Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The journey

Doesn't it seem like we hear that a lot? Life is a journey...weight loss is a journey...journey, journey, journey! Why can't we just be there already? I wasn't one of those kids who kept asking "Are we there yet?" and only because my dad would have gone ballistic. Bless his heart, but truly a control freak driver...and yes, that is where I get it from. I'm well aware that I have those tendencies. :) Seriously though, when do you get to that place where you're like..."Ahhhh, here we are, I'm done with the journey." And I hope it's not when I'm on my death bed ready to give myself over to the unknown.

I've been on a lot of "journeys" lately. Weight loss of course. That effin journey is taking way too long. I should be happy where I'm at, but I'm not. I eat right, most of the time, I cook at home 5-6 nights a week. Maybe if I stopped drinking so much on the weekend...that might help. I was going to try that theory out this past weekend, but that didn't happen. The good thing is that instead of drinking 2 days out of the weekend I only did it once....although in that one time I really did it up. Huh. Anyway, I still subscribe to WW online and chat with people on there. Sometimes I get something out of it, other times I want to shout "Jeeezus people, eat less, exercise more...get it through your head!" And of course I don't because we all know that there is psychology to weight loss. Emotional eating, eating because you're bored, eating because you really like food. Ugh.

My work journey is going okay. When I first moved to Austin I was hired as an Accounts Payable person. They PAID me to file, isn't that awesome? I happened to start working there right when their audit was about to start, which is kind of funny because at my last job we were ALWAYS in some kind of audit. They asked if I could do schedules and reconciliations and I did them. Plain was amazed...and then I realized that he really didn't read my resume. Eh, whatever.

I got promoted by August and started my new job. Reporting and Budgeting...fun, fun...I know you're thinking it! I helped the company move it's country of domestication from Canada to the US. It was a 6 month grueling process. I got a wonderful bonus out of it though...a trip to St. John for me and Trainer. Can't beat that with a stick! Well, since then (last June) it's just been floating...my job. I do things, I report on the quarters...yawn...I know...that is what I was feeling too. So, then I have this opportunity to implement some new software packages, and I jumped at it. These are LONG drawn out processes and I still have my reporting duties...a little overwhelmed? Yeah, but it's okay, it's nothing I haven't done before. I do have one tiny little fear, and it's an irrational one, but that I could get a blood clot again. The last time I implemented a software package I had my second one. I KNOW that it's not going to happen this time, but any time my leg swells up I freak out a little.

Which is the next flippin journey...the exercise journey. Kind of tied to the weight loss journey but not really. I don't exercise to lose weight, it's supposed to help, however every time I do some really intense training regimen my body holds on to every pound. So, I do it for my health. I do it so that I won't get a clot again, I do it to make myself a better person, more well rounded to talk to different people, to multi-task when I have a friend with me (you have NO idea how much it helps your endurance when you're running up a 12% grade hill with a friend and talking the entire time), mostly I use it to do something that scares me. I was never an athletic child, I had allergies, and so all of this was new to me. When Trainer and I first got together we didn't exercise, unless you count the 12oz. curls!! When I moved to Austin I wanted to find something that was MY exercise, something that I was really good at. I tried rowing, I loved it, but it is a little far to drive every day. I tried boxing, REALLY loved that. I even have my own bag at home. But, it was expensive and I quit working out at home. Now I'm trying swimming...ugh. Cycling is the one exercise that is almost effortless...almost...and I enjoy it, but it's not completely mine. Running is great when you have the right partner, but it's SO not effortless. One day I'll find something, but until then my journey is to keep looking.

My marriage has been a journey. HAHAHA! That is the understatement of the decade. Sometimes I enjoy the journey, sometimes I reflect on the journey and sometimes I just want to stop and scream "ENOUGH!" But I don't. We keep on the journey. I know he feels the same way at times, he doesn't voice that fact, but it comes through in his actions. Staying out all night without calling, his previous DUI's...it's been a long ass journey. When we moved to Austin and after about 5 months we almost called it quits. Some of you know this, others of you don't. We struggled, mostly it was Trainer that struggled. He doesn't do well with change, and change is something I do very well. That was the closest we ever came to divorce, the word was actually uttered in our conversation. He decided that he needed to give our situation more time, and I'm glad he did. Now we have a new change on the horizon...Trainer going into business with a couple of other trainers. This is a really, really big step for him. Things are starting to roll, and he's starting to react to change like he usually does...with some outlandish behavior that any normal wife would deem unacceptable. However, I'm not that normal wife. I was born with the ability to separate myself from the situation personally and take care of, or guide people through what they're going through.

The Saint says that I've missed my calling as a therapist. Haha, maybe she's right. Maybe my next work journey will be me going back to school for a degree and masters in Psychology? Who knows? All of these journeys are necessary, I understand that, but I don't have to like it all of the time. I know I'm not alone in my journey, there are others around me...my cheerleaders...but the decisions are mine, the path is mine. Time for another leap of faith...

2 comments:

The Sports Mama said...

Someone once said "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the actions in the face of fear." (Or something like that.... you know how I paraphrase!)

You are truly one of the most courageous women I know, and I have always loved that about you. Some of your journeys have helped to inspire my own, and sometimes knowing we're journeying (what? its a word if I say it is!) at the same time, even if its along different paths, gives me hope and strength to carry on.

Sexy Hippy (why not?!) said...

I think you missed your calling as a writer! Dude, your blogs are amazing and always (whether funny or serious) cause me to pause and reflect.