Drowning in a sea of muck

Do you ever feel lost? Surrounded by your closest friends but really all alone? Knowing that no matter how much they comfort you or try to understand they really can't?

I'm sure we've all been here at one point in our lives. We are all connected after all, we all go through similar stages, just at different times.

See, there is this thing called motherhood that I will never achieve. I will never be on the brink of bringing a life into this world. Do I regret it? Well, that's a complex question. I can't truly regret something that is out of my control, as I can't have children. Now, before you go "ohhh" and get all sad for me, know that I married a person who didn't want children. It just happened that we ended up together.

There was a time in my life where I wanted to be a mother of two children, a boy and a girl. I was going to have them young so I could be a "young" mother. I was going to get married right after college. Well, obviously things changed. I got the infamous blood clot, I broke it off with my then boyfriend and I started waiting tables. I know, it's all a jumble, I'll try and break it down.

Boyfriend - The one that I was going to have two children with turned out to be kind of a putz. Yep, I said putz. He was really too sappy for me, although my parents loved him. Maybe that's what happened....no really, a lot of shit went down in that relationship and it was better to leave when I did. Although...we did have great sex...damn.

Waitressing - Now, what does this have to do with having kids?? One might ask that. Well, if you've ever been in the service industry at a corporate restaurant (like Crapplebee's) you'll know why. Kids are unruly, not all, but the ones that came to our little store. Messy little, soda slugging, whiny brats. That's what you see day in and day out in the service industry. It could turn almost anyone off. Although, I still liked my friend's kids, the ones that had kids at the time. But being on the fence...it made me really not care if I had them or not. So, Trainer and I talked about NOT having them. We were both in agreement. He vehemently did not want kids...interesting huh?

Blood clot - I've written about this in a couple of posts, not fun. Of course after the first one there was no reason why I couldn't have kids, that's what the doctors said at the time. After the second and third clot I had the "talk" with the doctor. Actually my hematologist was quite an ass and said, "We talked about you not having kids right?" And at that point he hadn't. Didn't have the best bed side manner.

The whole thing about not wanting to have kids as opposed to not being able to have kids because you're body is "defective", as in it can't do what it was designed to do, brings up some complicated feelings. And like this complicated blog, it gets all muddled. I don't leave baby showers in tears, I don't avoid my friends with kids, I hold the babies, I play with them, change them, feed them...I just don't have that mom/kid bond, obviously. In fact I'm happy most of the time that I don't have the added responsibility.

Ugh, I started this blog with good intentions and an ending, but it's escaped me. I guess what I was trying to say, in all of this blabbering, is that some days I'm conflicted. Some days I'm just sad and angry that my choice was taken away to be a biological mother. Other days I don't think I could handle it anyway.

God...I must be hormonal or something...crap, all crap. :)