I'm back

This is just going to be a teaser...there is SO much to blog about this upcoming week...I have no idea where to start. Here is what my next blogs will be about:

• Insecurities. Am I insecure? Effin A yes, I am and my mother in-law manages to make me feel even "better" about it.
• The Oregon State Beavs vs. The SC Trojans, that's right...I was THERE to watch it all!
• Do I have a job? We shall find out tomorrow.
• Is Oregon beer superior to most?
• Why is the espresso so much better in the NW?
• Self-identity...mine is really tied to my job, even though all these years I denied it.

Those are just a few things that came up this week. No idea where I'll start. BUT, at the request of my bloggy friends I needed to throw something out there. :) I hope all has been well. I'm itching to catch up on all of my blog reading. However, since I'll be actually be working pretty darn hard this week (or not at all) it may have to wait. Chat at you tomorrow kids!

Ahhh....vacation...

Well, after a crappy night of sleep and a good 3 mile run this morning followed by another mile of walking the pups I feel much better. I turned on my computer at a quarter 'til 8 and started on a project for my new department, that I'm really hoping that I'm apart of when I return.

Trainer had a minor melt down last night. He had his second grand opening of the facility and this was with the local chamber of commerce. He feels totally defeated up in this new location. He makes calls, tries to schedule networking coffees or lunches and nothing is panning out. On one hand I really do feel bad for him. I hate rejection, worst feeling in the world in my opinion. And what he is doing right now is sales, he's selling himself and how shitty it feels when no one wants to buy your product, especially when it's yourself. So, put this on top of my freak out yesterday...yeah, we were a lively bunch last night. The good thing is that we didn't tap into the alcohol. I almost did, in fact I texted The Democrat but she didn't get my text until later.

There are several good things that are going to come out of this situation. One, I've lost 2 pounds in two days, yeah me. That is 2 pounds worth of beer that I can consume and not feel too bad about. Two, I think my life was ready for a change of pace and a new opportunity to learn new things may be just what I needed. Three, I realized just how much I take everything for granted. I hear about it all of the time. Two of my very good friends are without work right now and one JUST got a job after being laid off for over a month. Oh, and four, since we've been watching the budget (and will continue to do so) I've been cooking more, which will hopefully help me lose the extra 3 pounds of beer that I didn't lose before vacation. :) See..silver lining.

My strong belief is that everything happens for a reason, even the really bad stuff. I'm not saying it's fair or right, but these things tell us something. We change, and usually it is for the better. I know that I am being challenged and I am learning every day what things I need to change in my life.

Well kids, I don't know if I'll be able to blog from Portland, if I can I will. If not I'll keep a journal and tell you all about my beer guzzling...I mean very relaxing trip with the in-laws.

Tolerance

This was the topic of my co-dependency "Thought of the Day" today. How appropriate. Yes, I am a co-dependent person. I need to be needed. I'm working on it.

Tolerance for my own feelings, that I can do...what I'm having trouble with today is tolerating my mad scientist EFFING CFO that we call Plain. He's such a effing schumck. So, late last night...as I was leaving work at 8pm (yes, I was actually working until 8) I stopped to talk to Superman. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't on the list of the people to get laid off. Well...guess what folks? I AM on the list. Well, I was on the list of the President (that we call Peanut) until Superman told him what I did. You know what is totally EFFED up about this? My old boss, the effing CFO, couldn't even tell the President what I did for the company. WHAT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. He totally didn't have my back. I only write all the major reports that get filed with the SEC.

I'm trying to have tolerance for a man who obviously is an idiot. After I had my meeting with him this morning, where he asked me what I did...and questioned whether or not I even liked working for the company...and made stupid comments about my vacation time, he told me to enjoy my vacation. And here's the kicker - I leave tomorrow and we fly back on the 30th. Layoffs will happen on October 1st. Yep, on my first day back to work after my "oh so relaxing vacation that I won't be thinking about the possibility of getting laid off for the first time in my life" I'll either be carrying a severance check home OR I will be moving departments. Which is good because I don't think I can work for Plain any longer.

Please, all of you...do me a favor...click play on my playlist, first song, yep, turn it up...and all together now... "Why you being dickhead for...."

And...cue...MONDAY...3...2...1

First of all...Thank you to all of my bloggy readers and friends who responded to my crybaby post from Saturday. I'm okay, really. If you think back to grade school and all of your friends were in a circle and laughing and playing and you were stuck inside making up work because you were sick and you weren't a part of it...remember that feeling? THAT is how I was feeling. But I'm not any longer. No more green monster of envy hanging out at my house. Just me, Trainer, Fifi and Fido.

Superman is back at work. THANK GODDESS! And though things are still tense at work (we'll have a series of layoffs in a couple of weeks) they're getting back to "normal". And by "normal" I mean totally dysfunctional. It's worse than my family.

In two days I'll be flying off to Oregon for a little vacation. I love, love, love it there! We bought tickets a while ago for the Oregon State vs. USC football game. And yes, I know that the Beavs are going to get killed, but it will still be fun to go. Trainer and I are PAC-10 peeps, I went to Arizona State (yes Slick, you are allowed to say we suck, but ONLY you. Anyone else, and I'll kick your ass!) and Trainer went to OSU (as you could probably guess because why else would we go to Corvallis, OR?). We fly in on Wednesday evening, go to Corvallis on Thursday and stay the night, then drive to the coast and spend the night in Newport, OR and then drive back to Portland for the remainder of the trip.

We'll be staying with the MIL so that ought to make for some good writing when I return. I'm super stoked to go to the coast. The Oregon coast is just breathtaking. The crashing of the waves, the cold mist, the Pacific Ocean that is so cold that it takes only 10 seconds to lose feeling in your feet if you dare to dip them in...ahhh, love it. When I lived there back in the late 90s I used to drive to the coast every weekend. In jeans and a sweatshirt I would lean against and old tree that had fallen on to the tiny beach. Some times I would write, some times I would read and some times I just closed my eyes and listened to everything around me, meditating and releasing all the pent up emotions that I tend to carry around.

The other thing I'm super excited about is the beer. See, I've been trying to lose 5 pounds before my trip so I could gain 5 pounds in beer on vacation. :) How's THAT for logic? They have some of the best microbrewed beer I have ever tasted in the Pacific Northwest. Some beers are only sold in Portland. So, while we're there we're hitting a McMenamins for the Ruby beer...we'll be taking a tour of the Rouge brewery in Newport, I'm sure we'll hit some cool little places in Portland...ahhh...I can't wait! And to top it off...I don't have to cook for 7 days straight...heaven.

Update on the car that I hit in the parking lot...the owner went to a shop and got an estimate of $1,150!!! WTF? And he'll need a rental for four days. Yeah, right...here's my claim handlers number, have at it.

And darkness falls

It's Saturday night and I'm waiting for the time to go by so Yoga Zen Babe can come pick me up with Mr. YZB and Baby YZB. We're going to Trainer's open house tonight. So...I'm bored and I'm reading blogs, check in on my facebook and reading the notifications. A theme amongst my friends..."Looking forward to Seven tonight..." is on several of their pages. Oh.

On one hand, good for them. I'm glad that they are getting together to hang out, support one another, drink wine and talk, talk, talk. On the other hand...blasted. I hate not being there. I hate missing out. I hate not making up part of the Seven. I'm sad. It makes me realize just how far away Texas is.

Yesterday I tried to get a hold of a couple of them. No one answered. Today, same thing. So I left my typical, "I'm thinking of you, call me back if you can.." messages. No calls back. Not even from my parents!! I think life just happens like that you know?

I've had a couple of very hard, stressful weeks with my co-worker being out. (If he's not back at work on Monday morning I'm going to hunt his ass down!) My neck is so stiff that it's about to lock up again. The culmination of everything that has happened between Trainer and I this past year was discussed on Thursday and though we're moving on it still burns a little bit (as it should.) I'm on my period so everything is emotional and 10x worse in my head than it is in reality. (Sorry, should have prefaced with a TMI Girl Style for that last one.) Plus I'm trying to be upbeat for this silly open house and pushing all this other crap just below the surface. The insecurities, the feeling fat and unattractive, feeling unwanted...or rather unNEEDED...forgotten.

And in my logical mind I know that all of that is bullshit. I'm not that fat, just a little chubby even though I run 3-4x a week and eat healthy 90% of the time. I'm attractive from what people tell me, I mean I'm not like Halle Berry beautiful, but I can take a decent picture. I'm definitely not unwanted, I know that. I have friends here that want to hang out and my friends away would love for me to hang out, I'm just not there. Which is the next thing...I'm not unneeded (I know that's not a word, give me a break, I'm in the darkness!! Oh wait, it IS a word!), I have a lot of people who need me. Not necessarily to do things for them, but just to be there. Which is how it should be. And lastly I know I'll never be forgotten. Not by my Seven Diva girls, not by my new friends here, not by my old co-workers.

But here I am, in the partial darkness, feeling sad. And talking to a F-ing computer. Stupid. I'll get over it, probably by the end of the evening.

Holy crap....you all are going to get tired of me. I wrote three blogs today...

Update - the Saint did call me. Thank god. Now I feel like a baby. Oh well. Time to get ready. And don't worry all...no need to call. I'm okay.

The scent of a woman...(bonus blog!)

Anytime I smell Clinique's Aromatics Elixir I think of my Mom, it's what she has worn for years. I think she started wearing it when it came out, maybe not...but for over 25 years now. It's the only perfume that she wears. It's a strong, bold,sensuous perfume, but perfect for her. She embodies all of those things.

I, unlike my mother, like to wear different perfumes, different scents. I usually have 2-3 bottles at a time. One for day to day, one for night and going out and one for an option if there is a third. Right now I'm wearing Armani Mania and Ralph Lauren's Romance, both of them Trainer picked out. I've worn the Armani for over a year now, even replaced the last bottle, something I don't typically do. But, it works beautifully with my chemistry. The Romance I thought was going to be too heavy, but it's not. A little sultry and musky, but it works and Trainer likes it on me.

I'm almost out of my third bottle of Armani so I decided to switch it up. I have a gift certificate for Sephora (LOVE that store) so I took Trainer with me to shop for a new scent. I was going to send him with the g.c., but I thought it was only fair that I went too. (He hates shopping. Period.)

When you walk into Sephora it is just overwhelming. I could spend hours in that store... Anyway, we started on the men's side of the store, it was actually out of habit because that is where I go to purchase Trainer's cologne. I got to preview some of the new scents that would smell awesome on him, but the gift cert was for ME so we headed over to the women's side. SO many bottles, some classy, some juvenile, some just u-g-l-y. I like the bottles that are clear so I can see the color of the perfume. I have always stayed away from the perfume that is on the gold side. They are always a little too much for me. I think that those ones stay on a little longer too, but I could be making that up.

After smelling about 30 different perfumes my nose was tapped out. We were even using the coffee beans in between every three or so. And right as I was about to make my choice the sales lady walks up..."Can I help you find something?" My response usually would have been, "No thank you, we're doing alright." But today I guess I'm feeling a little chatty and say, "Well, I'm trying to find my next perfume...but I'm all tapped out." She grabs this big book and I tell her what I typically like. This book is amazing. It classifies all these perfumes into categories, then sub categories and then subs of the sub categories. She pointed out a few that I didn't even look at because they were dark bottles. I liked one and sprayed it on my arm. Okay..so...um, shouldn't have done that. The scent reminded me of my grandmother, which isn't a bad thing...unless you're looking for that "Come on honey, you know you want to take my clothes off" perfume. Yeah, the fact that I smelled like my grandma totally tripped me out.

I had another perfume sprayed on my other arm and it was quite please. I was just going to get that one when the sales lady said, "I can give you samples of a couple, a few days worth, so you can test drive them." Huh. I never knew they could do that!!! Another reason to LOVE Sephora!! FREE SAMPLES! So instead of just taking the one home I got a sample of that and then another one that Trainer and I both liked. Right now it's between Versace and Michael Kors. Who will win? Which perfume will be 'just right' with my chemistry?

It's funny what a simple scent can represent. Who is makes you think of...what memories that it can bring back. Do you have a signature scent? Or do you like a variety? I'll give you and update in a few days on which scent wins out for me.

Freaky Friday turned into Slutty Saturday

Ugh, I hate being late...on anything...and my blogging is no exception. So instead of Freaky Friday this week we'll call it Slutty Saturday!

I had to draw some inspiration from Sports Mama this week. Not that she's slutty, she just gave me some topic ideas. So this week I'm going to talk about Fantasies! I was never big into fantasies because I had everything that I wanted.... *pause* ....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah...right.

Apparently my biggest fantasy is being slutty, completely out there wanton sex goddess slutty. I suppose that's where the lingerie comes into play. Of course in the bedroom I've made the fantasy become reality. (I swear if you just met me and had never read my blog you'd think I was nice, sweet and easy to talk to...the end.)

Maybe I've read too many romance novels, and by romance I mean the ones that go into great detail during the sex scenes. One of my favorite authors that writes this kind of romance...Susan Johnson. I think that was the first time that I saw the word "dildo" in print, in a story. After that chapter Trainer got lucky. He didn't know what had happened, but he wasn't complaining. And then there are other authors that are kind of out there, but still have those incredible sex scenes, my favorite is Laurell K. Hamilton. She writes vampire novels and also a fairy series...highly recommend it. Anyway, my reading habits are probably another blog...

Back to the bedroom. What is it about fantasies that make sex enjoyable?

I only fantasize about 10% of the time, I really do prefer to be in the moment. I've never imagined that Trainer is someone else, however I have imagined, or fantasized about someone else being in the bedroom WITH us. And it's usually a woman, sometimes a man. Yes, a threesome. How typical is that? I don't want my fantasy to become a reality, too insecure and really I don't want to share my husband with anyone. But it IS fun to imagine while in the moment for that 10% of the time. AND in my fantasies I'm getting all the attention, whether it's a man or woman.

Jeez, this blog makes me sound so generic. Maybe I should have just skipped it...oh well. I promised myself that whatever came out of my head and ended up being typed had to be posted. Good, bad or indifferent.

So, there it is...my fantasy. To be a wanton sex goddess in the bedroom and at times be joined by another person. Now...what is your fantasy? Does it make sex better? Does it detract from it? All comments are welcome. (Well, except for the weird ones...Allan...)

Nine years ago...

Nine years people...today is the day. Nine years ago I woke up in a hotel room in Mexico (after being sick for two days from some bad crab) and got ready for the most important day in my life up to that point. I was getting married.

Trainer spent most of the day at the pool, with his sunglasses on, with no sunscreen. My husband is of Irish descent...do the math. I spent the day ironing my dress and getting my nails done. It wasn't a fancy shmancy wedding since we were paying for it ourselves. We had about 25 people there, mostly family and a couple of awesome friends who made the trip with us (Yay Legs!!).

As I said, I had been laid up for two days with some pretty serious food poisoning, I was generous enough to share my crab (read crab...not crabs) with Legs' boyfriend (now husband) and he was sick too. The "good" thing about that is that I lost some weight right before the wedding! The bad news is that my dress was a little baggy, but whatever. Lucky for me I had a tan so you couldn't see how green I was. It was HOT in Mexico, we got married in Cabo, which is like Arizona with the ocean right there to add a little humidity. Awesome. However, we couldn't have asked for a better backdrop for the nuptials.

The ceremony was in Spanish, which was perfect for my grandparents, not so great for everyone else. We did have an interpreter, but really, you couldn't hear anything over the crash of the waves anyway. Our marriage license is in Spanish so I really don't know if I'm really legally married or not. :) HAHA, right. We are. Married that is.

After the ceremony we toasted with margs (when in Rome)...and everyone got drunk...except for Trainer and me. Being so broke at that point in our lives we didn't pay for anyone's dinner, which everyone was okay with. They actually paid for OUR dinner! And what did Trainer and I have for our wedding dinner??? Pizza. Yep, went to a nice Italian restaurant and ordered pizza. The seafood (fresh) plate was the special, but just the smell of it made me sick. You can't beat bread, sauce and cheese anyway...why try?

It was a beautiful night. After we went back to the hotel we went down to the ocean and sat on a wall, listening to the waves. We didn't have to say anything. We were just soaking it all in. We didn't even consummate the wedding that night! I know, you're all shocked.

Nine years later...

• We're not having sex tonight
• I'm still trying to lose those 10 pounds
• We're still broke
• And we're having pizza for dinner

Update...

I know that many of you know Legs and are concerned for her and her family. The latest that I've heard is that they made it through, but they don't have power. Same with my cousins down South of Houston. They lost part of their roof and their chimney is in their front yard. So, lots of clean up. I'm just so thankful that everyone is unharmed.

In other news...

I hit a parked car. Yep, first time in my life. I was coming back from lunch and swung the truck a tad bit too wide and didn't see that I was too close until the car started moving back and forth. Whoops. I was good though, I left a note with my number. Not a scratch on the truck. Of course right? I think some people would have not even done anything, but Karma is a bitch and she WILL bite you on the ass.

Ike...you dirty bast*rd

If you've been with me long, or have know me in "real" life you know that I grew up in Colorado, then moved to Arizona, spent a couple of years up in Oregon, back down to Arizona for a LONG time and ended up in Texas.

Colorado had snow, no big deal as I was a kid when I lived there, only having to drive in the snow for two years before I moved to the desert. We had tornadoes, and I actually had to go UNDER the elementary school for one of them as it tore right through the neighborhood. Again, I was young...I don't remember the fear, just the excitement of being able to go underneath the school.

Arizona, hot. Yep, that about sums it up. Haha, really...we did have monsoons and the forest fires, although they were far away from Phoenix. Really didn't affect me since I was blessed with having air conditioning no matter where I went.

Oregon was perfect in my eyes. Sure, it was cloudy and gray all of the time, but it was beautiful. I suppose they had some land slides when it wouldn't stop raining, but not in my neighborhood. I was oblivious to any kind of weather danger. The biggest threat of living in Oregon is depression from the constant gray and once again I loved it.

Now, moving to Texas has been quite the experience. On the day we arrived (April 9, 2006 - which also happens to be the birthday of one of my favorite people!) Austin had a record 100 degree day. One of the reasons that we wanted to move TO Texas was to get away from the constant heat. Can you guess how ticked off I was? That summer was hot, everyone we met told us that it was unusual and about 10 degrees above normal. Huh...nice. The next year we had record rain, again, everyone told us that it was unusual and the temps were below normal. I think Texas just doesn't have a "normal".

This year has been warm. It started getting warm in April, hot in May. No rain in sight this year. My grass is dying a slow death as Trainer teases it with water only twice a week. Then...we enter hurricane season. First we had Gustav that hit Louisiana pretty hard. We got a little rain, but I think that was just a system and unrelated. But then...we got Ike. He knocked on the great door of Texas...oh my.

No one knew for sure where this giant was going to strike or how hard until just the day before. It was heading straight for Galveston and then right up through Houston. Now, I have loved ones in both S. Houston and N. Houston so I was pretty freaked out.

Legs is in N. Houston and her husband was away on business. She also happens to be pregnant with my next nephew and of course little Boo is there with her. I bug her starting on Wednesday, then Thursday...being the overbearing, overly concerned auntie/sister that I am. Her husband was trying to get on an early flight so he could help her get the house ready. The only thing she couldn't do was board up the upstairs windows. (That's because she's an independent kick-ass diva) However, I requested that she call me if her husband didn't make it home and insisted that I would drive down there to ride out the storm with her. Of course I have NO idea what it would be like to ride out a storm like that, but I would do it...in a heartbeat. Well...hubby made it home so I didn't go down to keep her company...too bad because I was TOTALLY going to break into her wine fridge and open up a good bottle. :)

My redneck cousins are in S. Houston, very close to Galveston and I emailed them as well, offering up my house as shelter, but they wanted to ride it out. Trainer and I had the weather channel on most of the three days up to Saturday am.

Here is the "funny" part of my story, and I apologize for this being so long...however, Austin had to be involved. "See how Ike is going to affect Austin!" on at 9pm. We were told to prepare for strong tropical force winds and a TON of rain. Selfishly all of us Austinites wanted the hurricane to extend it's horrible arm all the way to Austin, just so we could get more than the sprinkle of rain that only makes your car look dirty because it mixes with the coating of dust. That was the top story. Now granted we ARE the capital city, but the hurricane was no where near us! On Friday morning we were all watching the news. Most of the schools in our area had early release and some were even cancelled so that the gyms could be used as shelters. Again, Austin HAS to be involved in some kind of effort. Reminded me of the times when AZ had it's monsoon season, that was always the top story..."Monsoon 2004!" I mean, come on...we get the storm every.single.year. It's not like it was something new????

Anyway, we were prepared for some severe thunderstorms here in Austin. We were supposed to get rain and wind, thunder, lightning...BIG time storm. Well, we all slept through the night, and woke up to calm skies....muggy...but calm. No wind, no rain...no anything.

Of course the same could not be said for the people in Houston. My cousins lost a big chunk of their roof, luckily it's over one of the spare bedrooms and they were in a different part of the house. Legs and Co. made it through the night as well. She emailed us at 4am, as she was awake listening to the radio with one kitty, waiting for the worst part of the storm to pass over their house. I still haven't heard from her so I don't know if their house sustained any damage. I do know that her husband and Boo and the other kitty slept through it all. Not surprising.

Our first threat of a hurricane has come and gone. *sigh*

In other news my toaster oven is getting a workout. I've even made a roast chicken in it. I know...impressive. AND I didn't have any chocolate Tuesday through Friday. Sorry Slick, that means no chocolate for you either. :)

Freaky Friday - Toyzzzzz

Sorry about the delay...work...sheesh, I hate when it gets in the way.

Today is Freaky Friday where I get to talk about things that are funny, naughty and the kind of stuff that I would dish about with my girlfriends if we were all together. I have had some input by my trusty readers and I'm sure the comments will be just as entertaining.

I got my first "toy" when I lived up in Oregon. At that time Trainer had left me up in Oregon on my own, I had my work friends and a roommate, but that was it. I must add that I was in the BEST shape of my life then...all I did was workout. Sorry...tangent...back to the toy story (hahahaha). My best friend up in Oregon at the time was older than me, by I think 5 years. She was wise, she took me to buy my first vibrator. It was named the "Green Machine" and was a slim line, pretty basic toy. Any Boy Oh BOY was it fabulous!! The GM and I were fast friends and we saw each other at least once a week if not more often. (I did have a roommate after all.)

My second toy I bought on my own. I went to the sex shop late at night with all the perverts (what did that make me??) and looked for what I NEEDED at that point. The vibrator was great and all...but I needed something more. So I bought my first jelly/realistic looking toy. Trainer and I were having a long distance relationship at this time so I was having sex maybe once every 2-3 months. I am a sexual being who needs sex weekly. Sad, but true. So, the combined jelly plus the GM...heaven. For some unknown reason I threw them away when I left Oregon. Maybe I had this fantasy of never needing them again...riiiiight. That was before I hit 30 and before my libido skyrocketed.

Third toy...Old St. Prick. Yep, it was a x-mas gift from Tiny Dancer and it was shaped like a regular vibrator with the head of St. Nick and his cap was the g-spot bonus. :) Yes, it was kind of creepy having the face of old Santa on my vibrator, but desperate times...

My next couple of toys I got through Xandria, the online/through the mail adult store. Now I have a mini cabinet dedicated to all of my toys. My prize possession being the "Rabbit"...glorious. Now, I guess I'm an overly sexed person. I like sex in almost all forms. And sex WITH toys...wow. If you've never tried it don't knock it...and seriously...try it.

I guess I kind of got to a point, more so when I hit 30, that I couldn't hold out for the real thing. I'll take that when I can get it, of course, but it seems like he switched roles. He's always tired, sore from working out, and just wants to sleep. Well 'EFF' that man! If you can't do the job, I've got a couple of replacements for you. Sometimes I'm evil (like Sportsmama) and start "buzzing" when he's right next to me. Seriously dude, it's part of being married....get ON it already. And other times if I'm feeling really, really evil I'll "buzz" in his presence as he's about to leave for work...too bad...so sad.

Please read all of the comments because I'm sure you'll get some great tips on what kind of toys to buy as well as HOW you can use them to their full potential. I just got a tip on one that has a suction cup! Can you imagine? I can't wait to make an investment for that one!

Drowning in a sea of muck

Do you ever feel lost? Surrounded by your closest friends but really all alone? Knowing that no matter how much they comfort you or try to understand they really can't?

I'm sure we've all been here at one point in our lives. We are all connected after all, we all go through similar stages, just at different times.

See, there is this thing called motherhood that I will never achieve. I will never be on the brink of bringing a life into this world. Do I regret it? Well, that's a complex question. I can't truly regret something that is out of my control, as I can't have children. Now, before you go "ohhh" and get all sad for me, know that I married a person who didn't want children. It just happened that we ended up together.

There was a time in my life where I wanted to be a mother of two children, a boy and a girl. I was going to have them young so I could be a "young" mother. I was going to get married right after college. Well, obviously things changed. I got the infamous blood clot, I broke it off with my then boyfriend and I started waiting tables. I know, it's all a jumble, I'll try and break it down.

Boyfriend - The one that I was going to have two children with turned out to be kind of a putz. Yep, I said putz. He was really too sappy for me, although my parents loved him. Maybe that's what happened....no really, a lot of shit went down in that relationship and it was better to leave when I did. Although...we did have great sex...damn.

Waitressing - Now, what does this have to do with having kids?? One might ask that. Well, if you've ever been in the service industry at a corporate restaurant (like Crapplebee's) you'll know why. Kids are unruly, not all, but the ones that came to our little store. Messy little, soda slugging, whiny brats. That's what you see day in and day out in the service industry. It could turn almost anyone off. Although, I still liked my friend's kids, the ones that had kids at the time. But being on the fence...it made me really not care if I had them or not. So, Trainer and I talked about NOT having them. We were both in agreement. He vehemently did not want kids...interesting huh?

Blood clot - I've written about this in a couple of posts, not fun. Of course after the first one there was no reason why I couldn't have kids, that's what the doctors said at the time. After the second and third clot I had the "talk" with the doctor. Actually my hematologist was quite an ass and said, "We talked about you not having kids right?" And at that point he hadn't. Didn't have the best bed side manner.

The whole thing about not wanting to have kids as opposed to not being able to have kids because you're body is "defective", as in it can't do what it was designed to do, brings up some complicated feelings. And like this complicated blog, it gets all muddled. I don't leave baby showers in tears, I don't avoid my friends with kids, I hold the babies, I play with them, change them, feed them...I just don't have that mom/kid bond, obviously. In fact I'm happy most of the time that I don't have the added responsibility.

Ugh, I started this blog with good intentions and an ending, but it's escaped me. I guess what I was trying to say, in all of this blabbering, is that some days I'm conflicted. Some days I'm just sad and angry that my choice was taken away to be a biological mother. Other days I don't think I could handle it anyway.

God...I must be hormonal or something...crap, all crap. :)

I HATE the chocolate bowl...

My fight...every day...is with the effing chocolate bowl that resides in the cube next door. I know that hate is a strong word. But I hate that I have to use my will power every.single.day to not walk over and grab a handful and scarf it down so I can get rid of the evidence. This week is particularly tough. Superman has left on his 15 day vacation (bastard, although he deserves it) and as I said before, I have to do some of his job duties. Where does that put me people?? Think about it.

I puts me IN the chocolate bowl cube.

Every time I go over there it stares at me. I swear it does. AND part of my "job duties" are keeping it stocked. Superman tries to keep everyone happy so there is a lot of good shit in there. Reese's, and not just the miniatures, M&M's - both peanut and plain, snickers, milky way, milk chocolate, dark chocolate...if you're craving it...it's most likely there. They have a bet going here at work that I will consume the majority of the chocolate while Superman is gone. A**holes.

Yesterday I brought my lunch and ate right at 11am, I was starving for some reason. Then a little later I texted Trainer to see if he wanted to meet up for a latte, he said fine, but not until 2:30. I even tried popping some 94% fat free popcorn to stave off the chocolate cravings. Just knowing that I could get up, go around the entrance and eat the Hershey's cookies and creme until I was sick was driving me insane! WHY does it have this power?? (I know the answer people, I'm trying to be dramatic)

I caved, I had two pieces of the cookies and creme miniatures.

Today...a new day...a new fight...

I.will.not.eat.chocolate.

My Shiny New...

...Toaster Oven!!!

Oh how I was so excited to get this, so excited in fact that I braved Costco on a Saturday at 1:00pm. Prime time for those people that go to Costco for the samples, the ones who drag all seventeen people in their immediate family with them including the in-laws, the ones who give you the elbow if they think you're trying to cut into the sample line when all you really want to do is get the frozen chicken tenders out of the freezer. Yeesh people, it's just a tiny PIECE of an egg roll.

I brought it home and immediately took it out of the box. So shiny...I love shiny things. I read the instructions (yes, I'm a nerd like that) and put them in the drawer for quick reference, washed all the parts and found a place for it on our oh-so-tiny counter. The first thing that I cooked in the oven??? Frozen pizza of course! WOOHOO! And it turned out great. Trainer was skeptical, but now he's on board. Sunday I toasted some bread for sandwiches. The possibilities are endless. Thanksgiving?? Piece of cake now that I essentially have TWO ovens!

Our goal for the weekend was to eat at home. No unnecessary spending. It was tough, I must admit, and Trainer was the one who kept us focused. We figured we saved at least $100 of cash this weekend in food and gas from not going out to eat. It's amazing how much it costs these days and there are only 2 of us! After dinner on Sunday night I re-wrote the menu for this week, wrote out the grocery list for Trainer and then wrote a menu for the week after that. So far, 14 meals planned out.

We'll see how well I execute.

Freaky Friday - My inner slut

I've decided to make Fridays a "Freaky Friday" post day. All the things you may not want to know about me...you'll learn. :) So if you're easily offended or embarrassed, I would skip my Friday blogs.

I have an obsession with trashy lingerie. Yep, I admit it...I do. I don't like pretty lingerie, like the Victoria's Secret stuff, I like it trashy, like the Fredrick's of Hollywood stuff.

For those of you who just joined my blog train you might be thinking, "Inner slut? Hell, she's a slutty girl all around! Topless beaches, Brazilian waxes, and needing to get laid??" But really, if you just met me on the street I'd make you believe that I was a pretty low key. Conservative dresser, hardly any make up, no visible tattoos...I work in accounting for goodness sake. If you knew me from my early days you'd really think I was a prude. They used to call me turtle neck girl, always had my neck covered and guys barely got to first base. Sad...I know. Maybe it was all the Catholic guilt repression that built up.

OR maybe it's that I am the child of two Scorpios. Granted, I am a Virgo (boring, but organized), but I think your parents have to play into it somewhat right? Okay, so I don't really think of my parents as sexual beings, I swear they only had sex twice, my mom three times...tops. Scorpios are supposed to be the most sensual people in the zodiac. So, if two of them got together, created a child...you'd think some of that sensuality would have passed down right? That is my thinking.

Anyway, back to the lingerie. A couple of years ago I asked for some lingerie. I didn't want the VS stuff, I wanted the stripper stuff...and beyond. I asked for crotchless panties. :) So I got two pair and I have to say...they've come in handy. ANYWAY, naughty lingerie makes me feel like a video vixen/stripper. Not that I'd want to be a stripper, but I like feeling like one. Using my sexual prowess as power. It's trippy I tell you...better than drugs. (Not that I know anything about that.) Maybe it's the Motley Crue influence? After a couple glasses of wine, Motley Crue blasting...that is a recipe for the slutty dancing queen to show her moves!

I've now moved on to buying my own trashy lingerie. And actually some of it is rather pretty. This past month I bought this little strappy deal in turquoise. It's a barely there deal. I can't wait to break that sucker out this weekend. Next on my list to purchase?? Stripper shoes to wear with my lingerie. Now that's slutty.

Tune in next Friday for my blog about toys...

Politics and other things taboo

I learned at a very young age that certain topics are best left untouched in the work place or with strangers or even some times friends.

Religion, abortion and politics.

Religion - People get sensitive about their religion, THEIR way of thinking and why it's right. I really don't care, I don't believe in religion, I believe in a higher power. Whether or not that is god, a goddess or just the sun, I have no idea. I just believe that there is something bigger than me out there.

Abortion - I am pro-choice for many reasons. I don't believe that anyone has a right to tell me what I can and can't do with my body. It's MY body. What are they going to do...strap me down and make me carry a child for 9 months? I don't agree that people should use it as a form of birth control, but again, I'm not going to lecture them on what to do with their body. If abortion wasn't available I would be dead right now. (see, I told you in the beginning that you might learn more about me than you ever wanted to)

Politics - This one cracks me up. I just got out of our finance meeting. One of our co-workers is going on a 2 week cruise (bastard) and we're splitting up his job duties (me taking on about 60% - yeah) so we had to see the big boss and discuss what we already know. At the end of the meeting the big boss man says, "I just have to say that I'm getting really excited about this election! Is anyone following it?" And my little Smiley co-worker says, "Oh, the speech last night was awesome!" I just looked over and rolled my eyes. Of course I had to chime in, "Uh, yeah. Of course there is a report out there clarifying some of the things that were discussed." And boss man interrupts and says, "Wait a minute...are you a democrat?" I said, "Yeah..." and he says (brace yourself), "Wow, that surprises me. I thought you were smarter than that!" ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME??? I said, "I was raised by an educator, I went to school to be an educator, a lot of my friends are in the profession. Why does it surprise you? Because I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan?" (Of course my mind went to that old commercial...because I'm a WOOOOMAN...) Smiley spoke up again, "Yeah, RA and I agree to disagree, that's how we stay friends."

Nice huh? I'm not a total left-winger, I just have several key issues that I sway more to the left than the right. I think I would consider myself a conservative Democrat. I think that some if not most issues should be handled by the state, not federally. But why does my belief that every woman should have a right to decide what to do with her body make me less smart than my 25 year old, doesn't know much about life, counterpart??

Sorry...my rant for the day.

Pizza

I love pizza.

I could probably eat it four times a week and not get tired of it. Of course I don't because I would gain an astronomical amount of weight and I don't have enough time in the day to work all of it off. Eventually I want to write a 'coffee table' book about pizza and then my follow up book would be about coffee. However, until I'm wealthy and as long as my legs are shackled to this corporate desk, I'll just write about other crap.

Monday Trainer and I went to Rounder's Pizza in downtown Austin. It's a small place, large New York style slices. It's one of my favorite pizza joints out here. The pizzas come in 14" and 18" and since it's just the two of us we get the 14". They slice it into 6 slices, pretty good size slices, and I usually only eat one. (I'm trying this new concept - stop stuffing my face after I'm comfortable, not full...I know...crazy right?) Trainer easily puts down two pieces and could probably do three, but he stops. Now, do the math. We had three pieces at the restaurant which means that we have three pieces to take home! Yeah for leftover pizza for lunch the next day!

Tuesday after a long weekend is never a fun day. And it always seems that the short weeks are really rather long. I went home for lunch, I had it all planned out. A nice big salad with my pepperoni, spinach and red onion pizza. I was salivating just thinking about it. I got home and greeted the pups who always come to the door, their sleepy eyes and tilted ears tell me that I woke them up from their 18 hour nap. (I seriously want to come back as one of MY dogs in my next life.) I went into the kitchen and put down my things, got the plate out, opened the fridge and what did I find?? Yep, you guessed it...NOT THE PIZZA! Mr. Piggy Trainer (jackass) ate my pizza. That means that he ate 5 of the 6 pieces of pizza, that is 11.65" of pie.

I had leftovers from Monday night's dinner. Whole wheat pasta with garlic, broccoli and chicken. Boring. Healthy. Not pizza.

Trainer arrived home as I was eating. I had texted him and asked if he had eaten the pizza, to which he didn't respond. This is what he said when he stepped through the door, "Well, it was in there for a long time! I didn't think you were going to eat it!" Okay...1. It was in there LESS than 24 hours. 2. I didn't think he would eat "lunch" at 10am since he had a client at 11!!! Seriously? It took me back to when my brother used to eat my leftovers before I even got up the next morning. Oh, and to top it off he says, "I'm just trying to help you!" He's joking of course, but it's still not funny.

So.not.funny.

Next time he'd better keep his hands OFF my pizza, or there's gonna be trouble.

Catholic Guilt

I was raised Catholic. Strict, old school, Gregorian Chant Catholic. I went to church every Sunday, I went through confirmation when I was 15...I was even in the choir. My mom is Catholic, my dad prays to the football gods. When I went away to college I went to church...once. They wore SHORTS to church, and t-shirts and it was totally casual!! I couldn't believe it. So, I quit going. Then I started researching (which was just talking to other people) and looked into theology. At that point I declared my independence from any religion. Although, I hate to say, the Catholic guilt stuck with me.

After school was over I moved to Oregon with my then boyfriend (who turned into my husband many years later) where I lived in sin. The place where I worked was a furniture rental company. I got the job by talking about the weather...I'm not even kidding. However it was an office with 11 people total, 6 of which were in the warehouse and delivered the furniture. We were a close knit group and one of the ladies was really into astrology. I've always liked the concept, but that is when I really got into it. From there I explored Tarot, numerology, palmistry and now the cards of destiny. Even with all of this knowledge I still held on to that guilt.

My mother still uses it. I don't think she knows that she gives guilt, it's second nature to her. It is just the way she speaks, acts, etc...

Anyway, on my actual birthday (that would have been the 28th in case you missed it! HAHA) my parents called me, as they always do. Trainer and I were on our way to dinner so it was a short conversation. We were watching some live music down town so when my grandma called I didn't take it, I couldn't hear. I'd had a couple of beers and a shot so I decided to return her calls on the way home. My grandma is Mexican and speaks in broken English, that language barrier can be difficult, even more so when you're buzzed. This was our conversation:

Me: Hi Grandma!

Gma: Mija, I've been calling and calling.

Me: I know, we were out to dinner and now I'm calling you back!

Gma: Well Mija, Happy Birthday.

Me: Thank you! How are you??

Gma: Oh Mija, not good...not so good...no.

Me: Oh no! Is it your eyes?? (She's been having issues with her ears and eyes)

Gma: No, no...it's your Grandpa, he has the Cancer.

Now, I had JUST talked to my parents. However after hearing that news from Grandma and speaking to my Grandpa I called them back. My dad answered and I said "Guess who I just talked to?" He says, "Your Older Bro?" And I said, "No...Grandma." That was all it took. He said that he didn't want to ruin my birthday. Which is nice and it probably would have ruined my dinner. My Grandpa has Multiple Myeloma – cancer that develops from the plasma cells of the bone marrow. We don't know much at this point. Just that he has chemo every week and now they're testing him for Alzheimer's as well. Grandpa's birthday was on Monday and he just turned 91. I just hope that the treatment at this point isn't more painful than the actual cancer.

I called my parents today to get any kind of update. They don't know anything more than they did a couple of days ago, but once they get the prognosis my dad will let me know. Now...for the guilt part. I was talking to my mom and said, "Well, I don't know if I should come out or if I should wait." and she says:

"Well, it's a matter of conscious. It depends on if you want to see him alive or dead."

BAM! GUILT BOMB!! GUILT BOMB!! Who says that?

I wanted to say, "It's also a matter of finances!" Which would have been petty because really what is $350 to see your grandpa before he might pass on? Ugh, what to do. We have a trip planned to Portland at the end of the month, which we planned six months ago. Why can't I be rich or own my own plane? (If I had my own plane I suppose that I would be rich huh?)

Thank god that I'm not having kids. I can't pass on the guilt to my unborn children. Trainer is not affected by guilt (obviously...) so I can't use it on him. I try not to give guilt because I know how much it sucks. It really, really sucks.