Time for some insight I suppose...I haven't been super insightful lately. Mostly because things are okay, not perfect, but good.
Separation is difficult and Divorce can feel like a death.
Did you know that it is hard to make the choice to stay married and work through things? I've known this for years but have never given myself a pat on the back for it. I've never applauded myself for being level headed and "therapist" like in my marriage. When your marriage hits a bump, not a small 'he doesn't help around the house' bump, but a serious 'should I stay or should I go' bump it really throws you for a loop. Duh right? (I like how I start to sound intelligent and then I throw a 'duh' in there) Trainer and I have had bumpy years and this one tops them all.
At first I didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened this year. Something happens when you share with people the inner workings of your marriage. It leaves you open for judgement, even the silent kind of judgement. Once people find out that you are 'less than perfect' they see you that way for a long time. Not on the surface of course, but it's always in the back of their minds. I have been told that I have to stop protecting Trainer, but really I was protecting myself. I don't want people to see me as less than I am because I stayed in the marriage, less of a person because I love being married, less of a person because I believe in my marriage and believe that it can work. I'm not a traditionalist, meaning I don't believe that everyone should stay married because they recited some vows. Look, Trainer and I got married in Mexico, a very nontraditional ceremony....in Spanish.
But seriously some marriages cannot be worked out. If you are physically or emotionally abused or when your spouse refuses to get help for things that need to be addressed...a myriad of reasons to end things.
Did I lose myself in my marriage? Sure I did. Am I still lost in my marriage? No, I haven't been for a long time. Did I change, did Trainer change? Of course we did. We met when we were 21 and 22...if we didn't change that means that we didn't grow. However, I know who I married. I married a man with faults and he married a woman with faults. We've both made mistakes in our marriage, big mistakes...on both sides. But we've managed to weather through it all.
See, I'm babbling again. I had a point to this blog.
I think my original point was that I am a person who wants to be married, and I want to be married to Trainer. That is staying true to myself. I can't forget about what has transpired this year, but I CAN heal from it. I can't expect people to understand, but I don't have to care that they don't understand. I am okay. I will always be okay. As long as I stay true to myself.