And...onward we go

I think this is the hardest part about experiencing death, well not being dead obviously, but affected by it. Moving on, getting up out of bed and moving.

Friday late afternoon was the funeral for my friend Smiley's husband. It was a nice service, he would have liked it. SO hard to watch his family in the front row, the grief was so open and raw. I absorbed it, like a sponge. I do that sometimes when I'm close to someone. I feel and reflect their pain...and I know that their pain is much, much worse. Empathy...I have too much empathy.

Saturday I was supposed to go on a nice 40 mile ride. I thought it would clear my mind and give me some time to reflect. I couldn't get out of bed. Trainer had to work most of the day so I lingered in bed, cried on and off and watched crap tv until I finally got up and made plans for the evening, it was Trainer's birthday.

I had two gift cards left and I used those to book a hotel for the night and pay for dinner at Eddie V's AND buy Trainer his new Oakley's that he wanted/needed. Yoga Zen Babe drove us downtown and picked us up, it was a really great night. I got hammered, thinking that just maybe I could forget about the prior week for a moment. Of course it didn't work, although I am proud to say that I didn't turn into a complete mess at the bar while under the influence of the 'oh so yummy' Black and Tans that I was drinking. I had 5. True pints. 20oz each. Whoops. Guess what though? I had the WORST hangover the next day and that was all I thought about. No death. It was a start.

Monday I had to go back to work and that was crappy. Everyone was asking about Smiley and her family and then it all came rushing back, the sadness, the tears, the horrible reality of what happened. Tuesday was better, I didn't have the mini-breakdowns and I even made it to my afternoon workout with Trainer. Wednesday I finally got my ass out of bed and went to spin in the morning. Secretly I HAD to go because I had dropped my bike off to be cleaned and that is the only way I could get it. BUT, I did it. Made it to the workout, hosted by Coach Pain who runs some of the best workouts I've ever experienced. Wednesday night was a long one, I was at work until 10:30p because of our year end and then last night I got home at 8p after getting to work at 7a. YAWN.

Today I have the day off (YAY working for a company who gives us Good Friday off!!!) and I got up at 7:30a. Not bad for a day off. I plan on swimming this afternoon (first time in over a month!!!) and then working out with Trainer right after that. Right now I'm just enjoying my coffee and perusing the web for new blogs that I might enjoy and catching up on ones that I already love.

Has anyone seen my motivation? Still looking for it... If found please return it to me, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and I am signing up for my first tri of the season, so really...if you find it...I could really use it.

A simple prayer

Last night was gut wrenching. I don't really like viewings, but they are good for closure. My emotions were already ready to spill over and of course they did when I saw her and embraced her in a hug. I have the day off again, just waiting to see if her and/or her family needs anything. I'm so glad for this because I'm sure I would just be a puddle at work. I ran while I was in California, we were only 1 mile from the beach and ocean. I love the soothing sound and peace that it brings to me. In the middle of my run on Wednesday morning I sat down, and let myself become entranced by the waves. The tears came as I thought about my Grandma and Smiley and I put my hands on my head. I looked up at the clear blue sky and said,

"Please give Smiley the strength to get out of bed every morning. Please, please take his soul and give him peace. And please grant me the strength to be her rock through this time."

Amen.

A sad week

So my week started off with a funeral on Monday and it will end with another funeral on Friday. One of my very good friends Smiley lost her husband. I believe it was on Monday. I got the call on Tuesday and today I'm going over to be with her and her family.

I left my family yesterday and it gets harder and harder. My parents, bless their souls, are not spring chickens (although with my mom you would never know...) and every funeral that we attend together I'm reminded of that fact. I spent a LOT of time with family starting on Sunday and ending with yesterday afternoon before being dropped off at the airport 4 hours early. Over at my aunt's house (that she shared with my Grandmother) I was able to look at some really, really old photos of my family, that was pretty cool. I took some for myself of my dad and my grandpa (who passed away 26 years ago.) My little brother did make it out and it was good time spent with him as well. I wish my older brother could have made it, but not this time.

My grandmother had a long, good life filled with success and happiness. She, like everyone, had family issues that linger on for my aunt, but overall a good life. Her funeral was quaint, the words spoken kind, just like her. She took in my dad when he was 12 and turned his life around after he got out of the service at age 20. Thank god for that, otherwise I wouldn't exist. Bless your soul Grandma.

My friend's husband...his life ended much too quick, he was only 37. Terrible circumstance, I won't go into the details as it's not my story to tell. He leaves behind a precious wife, a seven month old baby, and two children from a previous marriage ages 16 and 11. Tragic. Bless your soul and I hope you have found peace.

After tomorrow I regain normalcy in my life, my own at least. Trainer's birthday is Saturday as well. He has already picked out what he wants but let's see if I can give him a little something to remember.

Peace to you all.

Times a flyin' and so am I

Wow, it's been another week or so since I posted. Here are the updates:

*As I said last post, found a flight out of Austin on Saturday night. My little brother IS coming out, and he'll wait at the airport for me so my dad just makes one trip. We're all staying together in a 2 bedroom suite, that ought to be "fun." BUT, that will keep us in one place and it will be easier on dad, I'll probably end up driving.

*I had a virus in my Pharynx, they put me on a high dose of steroids for a week, that really messed me up...especially when I paired it with tequila.

*My friend from UT came out for the weekend, we had a great time. She might just be moving here for a job so we looked around houses in the area and had margaritas on Friday night at Jorge's. (FABULOUS margs and food if you're in Austin.) However, that night and the next morning I was paying for the combination of steroids and tequila. Eh, it was fun while it lasted.

*I sucked it up and went to see a scary movie. For those of you who are semi-new...I HATE scary movies. My older brother used to chase me around the house in a ski mask with real knives and guns. Apparently my parents thought that he was old enough and responsible enough to watch me while they were out for a couple of hours. I would barricade myself in the bathroom, my room, the cars....anywhere I thought he couldn't find me. He always did. I think I helped him develop his keen hunting skills. However, this scarred me for life. I hate being scared, feeling scared...anything scared. Poor Trainer hasn't seen a scary movie in 15 years. And if he starts watching one on tv I go into the other room and put headphones on so I can't hear it. I know, I know....it's silly. So, I was very proud of myself for going to see this movie.

Shutter Island, it looked scary in the previews. It wasn't scary. A little suspenseful, but nothing hair raising. Bummer. I'm still proud of myself for deciding to go...but kind of a let down. Eh.

*I signed up for a charity ride, a 62.5 mile ride through the hill country. It's been beautiful out, in the mid to high 70s, slight breeze...perfect spring weather. And do you know what the weather is supposed to be like tomorrow??? Fricken thunder storms and a 70% chance of rain...IN.THE.MORNING. So, the ride may be postponed, which changes my plans since I have to board a flight Saturday late in the day. I need time to get the swelling down in the left gargantuan leg before the flight, which means an hour or more of putting my leg up in the air. What are the chances? Oh...and they say that it is going to be breezy and in Austin that translates into 'a wall of wind' that will change direction so you will have a head wind most of the way. If it's nice out today maybe I'll go out on Parmer and do at least 30.

*I'm getting my hair cut today. Yes, I'm trying to grow it out for Tri-season. I don't know...I look terrible with long hair, but to be able to pull it back would be great. I thought about just getting the bangs trimmed, but it's a mess. And no one wants to go see family looking all crazy. I haven't seen some of these people in 24 years. I was 12. So, I need to look decent.

That about wraps it up. Sorry for the long post. If I don't chat with you tomorrow everyone have a great weekend and I'll report back next week. Peace out Peeps!

What the....

I'm sick. As in can't swallow anything but warm fluids sick. I'm going to see if I can get in to the Dr early today and make sure it's not something contagious. One of my best friends is coming out to visit me this weekend and the weekend after that I am flying to CA (found a flight!!! the last of two tickets!) for my grandmother's funeral services....it's also our end of quarter/fiscal year. NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE SICK!

I'll be hitting Sprouts for some Emergen-c today, drinking a lot of fluids and hopefully taking some antibiotics by night time to kick this out of my body. I have to make it to spin tomorrow, my bike is at the PTC (Performance Training Center that T3 uses for spin/core/yoga/seminars...everything) since I did spin yesterday.

A super big shout out to Sports Mama today, it's her b-day and since she's the one who inspired me to write a blog...well, you can blame her....

Anyway, Happy Birthday! You're an amazing person, valued friend and move to Texas. Wait, did that just slip out? Happy Birthday gorgeous!

A knock at the door

I received a call from my dad yesterday afternoon. The feeling I got when the phone was ringing wasn't a good one. I let the call go to voicemail as I was driving and couldn't answer in time. My dad's speech was broken as he tried to tell me that my grandma (his step-mother who was in all rights our paternal grandmother) has passed away. She was 83 or 84 and becoming increasingly depressed and frail. She wasn't ill, but I suppose she just didn't want to live anymore.

I'm fighting the emotions. Should I be really upset? I think the hardest part for me is what it has always been...seeing my dad hurting. He's my person, I'm his Pumpkin. When I called back he struggled again and my heart just broke. He told me that the services will be on the 22nd of March since my aunt cannot make it to California until then. She will be buried next to my grandfather who passed away back when I was only 12 years old. He told me that he'd send me the address if I wished to send anything and I assured him that I'll be there. In person.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to get to CA on the 21st, all the flights are sold out going OUT of Austin because it is the final day of SXSW, the film and music festival. Trainer told me to use our free ticket, but the times and dates are blocked out, can't use it. If I go the day before I'll be breaking commitments that I've already made. I KNOW that no commitment is greater than my family's need....so we'll just have to wait and see. What channels can I go through to get out of Austin without spending a fortune??

My little brother is going to be coming to CA as well, I hope he does. My older brother can't make it. Trainer won't be coming either, it's just not feasible. I'm lucky that I'll be able to go.

This morning it was hard to wake up, I just wanted to roll over, and after waking I just wanted to stay in bed. Today I'm going over to a sports club close to my house for a fitness expo. I'll be there exercising for several hours. Hopefully that will put some endorphins into my body...make me feel better...pull me up while the quicksand of depression is just hovering. Death. It sucks.

Rockin' the track!

Okay, so I've told you how much I love my track workouts right? LOVE them! Last night was no different. I trudged through rush hour traffic to get to the track a couple of minutes late, but still was able to get in my 7 min warm up. Have I ranted about traffic lately?? I know, it's relative...Phoenix was so much worse. Anywhoo...

Last night's workout was the ladder work out, sometimes you go up and sometimes you go down. Usually with the shorter distance you're pushing to go faster, but not in this work out. We started with the 400 meter at half marathon pace, then the 800 at 10k pace and then 1200 at...well, faster than the last and finally the 1600 (MILE!) at 5k pace. I ran with this awesome lady who's nickname is Underdog (a play off her last name) and we did 9:50 for the mile. It.Was.Awesome.

Some people would say, "Well, that's not really that fast." But for me it is. The last time I ran a mile pace that had a 9 at the beginning was 2005 with YZB. Needless to say I was stoked. The first track practice that I went to with T3 my mile was 10:53, so I'll be curious what happens at the next mile repeat night. WOOHOO!!! (I know, it's sick and wrong to be excited about track, what can I say?)

All the while we were running around the track we were cheering on the other runners and on our last two laps we had the best support. THIS is why I joined this group. 99.9% of the people are awesome, funny and supportive. I know that when I'm struggling to run the last two (to ten!) miles of my triathlon they will be out there for me, cheering me on and making me smile through the pain.

So, my lovely friends and blogger peeps, no need to fly to Austin to kick some booty, all is well. I mean, you can come down and we'll get our 'silly' on...that would be cool. But, thanks for offering...I know you always have my back.

I was asked why my hands were so messed up after changing my tire. Well, for two reasons really...1. I have a new tire, very inflexible, and I suck at changing tires AND 2. I think I have thin skin, it tears and cuts easily. I don't know if the blood thinners have anything to do with it. Probably not, it just makes me bleed longer. :) I know, gross right? Well, I'm doing this at work (Slacker McSlackerson!) so I'd best be going for now.

Effin' People

It was either that title or "I hate People," which I don't...most of the time...and hate is a really strong word. I digress.

This weekend was pretty cool. I did the HH thing on Friday, it was cold and there were some people inside and some outside. Generally friendly crowd, I just stayed for 1 bevo as I knew I had to get up early in the am for the group ride. I was really looking forward to the ride because it's one of my favorite routes.

Got up, made it there with time to spare and was trying to talk to people in the parking lot, most were cool. The ride was great, my legs felt really good, I averaged 16.4 and rode by myself pretty much the whole way. I'm an in-betweener, not fast but not too slow. When I was in riding shape I was up around 18mph for that ride, but I'm working back towards it and was happy with how I did. Now, when I got back to the parking lot there was a small group of girls gathered and I rode up. I had been to HH with one of them about a month back, had talked to another after swim practice and they weren't talking about anything privately. One of the girls (the one I had gone to HH with a month back) just didn't acknowledge me, completely ignored me and almost made an effort to make me feel uncomfortable. Blatant. That's what it was.

I get that there are long standing relationships within this group. I get that not everyone is going to be like, "Hey, welcome to the group!" and be all cheerful. However I felt that she was being very rude (on purpose) and unwelcoming. Who knows, maybe this girl and I will eventually become friends...maybe...one day far far away. I can be a bitch, I know that about myself, but when I first meet someone I don't put all those cards out on the table. You have to be liked before any of that is funny. It's just disappointing I guess. Maybe they didn't recognize me, I seem to be unforgettable these days. People that I've met 3 or 4 times over these past 5 months ask me if I'm new...like every week. Eh, Eff it.

Saturday late afternoon/evening Trainer and I headed out for a beer...or two. I had my favorite of the month - Young's Double Chocolate Stout (be still my heart!) and we munched on some tasty eats. It wasn't healthy by any means, but it was a good time. We came home, drank a little more, stayed up too late once again on a Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning. I woke up, made a fantabulous breakfast (egg and veggie scramble with a side of whole wheat raspberry pancakes), had a hangover lunch, watched movies all day and then ended with roasted chicken....and chocolate chip cookies. Whoops.

I had to change out my bike tube AGAIN, when I took it out of the truck the back tire was flat. Thank GAWD it didn't pop on the ride, there were no shoulders to the road. My fingers are all cut up from the change and then this morning I decided not to go to spin until I get the training tire. Otherwise I'll be spending big bucks on tires all year...and changing flats.

Today I ran 3 miles...STRAIGHT! That's right people, 30 min of running with no walk breaks. Hills, declines and flats were all included. Tonight I'll need to foam roll it out and stretch really good. The return may be slower than slow, but I'm coming back baby!!