My brothers...are just...a mess. There is no other way to say it. I think I've written a little about them before, I can't remember. They live together in the house that I grew up in while my parents are in Vegas taking care of my Grandma. Some how my brothers are "special" in my parents eyes. I don't know how we all turned out differently being raised by the same people. Well...maybe that's not true, I mean we were raised by the same people but with different circumstances. My older bro and I are three years apart, then came little bro eight years later. So little bro was an only child from age 9/10 when I went off to college and older bro was in the army.
They spoiled little bro, although he'll deny it. He'll tell a story about how tough his life was, all while he drank, smoked and pissed away his schooling. I'm not bitter, really... He blames my mom for his bad teeth, guess why? It's because he used to cancel his appointments and she wouldn't reschedule them for him. Huh. Okay. Yes, every problem my brothers have seem to be because of someone else. They have no internal voice that say, "Maybe you should take some responsibility for your actions..." Nope, they are more than happy to blame the enablers in their life. My parents.
This Thursday I guess my older bro had enough of something that my little bro was doing (this time it was the dirty dishes) and beat the crap out of him. Full on beat down. So little bro calls my parents and expects them to throw their older child out of the house. While I do see little bros point and frustration isn't it up to him to move out? If you don't like the situation you're in, get out of it. But he has no job and where else can he live for free?? Yes, free. My little brother hasn't paid bills or rent for months now since he lost his job in the fall. He's had this other job lined up for months, but it doesn't start until next month, and that is what he said last month too...hmmm...
Older bro has anger issues, obviously right? He's always been an angry person, one of those "life isn't fair, I got a bad deal from birth" type of anger. He joined the military because he didn't have other options after H.S. We thought it was good for him, gave him a sense of responsibility. Although in hind sight I think it brought an even uglier side out in him. He started drinking a lot in the military. Smoking. Fighting. But he seemed to be okay with it. Then there was a point of "they're trying to Eff me over" and he resigned from the military. He said he was tired of being jerked around. Okay. Fine. So he moved back in with my parents. Eventually he moved out on his own, he was working, doing fine. Then his place was broken in to and he moved back in with my parents. Then he moved out again, met his wife, my parents moved to Vegas and he and his new wife moved in to my parents house. Fine. Dandy. Everything is great. Of course she was a bitch and broke his heart within 6 months, they are now divorced and he is still living in the house. He drinks too much and is a compulsive spender.
Older bro, since being in the military, has a neat freak quality. He's also one of those people who are ALWAYS right, no matter what. (My little bro shares that quality.) So nothing is ever good enough unless he does it.
Little bro, since being a spoiled rotten irresponsible child, has a "I can do whatever I want" quality. Of course he is a know it all as well. He thinks that whatever he does is fine. He likes to push buttons, he's been doing it since he was 3 years old. I witnessed it.
Can you see why they shouldn't be living together? Can you see why my parents should kick them both out on their respective asses and make them live real lives?? But my parents can't stand the thought of turning their kids out on to the street.
My parents (read - MOM) was hard on me growing up. Nothing was ever good enough. When I turned 18 she bought me dishes, 19 she bought me pots and pans. Nice huh? I thought so until she said, "These are so you don't come back." And on some level I'm sure she thought she was joking, but on another level there was truth in that statement. Well, it worked. I never moved back after I turned 17. I did come home for 2 out of 4 summers, but other than that...nada. I was on my own, didn't ask for help (only because the one time I asked for $50 my mom called me at 6am and bitched me out) and somehow I always made ends meet.
Why the hell can't my brothers take responsibility for their own lives? And the kicker...they BOTH say that they are doing our parents a favor by staying in the house... Really? Seriously? Yeah. That's what they think.
My parents are driving to CO next week to check things out, my dad is going to set some ground rules, you know like:
1. No loaded guns within reach in the house
2. You must each pay me $250 a MONTH (they have a hard time doing this, sad huh?)
3. You cannot hit each other
If you think I'm joking....far from it my friends. They are out of control.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Amazing Grace and all my other chicks
Today I have realized, once again, how wonderful and selfless my friends are. I blog to clear my mind, to rant and rave and to connect with my friends that are far away.
It never ceases to amaze me that my good friend SportsMama always comments on my blog. She is always supportive and generous with her comments, always upbeat and encouraging. She makes me feel like I'm more than I really am. She does this all when her world has literally unraveled in front of her eyes in the last 6 months or so. She had to change jobs, her husband lost his job, then she lost hers. They have two boys that need to eat and one that needs monthly medication. They are the best parents. It's just a tragedy and an example of what is happening everywhere, yet....every morning after I've written my blog the night before she has a special comment of hope...just for me.
I have my friend Yoga Zen Babe here with me in Austin who feeds me every week. I go to her house for lunch, I get to hang out with her and little H, and eat her food. We talk and talk about silly stuff, about serious stuff...about everything. And then when I get back to work she thanks ME for coming over for a lovely lunch!
I have my friend Soul Mate who flew out here when I needed her the most, even though it wasn't the most entertaining visit. She and YZB helped me pick out a dress for my grandpa's funeral, not much fun in that, but they made it fun.
I have my friend The Saint who always has a kind word for me. I sent her a b-day gift for her trip to NYC (which I heard was amazing!!) and she told me I was the fizzle fo shizzle. (or something like that) But she is the one who never forgets an event, a small moment in life that means something to you and that you'd think that no one would remember. She is amazing, strong and beautiful and it is SO nice to see her looking at herself in the mirror and acknowledging that.
My friend Midwest Girl who is doing the tri is amazing. She motivates me even when she's under the assumption that I'm motivating her! Digging deep, that is what she does, when she thinks that there is no more left she finds a reason to keep going...and I'm not just talking about at the gym. Also, she shows up at all my silly parties and stays and helps out. She makes friends, doesn't need hand holding and I know that if I got stuck somewhere she would come and get me no questions asked.
My friend Legs is one of the smartest people I know, and not just book smart, she has those street smarts going on. She is down to earth and handles the most difficult situations with ease, or so it appears. She can be vulnerable, though you'll rarely see it. Her son was born with a complication, nothing that cannot be fixed, however while they wait it is just emotionally excruciating. I don't think people realize how much pain they inflict on another person with a glance and a frown, or when someone is trying to "study" your child and trying to figure out what is wrong. And all you want to do as a parent is say "Fuck off and mind your own business because my child is PERFECT ASSHOLE!" But she doesn't. She grins as she catches their eyes and deals with her emotions later. She always puts herself in the "later" category.
I could go on and on...and perhaps I will at a later time. But I just wanted you all to know that I am constantly surrounded by love and greatness and that I love my beautiful friends. They make me want to be better and you can't really ask for more than that.
It never ceases to amaze me that my good friend SportsMama always comments on my blog. She is always supportive and generous with her comments, always upbeat and encouraging. She makes me feel like I'm more than I really am. She does this all when her world has literally unraveled in front of her eyes in the last 6 months or so. She had to change jobs, her husband lost his job, then she lost hers. They have two boys that need to eat and one that needs monthly medication. They are the best parents. It's just a tragedy and an example of what is happening everywhere, yet....every morning after I've written my blog the night before she has a special comment of hope...just for me.
I have my friend Yoga Zen Babe here with me in Austin who feeds me every week. I go to her house for lunch, I get to hang out with her and little H, and eat her food. We talk and talk about silly stuff, about serious stuff...about everything. And then when I get back to work she thanks ME for coming over for a lovely lunch!
I have my friend Soul Mate who flew out here when I needed her the most, even though it wasn't the most entertaining visit. She and YZB helped me pick out a dress for my grandpa's funeral, not much fun in that, but they made it fun.
I have my friend The Saint who always has a kind word for me. I sent her a b-day gift for her trip to NYC (which I heard was amazing!!) and she told me I was the fizzle fo shizzle. (or something like that) But she is the one who never forgets an event, a small moment in life that means something to you and that you'd think that no one would remember. She is amazing, strong and beautiful and it is SO nice to see her looking at herself in the mirror and acknowledging that.
My friend Midwest Girl who is doing the tri is amazing. She motivates me even when she's under the assumption that I'm motivating her! Digging deep, that is what she does, when she thinks that there is no more left she finds a reason to keep going...and I'm not just talking about at the gym. Also, she shows up at all my silly parties and stays and helps out. She makes friends, doesn't need hand holding and I know that if I got stuck somewhere she would come and get me no questions asked.
My friend Legs is one of the smartest people I know, and not just book smart, she has those street smarts going on. She is down to earth and handles the most difficult situations with ease, or so it appears. She can be vulnerable, though you'll rarely see it. Her son was born with a complication, nothing that cannot be fixed, however while they wait it is just emotionally excruciating. I don't think people realize how much pain they inflict on another person with a glance and a frown, or when someone is trying to "study" your child and trying to figure out what is wrong. And all you want to do as a parent is say "Fuck off and mind your own business because my child is PERFECT ASSHOLE!" But she doesn't. She grins as she catches their eyes and deals with her emotions later. She always puts herself in the "later" category.
I could go on and on...and perhaps I will at a later time. But I just wanted you all to know that I am constantly surrounded by love and greatness and that I love my beautiful friends. They make me want to be better and you can't really ask for more than that.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Baby steps
Oh I'm feeling pretty good right now! I did something today that used to be in character, but has definitely fallen to the wayside. I was supposed to go to spin class this morning, it's a 5:30am which means that I get up at 4:45am to leave the house at 5am. However I didn't make it. Bad sleep, too comfortable...you get the idea. LAZY BONES! I went through my day, a frustrating day and ended it with a dentist appointment.
Okay, so I have to admit something, and it sounds horrible...I really don't even want to put it in writing. Well, I haven't been to the dentist since I moved to Austin, which is almost THREE YEARS ago. Yes, three years. At first I didn't know where to go, I asked for referrals, but everyone I knew at the time lived far from where I do and I didn't want to drive out of the way for the dentist. Then our insurance changed and I was once again lazy and just didn't find a dentist. After some badgering by Trainer I found us a dentist near the house and prayed that they were an "up to date" dentistry, I loved my dentist in AZ as she was up on all the newest dental technology. Today was my appt., 2pm. I got there early and they were in their weekly staff meeting so the doors were locked. First bad sign in my head, tell me to get there early and then lock the doors?? WTF? Anyway, I got in and started the "exam" and LONG story short I have to get 5 fillings and a deep cleaning. Although they did say that it was obvious that I flossed, which I do.
My mouth hurts, it took 2 hours and I didn't even get a cleaning. I was a little upset, mostly at myself for waiting for so long. Went to Starbuck's, came home and sat outside with my drink and a magazine. Normally I would have just let the day go on, lazed around and sulked, but instead I texted my friend Mid West Girl that is training for the triathlon and asked when she was going to spin class. Not only that, but I met her there!!! And to top it off we ran for 15 minutes after we completed 60 minutes of class. Pretty cool. I'm pretty motivated by her and it helps me to help someone meet their goals, especially when they are goals that I want to reach some day.
Now I'm sitting here pretty damn happy with myself. I made an awesome healthy dinner, we had breakfast, delish. I'm even debating running tomorrow morning. Crazy stuff I know. It sucks that I had to fall so far to get back to baby steps, but sometimes it just happens. I have to look to myself to be proud of what I'm doing, not what I haven't done up to this point. Baby steps....baby steps.
Okay, so I have to admit something, and it sounds horrible...I really don't even want to put it in writing. Well, I haven't been to the dentist since I moved to Austin, which is almost THREE YEARS ago. Yes, three years. At first I didn't know where to go, I asked for referrals, but everyone I knew at the time lived far from where I do and I didn't want to drive out of the way for the dentist. Then our insurance changed and I was once again lazy and just didn't find a dentist. After some badgering by Trainer I found us a dentist near the house and prayed that they were an "up to date" dentistry, I loved my dentist in AZ as she was up on all the newest dental technology. Today was my appt., 2pm. I got there early and they were in their weekly staff meeting so the doors were locked. First bad sign in my head, tell me to get there early and then lock the doors?? WTF? Anyway, I got in and started the "exam" and LONG story short I have to get 5 fillings and a deep cleaning. Although they did say that it was obvious that I flossed, which I do.
My mouth hurts, it took 2 hours and I didn't even get a cleaning. I was a little upset, mostly at myself for waiting for so long. Went to Starbuck's, came home and sat outside with my drink and a magazine. Normally I would have just let the day go on, lazed around and sulked, but instead I texted my friend Mid West Girl that is training for the triathlon and asked when she was going to spin class. Not only that, but I met her there!!! And to top it off we ran for 15 minutes after we completed 60 minutes of class. Pretty cool. I'm pretty motivated by her and it helps me to help someone meet their goals, especially when they are goals that I want to reach some day.
Now I'm sitting here pretty damn happy with myself. I made an awesome healthy dinner, we had breakfast, delish. I'm even debating running tomorrow morning. Crazy stuff I know. It sucks that I had to fall so far to get back to baby steps, but sometimes it just happens. I have to look to myself to be proud of what I'm doing, not what I haven't done up to this point. Baby steps....baby steps.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Love Hate
This is the relationship that I have with riding, that is cycling. I love it when I'm on the open road, I love the feeling of going fast (all relative mind you...fast), I love it when I beat a light or even run a red (safely of course)...so many things that I love. I hate getting ready to ride. Hate it. I hate putting on my cycling shorts, because even though they save my legs from chaffing and my ass from getting uber sore they are just plain unflattering. I hate wearing the helmet even though it saved me that one time that I crashed. I hate my Oakley's, they make me look like I play for the other team (not that there is anything wrong with that.) But the feeling that I get when I clip into my pedals, the feeling that I get when I power up a hill...it beats out the hate.
I feel the same way about a lot of things. I presume that most people do. I hate the act of going to the gym, but I love it once I'm there. I hate getting up in the morning, but...wait, nope. That's just a hate. No love. Anyway, if you couldn't guess I went out for a ride today. I only went 15 miles, but it was 15 miles that I almost didn't do at all. My good friend and I were going to go on a ride, 80 minutes because that is part of her training schedule for her triathlon training. However she had some puppy issues (which I completely understand) and couldn't make it in a time that would work for both of us. So, as I sat watching crap TV I debated on whether to go at all. No one would know, or care for that matter, no one except me. So I went. Trainer said it was too cold out for him to go so he ran instead....logic? I have no idea.
Overall this was an AWESOME weekend. I took Friday off of work, Hoe was supposed to come in to town, however all the flights were booked up and she had to cancel at the last minute. I was going to go to work, but my office mate insisted that I take it off. Which was probably a great idea since she's driving me NUTS, another story for another time. I finally cleaned out the majority of my closet, much to Trainer's delight. I went to Costco, which I have named The $100 store, put the groceries away, went to the liquor store...and even made dinner! Then Trainer and I got a little tipsy and acted like a couple of teenagers. Fabulous. Saturday was kind of a waste (read - hangover) although I did make it to the gym and sweat out some alcohol on the elliptical. We didn't eat too bad, except for the Panda Express for dinner...LOVE Panda for a hangover. And today we didn't even go out to eat once! Not even for coffee...a record!
Yoga Zen Babe and I went and saw "He's just not that into you" this afternoon and I thought it was a good/cute movie. It ended better than I thought it would and spending time with YZB is always a treat. I thought I wasn't going to like it from what I'd heard, but I did like it. And after this weekend and my conversation with Trainer on Friday evening I realized that he IS that into me...still! This year has been so great and healing and more than I expected. I know that my blogs of late have been filled with this sentiment, however things just keep happening, good things. Eh, my life right? No one HAS to read this. :)
So, my next blog will most likely be about my office mate. She gives "not a morning person" a new meaning. Until then...
I feel the same way about a lot of things. I presume that most people do. I hate the act of going to the gym, but I love it once I'm there. I hate getting up in the morning, but...wait, nope. That's just a hate. No love. Anyway, if you couldn't guess I went out for a ride today. I only went 15 miles, but it was 15 miles that I almost didn't do at all. My good friend and I were going to go on a ride, 80 minutes because that is part of her training schedule for her triathlon training. However she had some puppy issues (which I completely understand) and couldn't make it in a time that would work for both of us. So, as I sat watching crap TV I debated on whether to go at all. No one would know, or care for that matter, no one except me. So I went. Trainer said it was too cold out for him to go so he ran instead....logic? I have no idea.
Overall this was an AWESOME weekend. I took Friday off of work, Hoe was supposed to come in to town, however all the flights were booked up and she had to cancel at the last minute. I was going to go to work, but my office mate insisted that I take it off. Which was probably a great idea since she's driving me NUTS, another story for another time. I finally cleaned out the majority of my closet, much to Trainer's delight. I went to Costco, which I have named The $100 store, put the groceries away, went to the liquor store...and even made dinner! Then Trainer and I got a little tipsy and acted like a couple of teenagers. Fabulous. Saturday was kind of a waste (read - hangover) although I did make it to the gym and sweat out some alcohol on the elliptical. We didn't eat too bad, except for the Panda Express for dinner...LOVE Panda for a hangover. And today we didn't even go out to eat once! Not even for coffee...a record!
Yoga Zen Babe and I went and saw "He's just not that into you" this afternoon and I thought it was a good/cute movie. It ended better than I thought it would and spending time with YZB is always a treat. I thought I wasn't going to like it from what I'd heard, but I did like it. And after this weekend and my conversation with Trainer on Friday evening I realized that he IS that into me...still! This year has been so great and healing and more than I expected. I know that my blogs of late have been filled with this sentiment, however things just keep happening, good things. Eh, my life right? No one HAS to read this. :)
So, my next blog will most likely be about my office mate. She gives "not a morning person" a new meaning. Until then...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Date night
Last night was fabulous. One of the best nights that I've had in a while. Trainer asked me out on a date this week, what a nice surprise that was. It made me feel attractive in his eyes, that he wanted to take me out, wine and dine me. All I was told was that we were leaving our house at 6:30pm and to dress downtown casual...which is nice, but not too nice - jeans and a cute top with boots is a good choice. Well...I didn't have a cute top, I mean I DO have nice tops, but nothing that I wanted to wear. So, while Trainer and I were out getting a GC for a raffle I asked if we could stop at White House Black Market.
I LOVE this store, everything except the prices that is. We headed to the back section, the sale section, and found some really cute tops. Trainer sat there while I tried things on, even gave me his opinion and I ended up with one, super cute top, will look fabulous with jeans OR dress pants/skirt etc. It was still a little pricey, but the clothes will last for a long time. Quality over quantity! Anyway, we chilled at home for a while until it was time to "gussy" (that's for you Soul Mate.) I put on makeup, did my hair, got all dressed up and was ready to walk out the door at 6:31pm. Had to push the envelope a little bit...right?
Trainer drove since I didn't know where we were going. We valeted the Tahoe and started walking around the Warehouse district and ended up at Sullivan's steak house. I've been wanting to go there for a long time. They describe it as a 1940s Chicago-style steakhouse. It is beautiful on the inside, all dark wood, a library feel on one side of the restaurant, an open kitchen, ceilings that are high, but not too high so that it's not too loud. I had a glass of wine, Trainer a beer, and started with the Ahi Tuna appetizer. Yum. They brought a loaf of sourdough to the table, fresh bread with butter...I'm in heaven. I decided on the Sea Bass and Trainer had the fillet, and we shared a side of mashed potatoes. The food was incredible. I finished feeling satisfied on the verge of full so we didn't get dessert. This is something that I'm super proud of because I LOVE dessert, especially after a nice dinner. But I decided not to push satisfied to uncomfortably full. After we finished we went to the bar and listened to some jazz while sipping on a little more wine.
We decided to venture out and ended up a couple of Irish bars on 4th Street, very hip, very cool. One of the highlights was at the last bar we had a chance to really talk about some stuff. The stuff that is always under the surface. It's not that I want to keep drudging up the past, but sometimes it helps me get to the present and yes, I KNOW I can't predict the future. But it made me feel good about where we are. Like I said in my previous blog this week has been incredible, and I guess I needed to know if it was real. And it is, some switch...something changed and we're here, in a better place.
Not to say that our 14 years together have been awful, they haven't, not at all. We go through ups and downs like most couples. We've had fun, a lot of fun, and we've had hard times. But the good always out weighed the bad so here we are...still together. And I'm thankful for that. I still get butterflies when he looks at me or puts his hand on the small of my back. I hope that never goes away. And I really hope that we have more of these date nights!
I LOVE this store, everything except the prices that is. We headed to the back section, the sale section, and found some really cute tops. Trainer sat there while I tried things on, even gave me his opinion and I ended up with one, super cute top, will look fabulous with jeans OR dress pants/skirt etc. It was still a little pricey, but the clothes will last for a long time. Quality over quantity! Anyway, we chilled at home for a while until it was time to "gussy" (that's for you Soul Mate.) I put on makeup, did my hair, got all dressed up and was ready to walk out the door at 6:31pm. Had to push the envelope a little bit...right?
Trainer drove since I didn't know where we were going. We valeted the Tahoe and started walking around the Warehouse district and ended up at Sullivan's steak house. I've been wanting to go there for a long time. They describe it as a 1940s Chicago-style steakhouse. It is beautiful on the inside, all dark wood, a library feel on one side of the restaurant, an open kitchen, ceilings that are high, but not too high so that it's not too loud. I had a glass of wine, Trainer a beer, and started with the Ahi Tuna appetizer. Yum. They brought a loaf of sourdough to the table, fresh bread with butter...I'm in heaven. I decided on the Sea Bass and Trainer had the fillet, and we shared a side of mashed potatoes. The food was incredible. I finished feeling satisfied on the verge of full so we didn't get dessert. This is something that I'm super proud of because I LOVE dessert, especially after a nice dinner. But I decided not to push satisfied to uncomfortably full. After we finished we went to the bar and listened to some jazz while sipping on a little more wine.
We decided to venture out and ended up a couple of Irish bars on 4th Street, very hip, very cool. One of the highlights was at the last bar we had a chance to really talk about some stuff. The stuff that is always under the surface. It's not that I want to keep drudging up the past, but sometimes it helps me get to the present and yes, I KNOW I can't predict the future. But it made me feel good about where we are. Like I said in my previous blog this week has been incredible, and I guess I needed to know if it was real. And it is, some switch...something changed and we're here, in a better place.
Not to say that our 14 years together have been awful, they haven't, not at all. We go through ups and downs like most couples. We've had fun, a lot of fun, and we've had hard times. But the good always out weighed the bad so here we are...still together. And I'm thankful for that. I still get butterflies when he looks at me or puts his hand on the small of my back. I hope that never goes away. And I really hope that we have more of these date nights!
Friday, February 20, 2009
And moving on...
So, it's Friday night. I made an awesome dinner and we didn't even have the conversation that goes like this:
Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
T: "I don't know...what do you want?"
Me: " No seriously, I don't care, what do you feel like having?"
T: "I don't know, what do YOU feel like having?"
This conversation leaves both parties frustrated and usually heading to the phone to call Pei Wei or grabbing the keys to drive to the pizza buffet. Nope, not tonight. I arrived home at 6pm after a LONG day of work and made the salmon that was defrosted in the fridge. And, it was pretty damn good. Whole wheat pasta for my side with a nice side salad. I stayed within my points today, despite the donut...and kolache...dammit...again, stayed within the points.
After my revelation in my last blog I was determined to get up in the morning and exercise and get back to living. How did that go? Well...I had the right attitude, but my body wasn't in sync. Or maybe it was that I really wanted it in one part of my brain, but the other part was still kind of stuck? Regardless, I didn't make it out of bed before 7am this week.No spin, no running, no Body Pump.
One of my favorite bloggers writes "fatty gets fit", which is a truly realistic funny blog that I love, told me to look up the 7 Stages of Grief, to help me deal with what I was going through. I did just that, and it made sense. I melded some of the stages though. Stages 1, 2 and 3 were really just about the pain of losing someone. I totally was stuck in #4, depression, reflection and loneliness. I believe that 5, 6 and 7 will kind of meld as well. 5 is the upward turn and 7 ends with hope, in between is working through. I've always been an overachiever so why not do three steps at once right? Ha. Anyway, it's just taking longer than I thought it would.
Right now, as I write this, I'm watching tv with Trainer and drinking a glass of red wine. My favorite wine actually...a cheap red blend that the Executive introduced me to. Ménage à Trois, it's fabulous, easy to drink and goes with just about everything. Of course it did put me over by 3 points for the day, but it was worth it.
Something significant happened this week, I have to share. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but maybe because of where my mind has been it is kind of a big thing. I believe it was Tuesday or Wednesday I got an email from Trainer asking me how my day was going and if I'd like to go out on a "date" on Saturday night. What? A date? Really?? (You'd think that being a couple with no kids that we'd go out all the time, but not so much.) Of course I said yes, I mean, what kind of girl doesn't want to go out on a date? The best part is that I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing. The other thing that happened was on Wednesday night we were watching Top Chef in bed and Trainer was being all cuddly (really) and we ended up having some pretty great sex. On a SCHOOL night! Date night. Sex. What's next? Hot damn.
He's also been really sweet this week. We've been talking about our days when I get home, we try to get to bed about the same time...I just feel like he's trying to take care of me. Maybe he reads my blog...hmmm...or maybe he just senses that I need this right now? I don't know. I do love it though. It makes me WANT to come home and make dinner for him. It makes me realize how much he does around the house. (Seriously, I haven't cleaned a bathroom in months b/c they're always clean!) It makes me realize that we really do 'get' one another. Sorry, am I babbling? :)
Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
T: "I don't know...what do you want?"
Me: " No seriously, I don't care, what do you feel like having?"
T: "I don't know, what do YOU feel like having?"
This conversation leaves both parties frustrated and usually heading to the phone to call Pei Wei or grabbing the keys to drive to the pizza buffet. Nope, not tonight. I arrived home at 6pm after a LONG day of work and made the salmon that was defrosted in the fridge. And, it was pretty damn good. Whole wheat pasta for my side with a nice side salad. I stayed within my points today, despite the donut...and kolache...dammit...again, stayed within the points.
After my revelation in my last blog I was determined to get up in the morning and exercise and get back to living. How did that go? Well...I had the right attitude, but my body wasn't in sync. Or maybe it was that I really wanted it in one part of my brain, but the other part was still kind of stuck? Regardless, I didn't make it out of bed before 7am this week.No spin, no running, no Body Pump.
One of my favorite bloggers writes "fatty gets fit", which is a truly realistic funny blog that I love, told me to look up the 7 Stages of Grief, to help me deal with what I was going through. I did just that, and it made sense. I melded some of the stages though. Stages 1, 2 and 3 were really just about the pain of losing someone. I totally was stuck in #4, depression, reflection and loneliness. I believe that 5, 6 and 7 will kind of meld as well. 5 is the upward turn and 7 ends with hope, in between is working through. I've always been an overachiever so why not do three steps at once right? Ha. Anyway, it's just taking longer than I thought it would.
Right now, as I write this, I'm watching tv with Trainer and drinking a glass of red wine. My favorite wine actually...a cheap red blend that the Executive introduced me to. Ménage à Trois, it's fabulous, easy to drink and goes with just about everything. Of course it did put me over by 3 points for the day, but it was worth it.
Something significant happened this week, I have to share. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but maybe because of where my mind has been it is kind of a big thing. I believe it was Tuesday or Wednesday I got an email from Trainer asking me how my day was going and if I'd like to go out on a "date" on Saturday night. What? A date? Really?? (You'd think that being a couple with no kids that we'd go out all the time, but not so much.) Of course I said yes, I mean, what kind of girl doesn't want to go out on a date? The best part is that I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing. The other thing that happened was on Wednesday night we were watching Top Chef in bed and Trainer was being all cuddly (really) and we ended up having some pretty great sex. On a SCHOOL night! Date night. Sex. What's next? Hot damn.
He's also been really sweet this week. We've been talking about our days when I get home, we try to get to bed about the same time...I just feel like he's trying to take care of me. Maybe he reads my blog...hmmm...or maybe he just senses that I need this right now? I don't know. I do love it though. It makes me WANT to come home and make dinner for him. It makes me realize how much he does around the house. (Seriously, I haven't cleaned a bathroom in months b/c they're always clean!) It makes me realize that we really do 'get' one another. Sorry, am I babbling? :)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The End.
Okay, to see that looks a little dramatic...it's not meant to be.
I've started two different blogs to try and describe all the details of my grandfather's wake/rosary/funeral/burial. One was a very detailed (too detailed) account of everyone and everything and the second was an attempt at a short story to get it out. But here it is:
My grandfather's funeral was hard. Very hard. The hardest part was seeing them close the casket and lock it. The next hardest thing was hugging my dad goodbye when I left. Transference is a dangerous thing.
I've been depressed since that weekend. And now that I write that and I'm tearing up I know it's true. The truth hurts. A slump doesn't even come close. I don't know what it was about the time in Vegas that made it so hard. I wish I saw my family more, even my brothers who drive me absolutely batty with their lives and choices. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live across the street from my family, I'm not insane...I just wish I could see them more often.
My weight has been creeping back up as my food choices have been crappy. I was sick before Vegas, and then got sick again AFTER Vegas. So the gym hasn't been an option, which is okay since I couldn't really drag myself out of bed anyway...sick/depressed...pick one. Whatever. The point to this silly blog is that it is the END of my depression, my dark hole. I will not allow myself to be lost in something that is out of my control. My grandfather is gone. The End. My dad is still alive. The End. I will see my family again. The End. I WILL take care of myself and move along. THE END.
I've started two different blogs to try and describe all the details of my grandfather's wake/rosary/funeral/burial. One was a very detailed (too detailed) account of everyone and everything and the second was an attempt at a short story to get it out. But here it is:
My grandfather's funeral was hard. Very hard. The hardest part was seeing them close the casket and lock it. The next hardest thing was hugging my dad goodbye when I left. Transference is a dangerous thing.
I've been depressed since that weekend. And now that I write that and I'm tearing up I know it's true. The truth hurts. A slump doesn't even come close. I don't know what it was about the time in Vegas that made it so hard. I wish I saw my family more, even my brothers who drive me absolutely batty with their lives and choices. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live across the street from my family, I'm not insane...I just wish I could see them more often.
My weight has been creeping back up as my food choices have been crappy. I was sick before Vegas, and then got sick again AFTER Vegas. So the gym hasn't been an option, which is okay since I couldn't really drag myself out of bed anyway...sick/depressed...pick one. Whatever. The point to this silly blog is that it is the END of my depression, my dark hole. I will not allow myself to be lost in something that is out of my control. My grandfather is gone. The End. My dad is still alive. The End. I will see my family again. The End. I WILL take care of myself and move along. THE END.
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