Wednesday, March 31, 2010

And...onward we go

I think this is the hardest part about experiencing death, well not being dead obviously, but affected by it. Moving on, getting up out of bed and moving.

Friday late afternoon was the funeral for my friend Smiley's husband. It was a nice service, he would have liked it. SO hard to watch his family in the front row, the grief was so open and raw. I absorbed it, like a sponge. I do that sometimes when I'm close to someone. I feel and reflect their pain...and I know that their pain is much, much worse. Empathy...I have too much empathy.

Saturday I was supposed to go on a nice 40 mile ride. I thought it would clear my mind and give me some time to reflect. I couldn't get out of bed. Trainer had to work most of the day so I lingered in bed, cried on and off and watched crap tv until I finally got up and made plans for the evening, it was Trainer's birthday.

I had two gift cards left and I used those to book a hotel for the night and pay for dinner at Eddie V's AND buy Trainer his new Oakley's that he wanted/needed. Yoga Zen Babe drove us downtown and picked us up, it was a really great night. I got hammered, thinking that just maybe I could forget about the prior week for a moment. Of course it didn't work, although I am proud to say that I didn't turn into a complete mess at the bar while under the influence of the 'oh so yummy' Black and Tans that I was drinking. I had 5. True pints. 20oz each. Whoops. Guess what though? I had the WORST hangover the next day and that was all I thought about. No death. It was a start.

Monday I had to go back to work and that was crappy. Everyone was asking about Smiley and her family and then it all came rushing back, the sadness, the tears, the horrible reality of what happened. Tuesday was better, I didn't have the mini-breakdowns and I even made it to my afternoon workout with Trainer. Wednesday I finally got my ass out of bed and went to spin in the morning. Secretly I HAD to go because I had dropped my bike off to be cleaned and that is the only way I could get it. BUT, I did it. Made it to the workout, hosted by Coach Pain who runs some of the best workouts I've ever experienced. Wednesday night was a long one, I was at work until 10:30p because of our year end and then last night I got home at 8p after getting to work at 7a. YAWN.

Today I have the day off (YAY working for a company who gives us Good Friday off!!!) and I got up at 7:30a. Not bad for a day off. I plan on swimming this afternoon (first time in over a month!!!) and then working out with Trainer right after that. Right now I'm just enjoying my coffee and perusing the web for new blogs that I might enjoy and catching up on ones that I already love.

Has anyone seen my motivation? Still looking for it... If found please return it to me, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and I am signing up for my first tri of the season, so really...if you find it...I could really use it.

1 comment:

T said...

you need to come down to St G and run in the ironman... I'll be there. No silly, not running, I'll be handing out water and doing some set-up beforehand. (and will spend the day embarrassed about my love handles)