since he's injured and can't run fast and I just DON'T run fast. We went 2 miles. Not bad for vacation right? (Plus I have to add that I ran M, T and W, so these were bonus miles!)
We petered around the house for a while and had to leave by 1pm to drive down to Corvallis. All the papers that morning had mentioned the USC vs Oregon State game. Big time. Trainer called upset that morning and I thought he was dreaming, there was NO WAY that OSU could upset USC this early in the season. But his good mood was infectious and I got into it as well. We ended up leaving around 2pm and got into Corvallis at 3:30. Not bad. Checked in the Super 8...yikes...and drove on to campus. I do have to say that Oregon State is beautiful. I went to Arizona State and all of the buildings are mismatched and it's in the middle of Tempe, a big city. In Corvallis the campus IS the city. And the city was lit up with excitement for the game.
It was pretty cool to see Trainer in this nostalgic state, showing me his old stomping grounds. The first stop was the college bookstore where we could get our Orange on. I bought this really cute layered shirt that is fitted so my boobs looked really good. Next stop was back at the car so we could change. Then we ate at his favorite pizza joint American Dream (you KNEW that we'd have pizza right?), having a slice and a pitcher of beer. OH SO GOOD...the Northwest beer is AMAZING. It was the Deschutes IPA...oh, love...yum. After we were tipsy and full we headed to the stadium. We really didn't get a good look at the tickets so we didn't know where we were sitting, we just figured it would be in the upper deck. Nope. Once we got into the stadium we were directed to our seats...row 11 baby! The entire stadium was dressed in orange, save for a few maroon shirts here and there. Everyone was pretty pumped up. Trainer was in awe of the upgrades to the stadium and the support as well. When he was in school season tickets were FREE and no one showed up. And here we were in a sea of orange. I was pretty impressed.
The Beavs vs The Trojans
And yes, YZB, I totally see the humor in that...haha..Beavers...hehehe...I'm so immature!
The game was AMAZING! I know a lot of you aren't football watching peeps, but that is okay. We (I am siding myself with the Beavs since I'm a fan my marriage - UNLESS they are playing ASU) were up 21-0 at half time and the USC bench looked defeated. After half time we figured that USC would come back strong and they looked it, jumping up and down on the sidelines, getting all excited. But our Beavs stayed strong and didn't let up the defense. The first time USC scored their fans were like..."haha" and we said, "dude, it's only 7 points." In the last 3 minutes of the game the students started climbing down from the stands, just waiting to rush the field. The score was 27-21 at the end and as the clock ticked down the state troopers circled around the goal posts. The kids rushed the field and everyone was high fiving and giving the few SC fans a hard time. We drove back to the motel and dropped off the car, then headed over the the McMenamin's pub so I could drink my Ruby beer. Ahhhh...so tasty. Good beer and victory.
After eating a decent breakfast of oatmeal and fruit we headed to the coast. Since this was our vacation for the year we decided to spend two days of it alone. Newport was just an hour away and we wound through the mountains with the evergreen trees to find ourselves at the coast line. Again, I find it SO amazing that one minute you're in the mountains and then *BAM* you're looking at the Pacific Ocean! We arrived at the hotel early, but they let us check in...and it was a good thing because our brewery tour started at 3pm. We dropped off our stuff and headed back out, traveling a short distance to Rogue brewery. We had been there before in 1996, when it was really, really small operation. My how things change. The tour was cool, nothing too over the top. Afterward we headed upstairs to the bar to sample the product...yummmmm....nothing beats fresh beer, fresh COLD beer. We each started with a pint and then we did a couple of tasters and decided that we should get some beer to go so we could drive back. (Smart, I know...always thinking!)
Back to the hotel we went. As we walked into our room we saw that the toilet was not where it should be...it was IN the room, not the bathroom. There was a call from the front desk and we had to move rooms, just next door so no big deal, it was just weird. We decided to pour our beer into "to go" cups and walk on the beach. THAT was cool. Me and my husband, ocean, beer and the sunset. We were too drunk to go out for dinner and nothing was close so we did what? That's right...called out for pizza. :)
Then back to Portland the next day to spend the rest of our time with the MIL and Money. I call him money b/c that is what Trainer has always called him, not because he HAS money...although he does. We took the long way back to his mom's house, going to see the apartments that we lived in when we were there. They still look cool and I'd still live there if I had to do it again. We stopped at Gubanc's, my favorite restaurant that has my favorite chicken sandwich and then back to Oregon City. His mom made reservations for 7pm that night to have our celebratory dinner for Trainer's new business. They took us to McCormick and Schmidt's. Tasty seafood. I had the salmon Caesar salad, it was okay. This was Saturday. Sunday I ran with Money again and this time I averaged a 9:20 minute mile, which is AMAZING for me, although it was a little challenging. After getting cleaned up we went to pick up Trainer's grandma who still lives in Portland. She is such a cutie. It's a funny thing too, since it is Trainer's dad's mom, not his mom's mom. Trainer's dad lives in AZ and his mom is still close to her ex-MIL and treats her like a queen.
We had dinner and chatted late into the night until we had to take grandma home. Her toilet was running and Trainer offered to fix it for her the next morning, how cute is that? So that is what we did Monday morning after breakfast. The weather was nice the whole time, no rain, although I was hoping for rain...I'm weird like that. After fixing the toilet, Trainer installed a new pump, we went back to the house and headed downtown to shop, there's no sales tax...woohoo. This is where my insecurities were tapped. Before we went out MIL says, "do you a have a jacket?" and I say, "no, I don't think I'll need one." Then she says, "well, you could wear one of mine...although I don't think I have any that would fit you, they'd all be too small. No, maybe one, no...definitely too small." She makes three of these kind of remarks in a matter of five minutes. While I was sitting there eating my oatmeal and biting my lip. UGH! Trainer was sitting right there too so he couldn't deny that she said it.
I know she doesn't mean it in a mean way, but COME ON! Give me a f-ing break! We've established that I'm bigger, drop it. And here's the thing...confession time:
I am 5'6", 159lbs and a size 10. A comfortable size 10, no muffin top, fairly flat tummy. I have an hour glass figure and DD breasts, and a booty to match...otherwise I wouldn't be hourglass. There, it's out there! I'm always trying to lose 10 pounds, always. At my heaviest (when I got married) I was 178 pounds and a size 14...barely. I was out of shape, had no muscle tone. At my lowest weight, 151, I was a size eight and had run a half marathon and the same year rode an 150 mile bike ride through Texas. Moved to Austin and gained 10-12 pounds and now I'm chipping away at it. I do WW Core plan, I run 3-4x a week, I walk 1-2x a week, cycle and lift weights. So...I shouldn't be insecure about my weight. Old demons. When I was 14 I was sunbathing in my back yard, my older brother called me "thunder thighs", I was a size 4-6 and 125 pounds. I hit puberty late and overnight between years 15-16...I got hips, boobs and kept my tiny waist...my best friend teased me and pointed out my boobs in the locker room when we were changing for gym. I was mortified and thought there was something wrong with me. Still 125 pounds and hiding in big clothes. See...some things just don't die.
When we were at the airport Trainer asked me if I wanted anything to eat and I retorted, "Yeah, a big fat Cinnabon for your big fat wife!" And I know it wasn't fair. Poor Trainer. But, he knows that he married both me and my insecurities.
Overall it was a wonderful vacation. I had great espresso all week, tasty beer, ran my fastest mile to date and saw one of the best footballs games in my life. When we arrived home on Tuesday afternoon we picked up our pups and headed home. Oh, comfortable home. The next day you know what happened at work. The other thing that happened...when I came home from work I saw a jewelry box on the counter, a ring box. Trainer rounded the corner into the kitchen sporting a new titanium, beautiful ring on his left finger. He's been wearing it every day and only takes it off for work, which is totally acceptable with what he does.
It's the little things that can make you so happy. So, from today on...I'm looking for the little things.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
What a week. This was the longest "short" week ever. Well, it was a short week for me because we got back on the 30th and I went back to work on Wednesday...Layoff day. And talk about a week?? What about this year?
This year I almost lost my marriage.
This year I almost lost my job.
This year I almost lost myself.
The last one being the most important of course. As most of you know, I still have a job, I'm still married and I'm still surviving.
Last night I had a complete melt down. All of the worries and stress built up and at some point (after a bottle of wine) it all came crashing down. It had to, no one can exist like that...or if they do they end up pretty messed up.
Anyway, here's the scoop on the job crap. In reality I lost my job. I am no longer in finance. I no longer do the things that I've been doing for two and a half years. Also in reality, I'm still employed by the same company and my salary didn't change. I was transferred to another department within the company because "I am a valuable employee who's talents couldn't be let go." That came from my cheesy ass CFO dickhead, mother fuc....I digress... He made it out to sound like he "saved" my job, saved me from the list when in reality (so much reality) he's the one that put me on the chopping block. This week and next were/are filled with meetings with him so I can explain to him how I did HIS job. See, that was the problem with my job. I took on all of the responsibilities that were his to make his job easier. Things so that he could be the CFO and not do day to day or mundane things. Ahhh, now he'll remember what I did and how long things took. Fine, whatever, I have a job.
This was the hard part about my job loss/transfer...there was no mourning period. I know that it sounds ridiculous. Let me try and explain.
I am a person who used to boast about being the type that "worked to live" and not "live to work." Trainer falls into the second category, I never thought I did. Until I realized and said out loud "I have my husband and my work...that's it!" That is when it hit me that I identify myself with my job. I have been in accounting for a long time now. Eight years at my previous company and now two and a half here. I pick things up quickly, I'm good with number and decent with financial writing. So, finance was a good and easy fit for me. Now I've been thrown to the other side of the cube farm. I won't socialize with my finance buddies any longer, my teammates. I have new teammates. I have a new cube, I have a new title (although they haven't decided on what that is...), I have tasks??? Tasks. Weird. I lost my comfort zone.
Trainer says that if I really don't like it that I can quit. Which is a nice statement, but of course I can't quit. I'm very lucky, you see my company pays for both mine AND Trainer's benefits. All of them. Not one penny comes out of my paycheck. Now, if I were to find another job, take a pay cut and have to wait for benefits certain things wouldn't be covered - ie; blood clots. Small problem. Also, if I got a new job I'd be starting over making much less than I am now, clawing my way back up. And really, I am starting a new job, I just get to keep the money and the benefits. Are you sitting there asking - What the fuck is her problem?
I know a part of me sounds like a spoiled child. I should get what I want when I want...haha...that's not the case. It was just a shock to leave my job, go on vacation and to be put into a new position that I know nothing about. Round and round I could go...and went last night...circle, circle, circle...
Well, I have a baby shower to go to today. Woohoo. (That was a completely flat emotion, just in case you didn't get it.) But, it's for Home Girl and she's a fave of mine so I'll go and be merry and try to sneak out early. No drinking...I must not drink today...or tomorrow. Damn.
There is more to the melt down than just my job, but that was the bulk of it. I just wanted to cry and rant like a five year old and I did.
Once I get the hang of my new job I should be able to blog more often, let's hope that I pick up on this stuff in the next week. I know you're ALL dying for more from RockinAustin right? :) Peace out kids, I'll chat at you later.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
- Insecurities. Am I insecure? Effin A yes, I am and my mother in-law manages to make me feel even "better" about it.
- The Oregon State Beavs vs. The SC Trojans, that's right...I was THERE to watch it all!
- Do I have a job? We shall find out tomorrow.
- Is Oregon beer superior to most?
- Why is the espresso so much better in the NW?
- Self-identity...mine is really tied to my job, even though all these years I denied it.
Those are just a few things that came up this week. No idea where I'll start. BUT, at the request of my bloggy friends I needed to throw something out there. :) I hope all has been well. I'm itching to catch up on all of my blog reading. However, since I'll be actually be working pretty darn hard this week (or not at all) it may have to wait. Chat at you tomorrow kids!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Trainer had a minor melt down last night. He had his second grand opening of the facility and this was with the local chamber of commerce. He feels totally defeated up in this new location. He makes calls, tries to schedule networking coffees or lunches and nothing is panning out. On one hand I really do feel bad for him. I hate rejection, worst feeling in the world in my opinion. And what he is doing right now is sales, he's selling himself and how shitty it feels when no one wants to buy your product, especially when it's yourself. So, put this on top of my freak out yesterday...yeah, we were a lively bunch last night. The good thing is that we didn't tap into the alcohol. I almost did, in fact I texted The Democrat but she didn't get my text until later.
There are several good things that are going to come out of this situation. One, I've lost 2 pounds in two days, yeah me. That is 2 pounds worth of beer that I can consume and not feel too bad about. Two, I think my life was ready for a change of pace and a new opportunity to learn new things may be just what I needed. Three, I realized just how much I take everything for granted. I hear about it all of the time. Two of my very good friends are without work right now and one JUST got a job after being laid off for over a month. Oh, and four, since we've been watching the budget (and will continue to do so) I've been cooking more, which will hopefully help me lose the extra 3 pounds of beer that I didn't lose before vacation. :) See..silver lining.
My strong belief is that everything happens for a reason, even the really bad stuff. I'm not saying it's fair or right, but these things tell us something. We change, and usually it is for the better. I know that I am being challenged and I am learning every day what things I need to change in my life.
Well kids, I don't know if I'll be able to blog from Portland, if I can I will. If not I'll keep a journal and tell you all about my beer guzzling...I mean very relaxing trip with the in-laws.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tolerance for my own feelings, that I can do...what I'm having trouble with today is tolerating my mad scientist EFFING CFO that we call Plain. He's such a effing schumck. So, late last night...as I was leaving work at 8pm (yes, I was actually working until 8) I stopped to talk to Superman. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't on the list of the people to get laid off. Well...guess what folks? I AM on the list. Well, I was on the list of the President (that we call Peanut) until Superman told him what I did. You know what is totally EFFED up about this? My old boss, the effing CFO, couldn't even tell the President what I did for the company. WHAT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. He totally didn't have my back. I only write all the major reports that get filed with the SEC.
I'm trying to have tolerance for a man who obviously is an idiot. After I had my meeting with him this morning, where he asked me what I did...and questioned whether or not I even liked working for the company...and made stupid comments about my vacation time, he told me to enjoy my vacation. And here's the kicker - I leave tomorrow and we fly back on the 30th. Layoffs will happen on October 1st. Yep, on my first day back to work after my "oh so relaxing vacation that I won't be thinking about the possibility of getting laid off for the first time in my life" I'll either be carrying a severance check home OR I will be moving departments. Which is good because I don't think I can work for Plain any longer.
Please, all of you...do me a favor...click play on my playlist, first song, yep, turn it up...and all together now... "Why you being dickhead for...."
Monday, September 22, 2008
Superman is back at work. THANK GODDESS! And though things are still tense at work (we'll have a series of layoffs in a couple of weeks) they're getting back to "normal". And by "normal" I mean totally dysfunctional. It's worse than my family.
In two days I'll be flying off to Oregon for a little vacation. I love, love, love it there! We bought tickets a while ago for the Oregon State vs. USC football game. And yes, I know that the Beavs are going to get killed, but it will still be fun to go. Trainer and I are PAC-10 peeps, I went to Arizona State (yes Slick, you are allowed to say we suck, but ONLY you. Anyone else, and I'll kick your ass!) and Trainer went to OSU (as you could probably guess because why else would we go to Corvallis, OR?). We fly in on Wednesday evening, go to Corvallis on Thursday and stay the night, then drive to the coast and spend the night in Newport, OR and then drive back to Portland for the remainder of the trip.
We'll be staying with the MIL so that ought to make for some good writing when I return. I'm super stoked to go to the coast. The Oregon coast is just breathtaking. The crashing of the waves, the cold mist, the Pacific Ocean that is so cold that it takes only 10 seconds to lose feeling in your feet if you dare to dip them in...ahhh, love it. When I lived there back in the late 90s I used to drive to the coast every weekend. In jeans and a sweatshirt I would lean against and old tree that had fallen on to the tiny beach. Some times I would write, some times I would read and some times I just closed my eyes and listened to everything around me, meditating and releasing all the pent up emotions that I tend to carry around.
The other thing I'm super excited about is the beer. See, I've been trying to lose 5 pounds before my trip so I could gain 5 pounds in beer on vacation. :) How's THAT for logic? They have some of the best microbrewed beer I have ever tasted in the Pacific Northwest. Some beers are only sold in Portland. So, while we're there we're hitting a McMenamins for the Ruby beer...we'll be taking a tour of the Rouge brewery in Newport, I'm sure we'll hit some cool little places in Portland...ahhh...I can't wait! And to top it off...I don't have to cook for 7 days straight...heaven.
Update on the car that I hit in the parking lot...the owner went to a shop and got an estimate of $1,150!!! WTF? And he'll need a rental for four days. Yeah, right...here's my claim handlers number, have at it.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
On one hand, good for them. I'm glad that they are getting together to hang out, support one another, drink wine and talk, talk, talk. On the other hand...blasted. I hate not being there. I hate missing out. I hate not making up part of the Seven. I'm sad. It makes me realize just how far away Texas is.
Yesterday I tried to get a hold of a couple of them. No one answered. Today, same thing. So I left my typical, "I'm thinking of you, call me back if you can.." messages. No calls back. Not even from my parents!! I think life just happens like that you know?
I've had a couple of very hard, stressful weeks with my co-worker being out. (If he's not back at work on Monday morning I'm going to hunt his ass down!) My neck is so stiff that it's about to lock up again. The culmination of everything that has happened between Trainer and I this past year was discussed on Thursday and though we're moving on it still burns a little bit (as it should.) I'm on my period so everything is emotional and 10x worse in my head than it is in reality. (Sorry, should have prefaced with a TMI Girl Style for that last one.) Plus I'm trying to be upbeat for this silly open house and pushing all this other crap just below the surface. The insecurities, the feeling fat and unattractive, feeling unwanted...or rather unNEEDED...forgotten.
And in my logical mind I know that all of that is bullshit. I'm not that fat, just a little chubby even though I run 3-4x a week and eat healthy 90% of the time. I'm attractive from what people tell me, I mean I'm not like Halle Berry beautiful, but I can take a decent picture. I'm definitely not unwanted, I know that. I have friends here that want to hang out and my friends away would love for me to hang out, I'm just not there. Which is the next thing...I'm not unneeded (I know that's not a word, give me a break, I'm in the darkness!! Oh wait, it IS a word!), I have a lot of people who need me. Not necessarily to do things for them, but just to be there. Which is how it should be. And lastly I know I'll never be forgotten. Not by my Seven Diva girls, not by my new friends here, not by my old co-workers.
But here I am, in the partial darkness, feeling sad. And talking to a F-ing computer. Stupid. I'll get over it, probably by the end of the evening.
Holy crap....you all are going to get tired of me. I wrote three blogs today...
Update - the Saint did call me. Thank god. Now I feel like a baby. Oh well. Time to get ready. And don't worry all...no need to call. I'm okay.
I, unlike my mother, like to wear different perfumes, different scents. I usually have 2-3 bottles at a time. One for day to day, one for night and going out and one for an option if there is a third. Right now I'm wearing Armani Mania and Ralph Lauren's Romance, both of them Trainer picked out. I've worn the Armani for over a year now, even replaced the last bottle, something I don't typically do. But, it works beautifully with my chemistry. The Romance I thought was going to be too heavy, but it's not. A little sultry and musky, but it works and Trainer likes it on me.
I'm almost out of my third bottle of Armani so I decided to switch it up. I have a gift certificate for Sephora (LOVE that store) so I took Trainer with me to shop for a new scent. I was going to send him with the g.c., but I thought it was only fair that I went too. (He hates shopping. Period.)
When you walk into Sephora it is just overwhelming. I could spend hours in that store... Anyway, we started on the men's side of the store, it was actually out of habit because that is where I go to purchase Trainer's cologne. I got to preview some of the new scents that would smell awesome on him, but the gift cert was for ME so we headed over to the women's side. SO many bottles, some classy, some juvenile, some just u-g-l-y. I like the bottles that are clear so I can see the color of the perfume. I have always stayed away from the perfume that is on the gold side. They are always a little too much for me. I think that those ones stay on a little longer too, but I could be making that up.
After smelling about 30 different perfumes my nose was tapped out. We were even using the coffee beans in between every three or so. And right as I was about to make my choice the sales lady walks up..."Can I help you find something?" My response usually would have been, "No thank you, we're doing alright." But today I guess I'm feeling a little chatty and say, "Well, I'm trying to find my next perfume...but I'm all tapped out." She grabs this big book and I tell her what I typically like. This book is amazing. It classifies all these perfumes into categories, then sub categories and then subs of the sub categories. She pointed out a few that I didn't even look at because they were dark bottles. I liked one and sprayed it on my arm. Okay..so...um, shouldn't have done that. The scent reminded me of my grandmother, which isn't a bad thing...unless you're looking for that "Come on honey, you know you want to take my clothes off" perfume. Yeah, the fact that I smelled like my grandma totally tripped me out.
I had another perfume sprayed on my other arm and it was quite please. I was just going to get that one when the sales lady said, "I can give you samples of a couple, a few days worth, so you can test drive them." Huh. I never knew they could do that!!! Another reason to LOVE Sephora!! FREE SAMPLES! So instead of just taking the one home I got a sample of that and then another one that Trainer and I both liked. Right now it's between Versace and Michael Kors. Who will win? Which perfume will be 'just right' with my chemistry?
It's funny what a simple scent can represent. Who is makes you think of...what memories that it can bring back. Do you have a signature scent? Or do you like a variety? I'll give you and update in a few days on which scent wins out for me.
I had to draw some inspiration from Sports Mama this week. Not that she's slutty, she just gave me some topic ideas. So this week I'm going to talk about Fantasies! I was never big into fantasies because I had everything that I wanted.... *pause* ....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah...right.
Apparently my biggest fantasy is being slutty, completely out there wanton sex goddess slutty. I suppose that's where the lingerie comes into play. Of course in the bedroom I've made the fantasy become reality. (I swear if you just met me and had never read my blog you'd think I was nice, sweet and easy to talk to...the end.)
Maybe I've read too many romance novels, and by romance I mean the ones that go into great detail during the sex scenes. One of my favorite authors that writes this kind of romance...Susan Johnson. I think that was the first time that I saw the word "dildo" in print, in a story. After that chapter Trainer got lucky. He didn't know what had happened, but he wasn't complaining. And then there are other authors that are kind of out there, but still have those incredible sex scenes, my favorite is Laurell K. Hamilton. She writes vampire novels and also a fairy series...highly recommend it. Anyway, my reading habits are probably another blog...
Back to the bedroom. What is it about fantasies that make sex enjoyable?
I only fantasize about 10% of the time, I really do prefer to be in the moment. I've never imagined that Trainer is someone else, however I have imagined, or fantasized about someone else being in the bedroom WITH us. And it's usually a woman, sometimes a man. Yes, a threesome. How typical is that? I don't want my fantasy to become a reality, too insecure and really I don't want to share my husband with anyone. But it IS fun to imagine while in the moment for that 10% of the time. AND in my fantasies I'm getting all the attention, whether it's a man or woman.
Jeez, this blog makes me sound so generic. Maybe I should have just skipped it...oh well. I promised myself that whatever came out of my head and ended up being typed had to be posted. Good, bad or indifferent.
So, there it is...my fantasy. To be a wanton sex goddess in the bedroom and at times be joined by another person. Now...what is your fantasy? Does it make sex better? Does it detract from it? All comments are welcome. (Well, except for the weird ones...Allan...)