Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Friend Keeper

Instead of the bee keeper...get it? No, okay...fine.

Way back, like at the beginning of my blog, I think I mentioned that I'm a friend collector. Not on purpose, it just happens. I'm a good listener and it makes people like me, then they get to know me and love me. I love back. This used to drive Hoe crazy. She sometimes got annoyed that I had so many friends. From kindergarten through college and then onward into 'real life' I just accumulated some really great relationships. Every one of my friends has meaning in my life and despite the time lapse...or even distance. I keep those people in my heart and thoughts and when we do connect it's like not a moment has passed.

Last year I had a rupture in a friendship. It was horrible. This person was one of my best friends. A person who I could go to with anything. A person that I could ask advice and trust that I was getting good information. One slight problem. This person was a man. *Gasp* I know...shocker right. Because men and women can't be friends? Bah. We were great friends. We dated EONS ago in college (we know what 'dated' means right?) and continued our friendship after a break of about 5 years I think? We would email weekly, I could talk to him about issues that I was having in my marriage and he would give me some perspective that I wouldn't have thought about. He was supportive of my tri efforts as he started down the road before I did.

We talked about everything. Training, spouses, work, his kids, my dogs...our lives. And yes, sometimes he would start his email with, 'What's up cupcake?' or I would say, 'What's going on cookie?' I never thought it was lewd or inappropriate. Trainer knew that I talked to him on a regular basis. I was very open with that fact. He knew that this person did triathlons and was a newbie like me. He knew of our past life. He didn't have a problem with it, but I think it was because it was all out in the open. SO, what do you think happened?

Right. This person wasn't as open with his spouse and she intercepted an email from me while he was racing. I think the email said, "what's up cookie? I think you should do the race anyway. You're going to be the asshole either way, so might as well do it." Apparently she didn't appreciate it and went through ALL of his email accounts. He unfriended me not just from facebook, but from everything. And I understood. And I accepted it, until he made me feel bad about it. Then I got angry. Angry that he wasn't honest. I mean...we don't have to go into every single detail of our 18 year relationship, but maybe talk to her about perspective and how I'm married etc. I guess he did tell her that and she lashed back that I wasn't happily married if I was writing a married man starting with "What's up cookie?" How dare she judge me.

Eh, maybe I crossed a boundary? I told Trainer about all of it as it was happening. Yes, even the part about "What's up cookie?" and he didn't care. But maybe some people would think that I did cross some line. The worst part is that is was all so sudden. Whack! No more emails. No more support. No more friendship. He emails sometimes to check up on me if I haven't posted here. So I know that he still cares. And I respect that he is abiding by her wishes. I would do the same. I know that. It just hurts though. No one wants to be the main topic of a married couple's argument.

I believe that men and women can indeed be friends, close friends. I have one at work. He's married, I trade books with his wife, and I get coffee with him at least 3x a week. But I learned my lesson. I don't email him starting with 'What's up cookie?'

Anyway, love and loss. Life. I don't know why I had to share that story...I wanted to write about it when it happened, but I needed distance from the situation. And I still feel the same way. I hope that one day we can be true friends again and he doesn't have to sneak to email me a message asking me if I'm okay.

Have you ever lost a friendship? It sucks.
In other news... Training is started! Okay, so I only ran for 30 min, but more than I had done in a while. Tomorrow I will ride 50 miles. I am getting back at it!! My goal is a 1/2 Ironman in the fall. There. I said it. Shit.

This is family year. Trainer's dad is coming in May, I have my reunion in June so I'll see Hoe and my brothers, my parents are coming out in July, Hoe is getting married in August!!!! (And we're going up to New York for the ceremony. I'm so flippin' excited!!!) Trainer's mom is coming out in November. Holy crapola!!

It's going to be busy, crazy and overwhelming...and I cannot wait!


Shanna May said...

Sucks. I've had this happen before and some people just can't handle platonic relationships. You're entitled to be upset, angry, sad, whatever. A loss is a loss and you're probably pretty effin' sick of losing lately. Smooches, my darling girl!

P.S. For the record, there's a damn good reason why so many people want to be your friend. You are a gem. A priceless one at that!

The Sports Mama said...

I was already planning my comment, and then I read something else...and thought...

Holy Shite! She's getting married??

And THEN I thought, That's AWESOME!!

And then I decided to go ahead and give you my original comment....

You can feel free to email my husband whenever you want, and call him Cookie. :) It's not a pet name already taken here, and who knows? Maybe he NEEDS to be called Cookie? ;)

Do you realize I have called you my friend, one of my very bestest of best friends, for over 20 years now??? That is because you, my dear, know how to truly and unconditionally love someone for who they really are, not who they want everyone to see.

And that? Is why you can call him Cookie with my blessing. :)

Love you!!!!!