Okay...so in high school I hated cheerleaders. HATED them. They made you feel bad about yourself because you weren't a part of their group, you weren't thin enough...athletic enough...you didn't wear the right clothes...etc. Now really, did THEY make you feel bad about yourself? No, probably not, but that whole "status" circle clique crap starts and the feelings of being a lesser person. For most kids it the first time they have these feelings of low self-esteem. I was a size 6 in high school (my junior year) after I hit puberty...late, I know. And I had D sized breasts. You think that I would have celebrated, but really I was really embarrassed and hid my body.
Well, I couldn't attract guys with my body, since I hid it, and I wasn't a flirty girl anyway...something about being Catholic...I don't know. As I've said before I had a lot of friends. I think I made myself feel better by being "there" for people. I hated attracting attention, but I was the first one to lift someone else up. I was there for my mom, dad, brothers...always in the middle of everything. I was there for kids and adults alike. Some how this characteristic carried forward...and here we are in the present.
I am the best EFFING CHEERLEADER EVER! GOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!
I am the go to person. I am the one that will keep your secret, that will listen at any time of the day, any day of the week. My boss confides in me, my friends confide in me and I'm pretty sure my puppies would confide in me if they could talk. Fifi would tell me how much it hurts her feelings when she just wants to eat and Fido won't stop biting her leg.
This one time I went to a strip club, it was my FIRST time, and do you know what happened? Trainer and his friend Bad Influence bought me a lap dance. This chick's ta-tas were huge and of course fake. She asked, "Is this awkward for you?" and I said, "Just a little, but nice boobs." She smiled and continued to talk while I got my 3 minutes of "pleasure." So, then after a while the boys were up at the stage and I was doling out the one dollar bills to them so they wouldn't over spend. I was sitting at our table and the stripper who gave me my lap dance sat down. She started talking to me about her kids, then another one sat down and they were comparing kid notes and I just sat there listening about how tv was SO bad these days. (Riiight, said the stripper mothers to each other.) I would chime in on occasion and pretty soon I had four of the strippers sitting with me...all topless...telling me about their life's ambitions. Just another day in the life of ME.
I have had friends go through almost everything you can imagine. I've had friends go through the divorce of their parents, I've had friends who wanted to end their life, I've had friends in abusive relationships and even one with a serious eating disorder. I've also had friends go through tough but happy times, such as pregnancy. And through all of this I was there. Don't take this wrong, I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. My point is that it's so funny that I despised exactly what I became.
In these upcoming months I need to do a little soul searching. It's hard for me to reach out to people with the really hard stuff. I'M the one who is supposed to be there for people, not the other way around. I'm sure a lot of us feel that way. I hide behind other people's problems, concentrating on their issues instead of dealing with my own. Time to be my own cheerleader.