Date night

Last night was fabulous. One of the best nights that I've had in a while. Trainer asked me out on a date this week, what a nice surprise that was. It made me feel attractive in his eyes, that he wanted to take me out, wine and dine me. All I was told was that we were leaving our house at 6:30pm and to dress downtown casual...which is nice, but not too nice - jeans and a cute top with boots is a good choice. Well...I didn't have a cute top, I mean I DO have nice tops, but nothing that I wanted to wear. So, while Trainer and I were out getting a GC for a raffle I asked if we could stop at White House Black Market.

I LOVE this store, everything except the prices that is. We headed to the back section, the sale section, and found some really cute tops. Trainer sat there while I tried things on, even gave me his opinion and I ended up with one, super cute top, will look fabulous with jeans OR dress pants/skirt etc. It was still a little pricey, but the clothes will last for a long time. Quality over quantity! Anyway, we chilled at home for a while until it was time to "gussy" (that's for you Soul Mate.) I put on makeup, did my hair, got all dressed up and was ready to walk out the door at 6:31pm. Had to push the envelope a little bit...right?

Trainer drove since I didn't know where we were going. We valeted the Tahoe and started walking around the Warehouse district and ended up at Sullivan's steak house. I've been wanting to go there for a long time. They describe it as a 1940s Chicago-style steakhouse. It is beautiful on the inside, all dark wood, a library feel on one side of the restaurant, an open kitchen, ceilings that are high, but not too high so that it's not too loud. I had a glass of wine, Trainer a beer, and started with the Ahi Tuna appetizer. Yum. They brought a loaf of sourdough to the table, fresh bread with butter...I'm in heaven. I decided on the Sea Bass and Trainer had the fillet, and we shared a side of mashed potatoes. The food was incredible. I finished feeling satisfied on the verge of full so we didn't get dessert. This is something that I'm super proud of because I LOVE dessert, especially after a nice dinner. But I decided not to push satisfied to uncomfortably full. After we finished we went to the bar and listened to some jazz while sipping on a little more wine.

We decided to venture out and ended up a couple of Irish bars on 4th Street, very hip, very cool. One of the highlights was at the last bar we had a chance to really talk about some stuff. The stuff that is always under the surface. It's not that I want to keep drudging up the past, but sometimes it helps me get to the present and yes, I KNOW I can't predict the future. But it made me feel good about where we are. Like I said in my previous blog this week has been incredible, and I guess I needed to know if it was real. And it is, some switch...something changed and we're here, in a better place.

Not to say that our 14 years together have been awful, they haven't, not at all. We go through ups and downs like most couples. We've had fun, a lot of fun, and we've had hard times. But the good always out weighed the bad so here we are...still together. And I'm thankful for that. I still get butterflies when he looks at me or puts his hand on the small of my back. I hope that never goes away. And I really hope that we have more of these date nights!

And moving on...

So, it's Friday night. I made an awesome dinner and we didn't even have the conversation that goes like this:

Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
T: "I don't know...what do you want?"
Me: " No seriously, I don't care, what do you feel like having?"
T: "I don't know, what do YOU feel like having?"

This conversation leaves both parties frustrated and usually heading to the phone to call Pei Wei or grabbing the keys to drive to the pizza buffet. Nope, not tonight. I arrived home at 6pm after a LONG day of work and made the salmon that was defrosted in the fridge. And, it was pretty damn good. Whole wheat pasta for my side with a nice side salad. I stayed within my points today, despite the donut...and kolache...dammit...again, stayed within the points.

After my revelation in my last blog I was determined to get up in the morning and exercise and get back to living. How did that go? Well...I had the right attitude, but my body wasn't in sync. Or maybe it was that I really wanted it in one part of my brain, but the other part was still kind of stuck? Regardless, I didn't make it out of bed before 7am this week.No spin, no running, no Body Pump.

One of my favorite bloggers writes "fatty gets fit", which is a truly realistic funny blog that I love, told me to look up the 7 Stages of Grief, to help me deal with what I was going through. I did just that, and it made sense. I melded some of the stages though. Stages 1, 2 and 3 were really just about the pain of losing someone. I totally was stuck in #4, depression, reflection and loneliness. I believe that 5, 6 and 7 will kind of meld as well. 5 is the upward turn and 7 ends with hope, in between is working through. I've always been an overachiever so why not do three steps at once right? Ha. Anyway, it's just taking longer than I thought it would.

Right now, as I write this, I'm watching tv with Trainer and drinking a glass of red wine. My favorite wine actually...a cheap red blend that the Executive introduced me to. Ménage à Trois, it's fabulous, easy to drink and goes with just about everything. Of course it did put me over by 3 points for the day, but it was worth it.

Something significant happened this week, I have to share. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but maybe because of where my mind has been it is kind of a big thing. I believe it was Tuesday or Wednesday I got an email from Trainer asking me how my day was going and if I'd like to go out on a "date" on Saturday night. What? A date? Really?? (You'd think that being a couple with no kids that we'd go out all the time, but not so much.) Of course I said yes, I mean, what kind of girl doesn't want to go out on a date? The best part is that I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing. The other thing that happened was on Wednesday night we were watching Top Chef in bed and Trainer was being all cuddly (really) and we ended up having some pretty great sex. On a SCHOOL night! Date night. Sex. What's next? Hot damn.

He's also been really sweet this week. We've been talking about our days when I get home, we try to get to bed about the same time...I just feel like he's trying to take care of me. Maybe he reads my blog...hmmm...or maybe he just senses that I need this right now? I don't know. I do love it though. It makes me WANT to come home and make dinner for him. It makes me realize how much he does around the house. (Seriously, I haven't cleaned a bathroom in months b/c they're always clean!) It makes me realize that we really do 'get' one another. Sorry, am I babbling? :)

The End.

Okay, to see that looks a little dramatic...it's not meant to be.


I've started two different blogs to try and describe all the details of my grandfather's wake/rosary/funeral/burial. One was a very detailed (too detailed) account of everyone and everything and the second was an attempt at a short story to get it out. But here it is:


My grandfather's funeral was hard. Very hard. The hardest part was seeing them close the casket and lock it. The next hardest thing was hugging my dad goodbye when I left. Transference is a dangerous thing.


I've been depressed since that weekend. And now that I write that and I'm tearing up I know it's true. The truth hurts. A slump doesn't even come close. I don't know what it was about the time in Vegas that made it so hard. I wish I saw my family more, even my brothers who drive me absolutely batty with their lives and choices. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live across the street from my family, I'm not insane...I just wish I could see them more often.


My weight has been creeping back up as my food choices have been crappy. I was sick before Vegas, and then got sick again AFTER Vegas. So the gym hasn't been an option, which is okay since I couldn't really drag myself out of bed anyway...sick/depressed...pick one. Whatever. The point to this silly blog is that it is the END of my depression, my dark hole. I will not allow myself to be lost in something that is out of my control. My grandfather is gone. The End. My dad is still alive. The End. I will see my family again. The End. I WILL take care of myself and move along. THE END.

A play, dinner and a funeral

This, my friends, is exactly what has happened in my absence. I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my last blog. I have one started from my trip to Houston many weeks ago, but then I got sick and it went to the wayside.

Houston was fabulous, I got to spend time with Legs and her family, and to top it off she took me to a Broadway Across America musical. It was called "Spring Awakening"...just think about the teenage definition of awakening and you'll understand what the play was about. I did get to see some T & A on stage, and on a Sunday! What a treat! After it was over we were waiting for the valet to bring the car up and this....umm...gentelman butted into our conversation and said, "That was disgusting! What did you think of it?" Haha, what an opening huh? I responded with, "Well, I didn't think it was disgusting, in fact I thought it was well done, we just weren't expecting it." He retorted with, "Well, that trash (I'm paraphrasing) doesn't belong on Broadway!" and then he walked off. Legs and I were like, "Wow..." and then on our way home we thought of so many things to say to him...but the moment was gone.

The next Tuesday after this particular Sunday I had the pleasure of meeting one of my fellow bloggers that lives in Austin, Totegirl. She is really cool. I can't wait to go out with her again. I took her to my favorite sushi restaurant and then back to my house to have some wine. Good company, sushi and wine...it doesn't get much better!

Then Trainer came down with bronchitis...and that next weekend I became ill. Went to the Dr. on Monday and was diagnosed with an ear infection so I was out of work for two days. Went to work on Wednesday, still feeling like crap. Thursday morning I was working away and my dad calls. Odd...there are only a handful of reasons that my dad would call during the work day and none of those would be pleasant. As I suspected...my Grandfather passed away. My dad said that he would call me back with details so we could make travel arrangements to get out to Vegas.

Well...in the meantime I had invited my Soul Mate to come out and visit. This particular weekend was going to be a tough one for me for other reasons. This was the weekend last year that changed my life, although I didn't realize it until months later. I wanted her to be here to distract me and she just wanted a little break. Since I wasn't able to fly out to Phoenix for our girls weekend I decided that I should bring her here. So after hearing the news of my grandfather passing I was unsure of what to do....should we keep her weekend away or should we reschedule??? I decided to have her fly out anyway, I needed her and I think she needed to be needed by someone who wasn't under the age of 5. :)

We had a great weekend together, although it was really short. Usually when people come to visit I have all these plans made, I know where I'm going to take them, where to eat, what to see....but I was blank, nothing, nada. But I was so grateful that she was here and we stayed up late both nights and drank wine, ate good food and made brownie and ate them with ice cream. I scheduled our flight to Vegas just about the same time as her flight to Phoenix so I got to say goodbye to her in the airport. Everything happened so fast that I didn't even have time to cry. Maybe that was a blessing.

To be continued...

I can't believe it...

I did it again, and not like Britney! I had my blog written, I was just about to change the font...and I erased the whole (#&$*&@!!! thing!!! ARGH! See...if you start from the bottom and shift + up arrow all the way up and manage to go one line to far...POOF - gone. Sad, very sad. It was a very good blog, but apparently no one else will know this.

Maybe I was too conceited in my blog...talking about how I love Facebook because I'm lookin pretty HOT in my pictures and a lot of my old HS "friends" are surprise (or so it seems). I talked about how it wasn't really fair (Brazilian tan, defined shoulders, the right angles), but how good it felt since I was never a 'looker' or popular, not a jock, not a cheerleader...just me. A band, choir, drama geek with a brain. *sigh* Maybe it's a lesson....something to ponder.

Went to the gym (I talked about that too) on Wednesday and did spin class, going tomorrow also. My crotch hurts, my legs hurt...my body hurts from getting up at 4:45am. Who the heck thought that 5:30am cardio classes were a good idea anyway? At least I'm using my membership...you know, since I paid for the year in advance...smart right? Yeah, I know - I'd better use it!

Hmmmm...what else. OH yes, my first full week at work since before the holidays. It sucks. Yep, that sums it up. And to make it worse our president is roaming the halls starting at 5:00pm to see who is still present. Yes, it's not how efficient you are, what kind of quality you produce....it's ALL about what time you get to work and what time you leave. What a load of crap right? Well, lucky for me I've been there every time he's come by. Does it really matter that I'm updating my Facebook at that time? Apparently not.

Lastly I talked about my Grandpa. His condition is not getting better. My dad says that he can't walk or eat by himself any longer. He really doesn't say anything. He's supposed to be rehabilitating but I don't see how he's ever getting out of there. I don't know what keeps him holding on...I just don't know. I cancelled my girls weekend in Phoenix. I'm just not sure if it's his time or not...he is stubborn, but I think his body is just failing. I debated over and over and over again...should I go out before he passes? Will I regret not going? And I decided not to go out before. I want to remember him from when I was a kid. We used to go visit them in CA once a year. I would always get up before everyone else and he'd be up, making instant coffee. He would make me a cup, mostly milk and sugar, but I felt like I was a grown up, and that we shared a secret. I cherish those memories. I don't think I could bear it if he didn't remember who I was.

Ah, life...it's cycle. We all go through it. I hope that I impact some young life as he impacted mine, with warm memories, trivial but special. We can only hope right?

Ah, the new year - 2009

Let's start with New Year's Eve shall we? Trainer and I hosted a little party at our house. It started out as just one person coming over and ended up with 10. Not bad, small, nice...still a little crazy. Let's see...we had The Democrat, Brassy and New Orleans Boy, Minnesota and the Bear (he likes the Bears and he's a big fun guy), Home Girl and Home Boy and the Midwest Girl (although I think I'll rename her Nebraska). The party started at 8 (well, that's when I started drinking) and most people arrived right before 9. We shot the shit in the kitchen. Do you ever notice that this is where most parties end up?

Anyway, I was doing just fine, pacing myself and I really only had 3 1/2 glasses of wine, and for those who know me or if you've been following my blog you know that 3 1/2 glasses is nothing. However, Trainer decided to call upon his bar tending days and started mixing shots. Me, being tipsy and belligerent, was calling people out...and of course when you do that you have to pony up as well. I have NO idea how many shots I had, but the next morning came too soon and my stomach was a wreck for the better half of the day.

Brassy and N.O. Boy stayed the night (safety first!) and I made them breakfast. Do you know how difficult it is to make breakfast when the sight of raw eggs is about to put you over the edge? I put my own queasiness aside and made a breakfast for champions: Apple wheat pancakes, scrambled eggs with cheese and breakfast potatoes. Tasty. Although, I have no idea because the thought of eating at that point was just not there. I had probably a quarter cup of potatoes and a lot of coffee. Nothing like dehydrating yourself even further to make yourself feel better. :)

We spent the rest of the day as we did Christmas day, on the couch. We watched football all day and ate as was necessary. Pizza for lunch, chips and queso for a snack and taquitos (Oh and a big thanks to LEGS for letting me know that I spelled it wrong) for dinner. Yep, I was feeling "great"! That was how I brought in 2009.

The good news? I did join a gym!! Finally. I joined Gold's, it's close to work and has Cardio Cinema. That sealed the deal for me. They play a movie on a big screen, in the dark with a whole bunch of cardio equipment in the room. How cool is that??

The bad news? Okay, well, it's not bad, it's a "starting" point. I wonder how many starting points I'll have in my life...sheesh. I had my measurements and body fat taken. It's written down in a file. The good thing about this is that it's in a file cabinet in the trainer's office and I can't obsess over it because I didn't see the numbers. She told me what my body fat % was and I must say that I was shocked. I only told one person, Yoga Zen Babe, and she thinks that it was wrong. I think it was too, BUT I'll go with it and re-check in 6 weeks.

I start my new routine tomorrow. Spin class. 5:30am. Yikes.

Trainer and I still need to write down our goals for the year. We'll get around to it sometime soon. I already have some in mind:

• One new recipe a month to keep cooking interesting
• Maintain a balance between work and home
• Be consistent with my workouts
• Keep writing, blogs as well as other projects I've been working on
• Get re-married (haha) in October

That's my short list. Well, I need to make my bed with my clean sheets and pack my stuff for tomorrow. WOOHOO!

Addictions

I'm an addict, I know it and I know that it's a problem. When I have it I'm euphoric. I can't stop thinking about it, I put off thing such as working out, cooking, shopping, cleaning...normal life gets put on hold when I have one. And when it's done I get depressed, looking for my next high, the next best thing. It takes me away from this world that I live in. It invades my every thought...I can't function with it, yet I can't imagine life without it. Trainer enables my addiction. He supplied me with my latest hit at Christmas. He knows how wrapped up I can get while in the midst, yet he still finds me the best stuff. Gives it to me freely, knowing that real life will cease while I have it.

I'm addicted to books, and I know that I'm not alone. I find comfort in that. My addiction started when I was 8 years old. That was when I read my first novel, well...I thought is was a novel, it was over 400 pages. I started reading it because someone close to my family promised me a calligraphy pen if I finished. I read my next book because I realized at that young age that I could be someone else for a little while. I fell in love with the written word, and my love became something else.

This latest 'high' is amazing. I find myself thinking about it all the time. Trainer bought me the first two books of the Twilight series for X-mas. All day Thursday I looked at the book spines, I would pick it up, flip through the pages and inhale that paper and ink smell. I love the feel of a new book, one that has been untouched, a virgin book, my virgin book. I resisted all the way until 9pm. I thought I would just read a little to help me get to sleep, that works for most people, not for me, not when it's good. The next time I looked at the clock it was a little past midnight and I was through with a third of the book. I could have stayed up until I finished, but I chose sleep. I finished it on Friday.

I told myself that I wasn't going to start book 2 until I joined the gym. That was going to be my incentive. But like every other addict those are empty promises. I resisted all day, tried to make myself busy around the house. The need struck me again at bed time, 9:30 this time. Just a chapter, just one, then I'll put it down. I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I looked at the clock and it was 12:30am. Dammit, I did it again. I woke up Saturday and rolled over, grabbed the book, thirsty for just a couple more chapters. Eventually I had to get up and feed the pups. I also had to get ready for my personal training session with Trainer. I was forced out of the house, but I took my book with me. Addictions, they invade your every thought...'what's going to happen now...who will die....will he ever come back...'

Not every book is the same. You have your filler books that you can pick up and put down. And then you have the premium stuff, the stuff that just takes you away, far away, it captures your soul...just for a while, and it stays with you, sometimes changing who you are.

I haven't picked up the book today. I told myself I had to write first. So here I am. Jonesing. Waiting until I can run my hand down that spine and open it to where I left off. Waiting to escape into a different world.