I'm back

This is just going to be a teaser...there is SO much to blog about this upcoming week...I have no idea where to start. Here is what my next blogs will be about:

• Insecurities. Am I insecure? Effin A yes, I am and my mother in-law manages to make me feel even "better" about it.
• The Oregon State Beavs vs. The SC Trojans, that's right...I was THERE to watch it all!
• Do I have a job? We shall find out tomorrow.
• Is Oregon beer superior to most?
• Why is the espresso so much better in the NW?
• Self-identity...mine is really tied to my job, even though all these years I denied it.

Those are just a few things that came up this week. No idea where I'll start. BUT, at the request of my bloggy friends I needed to throw something out there. :) I hope all has been well. I'm itching to catch up on all of my blog reading. However, since I'll be actually be working pretty darn hard this week (or not at all) it may have to wait. Chat at you tomorrow kids!

Ahhh....vacation...

Well, after a crappy night of sleep and a good 3 mile run this morning followed by another mile of walking the pups I feel much better. I turned on my computer at a quarter 'til 8 and started on a project for my new department, that I'm really hoping that I'm apart of when I return.

Trainer had a minor melt down last night. He had his second grand opening of the facility and this was with the local chamber of commerce. He feels totally defeated up in this new location. He makes calls, tries to schedule networking coffees or lunches and nothing is panning out. On one hand I really do feel bad for him. I hate rejection, worst feeling in the world in my opinion. And what he is doing right now is sales, he's selling himself and how shitty it feels when no one wants to buy your product, especially when it's yourself. So, put this on top of my freak out yesterday...yeah, we were a lively bunch last night. The good thing is that we didn't tap into the alcohol. I almost did, in fact I texted The Democrat but she didn't get my text until later.

There are several good things that are going to come out of this situation. One, I've lost 2 pounds in two days, yeah me. That is 2 pounds worth of beer that I can consume and not feel too bad about. Two, I think my life was ready for a change of pace and a new opportunity to learn new things may be just what I needed. Three, I realized just how much I take everything for granted. I hear about it all of the time. Two of my very good friends are without work right now and one JUST got a job after being laid off for over a month. Oh, and four, since we've been watching the budget (and will continue to do so) I've been cooking more, which will hopefully help me lose the extra 3 pounds of beer that I didn't lose before vacation. :) See..silver lining.

My strong belief is that everything happens for a reason, even the really bad stuff. I'm not saying it's fair or right, but these things tell us something. We change, and usually it is for the better. I know that I am being challenged and I am learning every day what things I need to change in my life.

Well kids, I don't know if I'll be able to blog from Portland, if I can I will. If not I'll keep a journal and tell you all about my beer guzzling...I mean very relaxing trip with the in-laws.

Tolerance

This was the topic of my co-dependency "Thought of the Day" today. How appropriate. Yes, I am a co-dependent person. I need to be needed. I'm working on it.

Tolerance for my own feelings, that I can do...what I'm having trouble with today is tolerating my mad scientist EFFING CFO that we call Plain. He's such a effing schumck. So, late last night...as I was leaving work at 8pm (yes, I was actually working until 8) I stopped to talk to Superman. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't on the list of the people to get laid off. Well...guess what folks? I AM on the list. Well, I was on the list of the President (that we call Peanut) until Superman told him what I did. You know what is totally EFFED up about this? My old boss, the effing CFO, couldn't even tell the President what I did for the company. WHAT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. He totally didn't have my back. I only write all the major reports that get filed with the SEC.

I'm trying to have tolerance for a man who obviously is an idiot. After I had my meeting with him this morning, where he asked me what I did...and questioned whether or not I even liked working for the company...and made stupid comments about my vacation time, he told me to enjoy my vacation. And here's the kicker - I leave tomorrow and we fly back on the 30th. Layoffs will happen on October 1st. Yep, on my first day back to work after my "oh so relaxing vacation that I won't be thinking about the possibility of getting laid off for the first time in my life" I'll either be carrying a severance check home OR I will be moving departments. Which is good because I don't think I can work for Plain any longer.

Please, all of you...do me a favor...click play on my playlist, first song, yep, turn it up...and all together now... "Why you being dickhead for...."

And...cue...MONDAY...3...2...1

First of all...Thank you to all of my bloggy readers and friends who responded to my crybaby post from Saturday. I'm okay, really. If you think back to grade school and all of your friends were in a circle and laughing and playing and you were stuck inside making up work because you were sick and you weren't a part of it...remember that feeling? THAT is how I was feeling. But I'm not any longer. No more green monster of envy hanging out at my house. Just me, Trainer, Fifi and Fido.

Superman is back at work. THANK GODDESS! And though things are still tense at work (we'll have a series of layoffs in a couple of weeks) they're getting back to "normal". And by "normal" I mean totally dysfunctional. It's worse than my family.

In two days I'll be flying off to Oregon for a little vacation. I love, love, love it there! We bought tickets a while ago for the Oregon State vs. USC football game. And yes, I know that the Beavs are going to get killed, but it will still be fun to go. Trainer and I are PAC-10 peeps, I went to Arizona State (yes Slick, you are allowed to say we suck, but ONLY you. Anyone else, and I'll kick your ass!) and Trainer went to OSU (as you could probably guess because why else would we go to Corvallis, OR?). We fly in on Wednesday evening, go to Corvallis on Thursday and stay the night, then drive to the coast and spend the night in Newport, OR and then drive back to Portland for the remainder of the trip.

We'll be staying with the MIL so that ought to make for some good writing when I return. I'm super stoked to go to the coast. The Oregon coast is just breathtaking. The crashing of the waves, the cold mist, the Pacific Ocean that is so cold that it takes only 10 seconds to lose feeling in your feet if you dare to dip them in...ahhh, love it. When I lived there back in the late 90s I used to drive to the coast every weekend. In jeans and a sweatshirt I would lean against and old tree that had fallen on to the tiny beach. Some times I would write, some times I would read and some times I just closed my eyes and listened to everything around me, meditating and releasing all the pent up emotions that I tend to carry around.

The other thing I'm super excited about is the beer. See, I've been trying to lose 5 pounds before my trip so I could gain 5 pounds in beer on vacation. :) How's THAT for logic? They have some of the best microbrewed beer I have ever tasted in the Pacific Northwest. Some beers are only sold in Portland. So, while we're there we're hitting a McMenamins for the Ruby beer...we'll be taking a tour of the Rouge brewery in Newport, I'm sure we'll hit some cool little places in Portland...ahhh...I can't wait! And to top it off...I don't have to cook for 7 days straight...heaven.

Update on the car that I hit in the parking lot...the owner went to a shop and got an estimate of $1,150!!! WTF? And he'll need a rental for four days. Yeah, right...here's my claim handlers number, have at it.

And darkness falls

It's Saturday night and I'm waiting for the time to go by so Yoga Zen Babe can come pick me up with Mr. YZB and Baby YZB. We're going to Trainer's open house tonight. So...I'm bored and I'm reading blogs, check in on my facebook and reading the notifications. A theme amongst my friends..."Looking forward to Seven tonight..." is on several of their pages. Oh.

On one hand, good for them. I'm glad that they are getting together to hang out, support one another, drink wine and talk, talk, talk. On the other hand...blasted. I hate not being there. I hate missing out. I hate not making up part of the Seven. I'm sad. It makes me realize just how far away Texas is.

Yesterday I tried to get a hold of a couple of them. No one answered. Today, same thing. So I left my typical, "I'm thinking of you, call me back if you can.." messages. No calls back. Not even from my parents!! I think life just happens like that you know?

I've had a couple of very hard, stressful weeks with my co-worker being out. (If he's not back at work on Monday morning I'm going to hunt his ass down!) My neck is so stiff that it's about to lock up again. The culmination of everything that has happened between Trainer and I this past year was discussed on Thursday and though we're moving on it still burns a little bit (as it should.) I'm on my period so everything is emotional and 10x worse in my head than it is in reality. (Sorry, should have prefaced with a TMI Girl Style for that last one.) Plus I'm trying to be upbeat for this silly open house and pushing all this other crap just below the surface. The insecurities, the feeling fat and unattractive, feeling unwanted...or rather unNEEDED...forgotten.

And in my logical mind I know that all of that is bullshit. I'm not that fat, just a little chubby even though I run 3-4x a week and eat healthy 90% of the time. I'm attractive from what people tell me, I mean I'm not like Halle Berry beautiful, but I can take a decent picture. I'm definitely not unwanted, I know that. I have friends here that want to hang out and my friends away would love for me to hang out, I'm just not there. Which is the next thing...I'm not unneeded (I know that's not a word, give me a break, I'm in the darkness!! Oh wait, it IS a word!), I have a lot of people who need me. Not necessarily to do things for them, but just to be there. Which is how it should be. And lastly I know I'll never be forgotten. Not by my Seven Diva girls, not by my new friends here, not by my old co-workers.

But here I am, in the partial darkness, feeling sad. And talking to a F-ing computer. Stupid. I'll get over it, probably by the end of the evening.

Holy crap....you all are going to get tired of me. I wrote three blogs today...

Update - the Saint did call me. Thank god. Now I feel like a baby. Oh well. Time to get ready. And don't worry all...no need to call. I'm okay.

The scent of a woman...(bonus blog!)

Anytime I smell Clinique's Aromatics Elixir I think of my Mom, it's what she has worn for years. I think she started wearing it when it came out, maybe not...but for over 25 years now. It's the only perfume that she wears. It's a strong, bold,sensuous perfume, but perfect for her. She embodies all of those things.

I, unlike my mother, like to wear different perfumes, different scents. I usually have 2-3 bottles at a time. One for day to day, one for night and going out and one for an option if there is a third. Right now I'm wearing Armani Mania and Ralph Lauren's Romance, both of them Trainer picked out. I've worn the Armani for over a year now, even replaced the last bottle, something I don't typically do. But, it works beautifully with my chemistry. The Romance I thought was going to be too heavy, but it's not. A little sultry and musky, but it works and Trainer likes it on me.

I'm almost out of my third bottle of Armani so I decided to switch it up. I have a gift certificate for Sephora (LOVE that store) so I took Trainer with me to shop for a new scent. I was going to send him with the g.c., but I thought it was only fair that I went too. (He hates shopping. Period.)

When you walk into Sephora it is just overwhelming. I could spend hours in that store... Anyway, we started on the men's side of the store, it was actually out of habit because that is where I go to purchase Trainer's cologne. I got to preview some of the new scents that would smell awesome on him, but the gift cert was for ME so we headed over to the women's side. SO many bottles, some classy, some juvenile, some just u-g-l-y. I like the bottles that are clear so I can see the color of the perfume. I have always stayed away from the perfume that is on the gold side. They are always a little too much for me. I think that those ones stay on a little longer too, but I could be making that up.

After smelling about 30 different perfumes my nose was tapped out. We were even using the coffee beans in between every three or so. And right as I was about to make my choice the sales lady walks up..."Can I help you find something?" My response usually would have been, "No thank you, we're doing alright." But today I guess I'm feeling a little chatty and say, "Well, I'm trying to find my next perfume...but I'm all tapped out." She grabs this big book and I tell her what I typically like. This book is amazing. It classifies all these perfumes into categories, then sub categories and then subs of the sub categories. She pointed out a few that I didn't even look at because they were dark bottles. I liked one and sprayed it on my arm. Okay..so...um, shouldn't have done that. The scent reminded me of my grandmother, which isn't a bad thing...unless you're looking for that "Come on honey, you know you want to take my clothes off" perfume. Yeah, the fact that I smelled like my grandma totally tripped me out.

I had another perfume sprayed on my other arm and it was quite please. I was just going to get that one when the sales lady said, "I can give you samples of a couple, a few days worth, so you can test drive them." Huh. I never knew they could do that!!! Another reason to LOVE Sephora!! FREE SAMPLES! So instead of just taking the one home I got a sample of that and then another one that Trainer and I both liked. Right now it's between Versace and Michael Kors. Who will win? Which perfume will be 'just right' with my chemistry?

It's funny what a simple scent can represent. Who is makes you think of...what memories that it can bring back. Do you have a signature scent? Or do you like a variety? I'll give you and update in a few days on which scent wins out for me.

Freaky Friday turned into Slutty Saturday

Ugh, I hate being late...on anything...and my blogging is no exception. So instead of Freaky Friday this week we'll call it Slutty Saturday!

I had to draw some inspiration from Sports Mama this week. Not that she's slutty, she just gave me some topic ideas. So this week I'm going to talk about Fantasies! I was never big into fantasies because I had everything that I wanted.... *pause* ....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah...right.

Apparently my biggest fantasy is being slutty, completely out there wanton sex goddess slutty. I suppose that's where the lingerie comes into play. Of course in the bedroom I've made the fantasy become reality. (I swear if you just met me and had never read my blog you'd think I was nice, sweet and easy to talk to...the end.)

Maybe I've read too many romance novels, and by romance I mean the ones that go into great detail during the sex scenes. One of my favorite authors that writes this kind of romance...Susan Johnson. I think that was the first time that I saw the word "dildo" in print, in a story. After that chapter Trainer got lucky. He didn't know what had happened, but he wasn't complaining. And then there are other authors that are kind of out there, but still have those incredible sex scenes, my favorite is Laurell K. Hamilton. She writes vampire novels and also a fairy series...highly recommend it. Anyway, my reading habits are probably another blog...

Back to the bedroom. What is it about fantasies that make sex enjoyable?

I only fantasize about 10% of the time, I really do prefer to be in the moment. I've never imagined that Trainer is someone else, however I have imagined, or fantasized about someone else being in the bedroom WITH us. And it's usually a woman, sometimes a man. Yes, a threesome. How typical is that? I don't want my fantasy to become a reality, too insecure and really I don't want to share my husband with anyone. But it IS fun to imagine while in the moment for that 10% of the time. AND in my fantasies I'm getting all the attention, whether it's a man or woman.

Jeez, this blog makes me sound so generic. Maybe I should have just skipped it...oh well. I promised myself that whatever came out of my head and ended up being typed had to be posted. Good, bad or indifferent.

So, there it is...my fantasy. To be a wanton sex goddess in the bedroom and at times be joined by another person. Now...what is your fantasy? Does it make sex better? Does it detract from it? All comments are welcome. (Well, except for the weird ones...Allan...)