Blogging project - Day 1

My current relationship

Oh, let's see...I've been married for 11 1/2 year and together with Trainer for 16 years. Can I stop there? No? Really?

I've blogged about my relationship before, I've blogged about marriage before. It's like this (for us anyway) - marriage is work, it is hard and can get down right brutal (emotionally) some days. But, every single step, mistake, trip leads us down this path...a path that is full of love and reward and understanding, not only of the other person but of yourself. I never knew how to value myself until I was forced to look into the mirror. Was I worth love? Yes. AM I worth loving? Yes. Do I love myself? More than ever.

Trainer and I met when I was 21, graduating from college and entering my 'wild' (haha) phase. For me 'wild' was spending all of my tips (@ $40 a night) on beer, staying out until 4am and going back to work at 11am. We didn't hook up immediately, but once we did there was no looking back. We had a connection (albeit completely sexual at that point) that led us from the bedroom 16 years ago the the alter. Life is funny that way.

I love him, I love myself, I love our life. Marriage is hard, it is work, but it is worth every tear, every heartache, every smile.

A new challenge...

Okay, so my friend Sprinter started this challenge on her blog this past week. She is an amazing person, talented writer and a great friend. I never finished my other 30 day challenge, so hopefully I can do a little bit better on this one! We shall see. Day 1 - to be released by end of day!

Taxes and bike rides are both a pain in my a**

Okay, well the bike riding is a literal pain in my a**! This weekend I went on a 77mi bike ride with D-Bomb (this will be her nickname, training partner from last year and now great friend!) The funny thing is that our Coach didn't think we could do it, or feel good doing it rather. But we did and I felt great afterward. I mean, I WAS ready to get off my bike at that time, but the whole experience was rather pleasant. Sure the wind was blowing, but nothing compared to our ride last weekend. There were some hills, but nothing too severe and the scenery was beautiful. All in all a wonderful day.


Last weekend Trainer went out of town for training and I started the taxes. Ugh, I loathe taxes. We always owe. We own a house, but the interest is just not enough of a deduction and since we don't have two footed children we lose out there as well. Last night I settled in to finish and see if I could whittle away some of the payment. The ultimate goal is to owe $0 and receive nothing back. The goal was not met, but in some ways it is a privilege to pay taxes. Call me weird, that's fine, but it does support a lot of good programs (a lot of bad ones too, I'm not a complete bleeding heart) and I've known people who have used those programs. But it is never fun to see your savings account shrink in an instant.


This week I'm ready (I say this every week don't I?) to get started on my program. Really, I'm tired of being out of shape. I'll refrain from saying 'fat' but seriously all of my muscle has turned to mush. Blah. I have to get in more than 1-2 workouts a week and start on my strength training again. I hate starting over, but if I don't stop then next year maybe I won't be in this position? Maybe? And maybe this pollen will clear out of the air so I can breathe just a bit easier.


Nothing much to report otherwise. The Brodster is a cutie and he starts training this week. We'll see how that goes. Sprinter is doing a 30 blog challenge and I may steal it, give me some writing inspiration. :) Until then peeps...have a great day!

The Friend Keeper

Instead of the bee keeper...get it? No, okay...fine.

Way back, like at the beginning of my blog, I think I mentioned that I'm a friend collector. Not on purpose, it just happens. I'm a good listener and it makes people like me, then they get to know me and love me. I love back. This used to drive Hoe crazy. She sometimes got annoyed that I had so many friends. From kindergarten through college and then onward into 'real life' I just accumulated some really great relationships. Every one of my friends has meaning in my life and despite the time lapse...or even distance. I keep those people in my heart and thoughts and when we do connect it's like not a moment has passed.

Last year I had a rupture in a friendship. It was horrible. This person was one of my best friends. A person who I could go to with anything. A person that I could ask advice and trust that I was getting good information. One slight problem. This person was a man. *Gasp* I know...shocker right. Because men and women can't be friends? Bah. We were great friends. We dated EONS ago in college (we know what 'dated' means right?) and continued our friendship after a break of about 5 years I think? We would email weekly, I could talk to him about issues that I was having in my marriage and he would give me some perspective that I wouldn't have thought about. He was supportive of my tri efforts as he started down the road before I did.

We talked about everything. Training, spouses, work, his kids, my dogs...our lives. And yes, sometimes he would start his email with, 'What's up cupcake?' or I would say, 'What's going on cookie?' I never thought it was lewd or inappropriate. Trainer knew that I talked to him on a regular basis. I was very open with that fact. He knew that this person did triathlons and was a newbie like me. He knew of our past life. He didn't have a problem with it, but I think it was because it was all out in the open. SO, what do you think happened?

Right. This person wasn't as open with his spouse and she intercepted an email from me while he was racing. I think the email said, "what's up cookie? I think you should do the race anyway. You're going to be the asshole either way, so might as well do it." Apparently she didn't appreciate it and went through ALL of his email accounts. He unfriended me not just from facebook, but from everything. And I understood. And I accepted it, until he made me feel bad about it. Then I got angry. Angry that he wasn't honest. I mean...we don't have to go into every single detail of our 18 year relationship, but maybe talk to her about perspective and how I'm married etc. I guess he did tell her that and she lashed back that I wasn't happily married if I was writing a married man starting with "What's up cookie?" How dare she judge me.

Eh, maybe I crossed a boundary? I told Trainer about all of it as it was happening. Yes, even the part about "What's up cookie?" and he didn't care. But maybe some people would think that I did cross some line. The worst part is that is was all so sudden. Whack! No more emails. No more support. No more friendship. He emails sometimes to check up on me if I haven't posted here. So I know that he still cares. And I respect that he is abiding by her wishes. I would do the same. I know that. It just hurts though. No one wants to be the main topic of a married couple's argument.

I believe that men and women can indeed be friends, close friends. I have one at work. He's married, I trade books with his wife, and I get coffee with him at least 3x a week. But I learned my lesson. I don't email him starting with 'What's up cookie?'

Anyway, love and loss. Life. I don't know why I had to share that story...I wanted to write about it when it happened, but I needed distance from the situation. And I still feel the same way. I hope that one day we can be true friends again and he doesn't have to sneak to email me a message asking me if I'm okay.

Have you ever lost a friendship? It sucks.

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In other news... Training is started! Okay, so I only ran for 30 min, but more than I had done in a while. Tomorrow I will ride 50 miles. I am getting back at it!! My goal is a 1/2 Ironman in the fall. There. I said it. Shit.

This is family year. Trainer's dad is coming in May, I have my reunion in June so I'll see Hoe and my brothers, my parents are coming out in July, Hoe is getting married in August!!!! (And we're going up to New York for the ceremony. I'm so flippin' excited!!!) Trainer's mom is coming out in November. Holy crapola!!

It's going to be busy, crazy and overwhelming...and I cannot wait!

Going towards the light *explicit language

Two months...I think that is the longest I've gone without blogging, but it was a good and necessary break. I'll try to make the recap short.

So we know that the shit storm happened from November through February. There was a point in which I decided to go get help. I'm not sure if it was when I broke down in front of the CFO (my old boss) when I was SO angry that the flood of tears just broke through...or if it was every time that Trainer and I went to grab a drink and I would end up crying. While out at a BAR. Seriously it was getting ridiculous. I am a happy person I think. Sarcastic, yes...but overall I think I have a good outlook on life, especially the older I get. I love my years of aging, they make me feel wise instead of just old. I am secure with myself and my relationships...so really I was getting tired of all of this crying and not being able to say Gunthar's name or the phrase 'Yes, my dog died' without the tears. The hardest part was actually going to the Dr., and when they ask why you are there, replying 'I'm sad.' That was it. THAT made me cry too. He put me on a magic little pill...vitamin Z as my other friend affectionately call it. I take a 1/2 a pill a day and I don't know if it is the placebo effect or the fact that I went and got help...but I felt better in just a couple of days!

Just now...like in the past 2 weeks...I started seeing my friends again and exercising. This is an improvement. I'm motivated to get moving again. Yay! I met with my coach and have a plan. Of course my allergies aren't cooperating, they put me down for a week, but the drive is there even if the lungs are not. I'm staying at my current job for now. They gave me the tiniest of raises (but hey, it's something) and more options. But really it came down to economics. I have 1 1/2 yrs left to pay off the debt, hopefully less if I can swing it. I don't need the extra gas expense or benefits or an hour commute...and..and...and...you get the idea. I took the emotions out of it and here I am.

Brody, the new little guy, is a monster, but a cute monster. He's going to be huge. Right now he's in the puppy biting stage, but housebroken. Sydney is doing great with him, I mean he's a pain in the ass, but she is tolerating okay for now.

Alrighty...well, enough for today. Tomorrow's post, or perhaps Monday, will be about the loss of friendship. I have a great story. Peace out my little peeps!

Chapter Fifteen Thousand and something

Today....today I get to pick up our new addition. It's been a weekend of waiting, and the more I waited the more I thought about Gunthar. Weird huh? I'm just a ball of emotion. Poor little Sydney is trying NOT to soak it all in, but I know that some of it is filtering through to her. This morning I got the little puppy collar and leash out that were Gunthar's, she smelled it and wagged her tail. Then when we went on our walk she stopped at all the places he used to mark and smelled, like she could still pick up his scent. Maybe if the new pup has G-dogs collar she'll be more accepting? Let us hope.

I'm still digging out of my hole of depression. I've never been a depressed person, it's foreign, I don't like it. But that's how I know it's true depression, because as much as I don't like it and am trying to dig out, I just can't. Months now, months of having my tears so close to the surface. I hate it. Truly hate it...and I don't 'hate' things. This sucks though.

This too shall pass. I will be okay. I will. If it doesn't improve I may just have to get professional help, I have no problems doing that. I'm really hoping that the new addition will change my focus. And then maybe I'll get a new job...and then maybe I'll start exercising more consistently! Poor little pup has no idea how much I have riding on his arrival! :)

It seems as though our (Trainer and me) way is never the easy way. Something always happens, most of it out of our control. When everything is going wrong and I feel that the world is against me (and us) I try to give thanks. Yes, when everything feels like it is in the crapper I try to remember that we are lucky. We have a house, two incomes, food on the table and pretty good health, and for the 'pretty good' part we have insurance. So, as much as I whine and cry I do realize that I am one lucky lady...even though Lady Luck does not grace my door that often.

Okay, off to Costco (you thought I was going to say, 'Oh, here's the pizza guy!' didn't you? That was last night!) and then to the pet store to get puppy pads. Let's see if RA has enough patience to get us through Puppy Potty Training. Help me. Peace out Peeps!

My tolerance is being tested

I swear, every time I convince myself that I can make it two more years at my current job something happens to where by the end of the day I want to go home, open a bottle of wine, order pizza and soak in a tub with a flighty historical romance novel. Let's see...if we're keeping up with the pizza count this will be the third time within 8 days that we've had pizza. That's right, I ordered it. And I have a nice new silly romance novel started, a bottle of wine in the cupboard (that may or may not be opened) and I'm SURE the tub will be filled by the end of the night!!

They say that perception is everything right? Well, my COO has decided that we have to be present AT work, meaning in the office, every day from 8am to 6pm. That way we will be working the required 9 hrs a day to get our every other Flex Friday off. I really don't have a problem with the 9 hrs a day rule, I work that, however I start my day between 6-7am at home working with my EU customers, answering emails and getting the morning items taken care of. But this doesn't count towards my hours. Nor does working on the weekends when the sales idiots have a question and I answer, nor does answering emails and phones during my lunch hour...if I get to take a lunch hour. None of these 'extra' hours count. I'm salaried. I'm supposed to be able to work the hours that get my job done. It shouldn't matter if it takes me 5 hrs a day or 12! So guess what? After my vacation next week (yay for Staycations!) I am going to tell management that I will be working 8-5, taking a one hour lunch and NOT taking my Flex Friday. What did they accomplish with this? A less productive (and now very pissy) employee.

I should be going to the gym right now. It is 22 degrees out (and before you give me the sob story about how cold it is where you are...I know we are not the icebox of the nation), I am dehydrated, and I am frustrated, which unfortunately does not translate into 'I want to work out to get out my aggressions!' So here I sit, getting it all out there. Talking to my friends that I know read this....and maybe scaring some that don't read regularly. I almost called a girlfriend to meet me at Truluck's for HH, but I don't need THAT much wine, fattening food (yes, I know pizza isn't health food) or to spend the money.

Had a job interview today. I really didn't want the job, but I wanted the experience of interviewing so I met the guy for lunch. Then he tells me that he really can't eat b/c he just had a temporary crown put in. So...awkward. I asked about the soup, he perked up and we both had soup for lunch. If I had wanted the job I believe it would have been mine, but I told him (honestly) that I didn't believe that it was a right fit for either of us...and you know what? He appreciated that. He told me that some people would take it just because they were in a bad situation and end up wasting everyone's time. I told him that I don't like to disappoint people, least of all myself, and that I didn't think that it was in me to do inside sales. We left on the note of him asking me to spread the word about the position (which I will) and I asked him to keep me in mind if he ever has a Customer Relations/Retentions job opening, or if he hears of anything else. Networking is good right?

Oh, before I forget....HAPPY BIRTHDAY MS. T!!! I want her to feel special today. We weren't super close in HS, but I really dig her now. And she reads this so she must like me a little bit. ;)

Ahhh, feel better already. Peace out my dear friends...as always...thanks for listening.