Blogging Project - Day 11

10 random songs from my iPod

Well, this is an easy one! Although I have a shuffle, so it's always shuffled. :)

1. Gravedancer - Velvet Revolver
2. Home - Daughtry
3. Home - Sheryl Crow
4. Hot in Here - Nelly (explicit version of course!)
5. In Da Club - 50 Cent (Explicit once again)
6. Into the Ocean - Blue October
7. Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
8. Keep Away - Godsmack
9. Lady Marmalade - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
10. Lately - David Gray

Funny thing, this is what I take with me to run or do other cardio (aside from the bike b/c we all know my view on cyclists wearing headphones!!!) I love to run to slower songs, I'm sure it doesn't help my pace any, but it makes me happy.

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Went out for D-Bomb's birthday last night. It was hellafun! Her husband rented a Hummer-Limo and there were 11 of us, drank too much, danced too much, wore high heels and make-up. Crazy good times. Trainer even went (he's such a trooper) and didn't say one thing when we went dancing at Rain (a Gay club in the heart of Austin!) I even danced in a cage...twice... Needless to say we cancelled our 80 mile ride for today. I will have to run, but that's much easier to do when feeling...well, 37 after a night out!

And as you can see, I'm getting back on the workout train. I did a spin session on Thursday, ran Friday morning and then swam 3600 meters with TB (tiny bunny) at lunch for an hour and a half! Today I'll run and possibly swim then tomorrow I will ride long. It feels good. My mind is good. Overall...good!

Blogging Project - Day 10

I know, I know...two in one day! But, I forgot to post my 'Day 9' yesterday!

My first love and first kiss

Well, they are definitely not one in the same! My first childhood kiss was with Alan D., a kid who lived down the street from me, we were in 4th grade. We snuck behind my fence and it was over in a millisecond! Ha! My first 'real' kiss (that made me feel all tingly) was with Dan R. in the back of his mom's van on the way back from watching him play hockey. Super romantic!! (NOT!) We had no idea what we were doing, I believe I was 15 at the time, Sophomores in HS. I was pretty much a prude, so 1st base was really it for me. Okay, that's a lie, I think I got to at least 3rd base by the end of HS. BUT, didn't go 'all the way.'

Until...

My first love...*big sigh*....Ricky. The summer after HS Hoe and I went to upstate NY to spend the summer up there. I supposedly had a job (that is why my mom let me go), but in reality Hoe and I just split her paycheck and we were both the grounds keepers at this pool. I'll have to find some of the pics and scan and post. HIL-AR-I-OUS!

Anyway, within our first week there I had met most of the town (it's really tiny) and we went to a party at the 'beach.' (The beach was really a sandy area where there was once water.) All of the kids hung out there around a bonfire drinking and doing stuff that kids shouldn't be doing. It was great. We were just hanging out and this guy comes up to us, he is CUTE and has the most beautiful smile, hair, eyes...and he wanted to talk to me!! ME! What? I know, I was shocked. At this point I didn't believe myself to be a very good looking person, nothing special and I wasn't an outspoken person (my, how things have changed!), or comfortable as the center of attention. Ricky was the homecoming King, the best looking kid in class, very popular...all the things I wasn't.

He ended up taking Hoe and I home in his little sports car (which was the best car in the area) and gave me a small kiss when he let us out. SMITTEN as a kitten I was. We started hanging out, a lot. He was a runner (yep, apparently my 'type') and used to run 8 miles up to the pool. He would get there all sweaty...and drive my 17yr old hormones crazy! We got pretty far on many occasions, but it wasn't until I feel in love with him that I was ready to take that next step. But I did, and it was awkward...the first time...and glorious...and I loved him even more.

Then the summer ended....and he broke my heart. Not right away. We promised to write, call, do all that sappy shit that teenagers promise. I got to school, he wrote me one letter (ONE!) that said that he started dating this chick the same week that I left. I went back a couple summers after that, he was getting married...yes, to that chick. And he almost called it off after we went driving and all of the feelings were still there. But alas, he went through with it. *Le sigh* And I continued on my path...that led me here.

I'm going back to NY this summer for Hoe's wedding (yippee!!) and I hope that he's there. I don't think he will be though...and that's probably good b/c there was a short period of time that I kind of got stalker like on him. :) Hey, I was young! Can you find my younger self?

Blogging Project - Day 9

How I hope my future will be

Hmmm, well, we already know what I would like the next 10 years to look like. Aside from material goods...I hope that my future will be spent living in Austin (or San Diego if the 1,800 square ft houses on the beach become affordable) and traveling with Trainer.

I also hope that one of my brothers have children that I can spoil so I can bribe them into taking care of me when I'm old! That is one (really the only one I see) downside of not having children. Although, my alternative plan is for T and I to check into one of those adult living areas (like the one from In Her Shoes) and party it up like we did in our 20s.

From now until retirement this is what I hope:

• To be happy with what I'm doing for work
• To open a wellness center with Trainer
• To build a savings account that will leave us more than ready for retirement
• To build a spending account for travel and then...well, travel!
• To stay in shape and be participating in tris into my 70s!
• To possibly, maybe, if the stars all align do an IronMan (shit...did I really write that?)
• To write and publish at least one book
• And a lot of other stuff that I cannot think of right now!

But for now I just want to be content with my life. Roll with the punches and keep a smile on my face every day.

Blogging Project - Day 8

Holy crap...are you all as amazed as I am? I've blogged every day with the exception of Sunday??? (That is my weekly gift to myself - no computer Sundays!) And on with the project:

A moment I felt the most satisfied with my life

I can remember the first moment I felt the most satisfied with my life. I was 23 years old, living in Oregon with a random roommate (who I got through 'Roommate finder') and sitting in the park by the water. My roommate had to work, I had the day off, it was a Monday. (I used to work Tues - Sat) And I decided that 'today was the day' that I was going to be okay. Trainer had left me in Oregon to go back to Arizona. This would have been April of 1997. Our 1 month of true separation. He wasn't happy, which was making me a nervous wreck and we decided that he should move back. Like I mentioned, I got a random roommate and stayed in our cottage like apartment. (I loved that place.)

This one perfect Monday in April I took my journal down the the waterfront, a blanket and some water and just sat down and watched life happen around me. I didn't wait for anyone to come home and be with me, I didn't want to meet up with anyone, I wanted just to 'be.' The day was lovely and eye opening. I was okay, I was really going to be okay. Everything happened for a reason and maybe Trainer leaving me was the best thing that had happened. I grew up in that time. I gained confidence, awareness and a freedom that I didn't even realize was missing.

After that day I would go see movies by myself, eat out at a sit-down restaurant by myself...I did everything solo. In the cheesiest terms...'I found myself.' And the person that I found was (IS) awesome.

Don't be fooled and think it was happily ever after from that point on. My life became very turbulent after I moved back to AZ in 1998. And stayed in this vortex of confusion until 2008. When again it hit me (over the head like a ton of bricks) that I will always be okay. I always have myself and everything else (my love, friends, house) is icing on the cake. (That would be yellow cake and chocolate icing - fyi!)

Today and everyday I'm satisfied. Like I said, every single day is a gift. Some you have to wait to open, and some seem like it's a 'white elephant' gag gift. Just open your eyes, your eyes, and see all of the gifts around you...starting with yourself. (Below - me in 2008, Oregon coast)

Blogging Project - Day 7

My Zodiac Sign - and do I think it fits my personality

My Sun Sign is Virgo, with Libra Ascending and a Virgo Moon. :) I dabbled in Astrology for a bit and had my chart done. I'm fascinated with it. The funny thing is so are my two brothers, although we didn't know that each one of us was looking for the same information at the same time...siblings. Ha.

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Here are the basic traits of Virgos (from http://lilycat.net/virgo.html):

The sixth sign of the zodiac is concerned with:

* self-perfection, critical faculties

* altruism, honesty, responsibility

* cleanliness, hygiene, health, healing

* efficiency, daily routines, reliability

* strength of character, veiled sensuality

* service, hard work, passivity, modesty

* incisive communication, shrewd logical thought

Elemental Quality

Virgo is the mutable earth sign of the zodiac, indicating adaptable practicality. It can be likened to a semi-shaded patio which has been adapted to make a garden filled with a great variety of plants, climbers, and an arbor. Half-hidden, here and there, are garden chaise lounges with rich patchwork covers, bottles of homemade organic wines, and other unexpected practical delights.

Spiritual Goal

To learn to discriminate between destructive criticism and simple wisdom.

The Virgoan Female

If a woman behaves in a way that is distinctive of the personality associated with the zodiac sign of Virgo, she will have a tendency toward the characteristics listed below, providing there are no influences in her personal birthchart that are stronger than that of her Virgo sun sign.

Appearance

The typical Virgo woman:

* has a pointed chin and a face in repose

* the eyes are often soft and very beautiful

* the hair may be long or short but is normally impeccably groomed

* the mouth and lips are well formed

* is typically clean and very neatly dressed

Behavior and Personality Traits

* can analyze situations in detail

* is devoted to her work, usually serving others in some way

* is basically shy

* has incredible strength of purpose

* will pursue happiness wherever it leads

* is pure of mind but not naive

* thinks of herself as more orderly and efficient than other people

* has a delightful, straightforward personality

* does not express her feelings easily

* can be soothing one moment and critical the next

Young Virgo

If a child behaves in a way that is distinctive of the personality associated with Virgo, he or she will have a tendency toward the characteristics listed below.

Behavior and Personality Traits

The typical Virgo child:

* is quick, alert, and an excellent mimic, and so can learn many things in a short time

* gets upset if he or she forgets something that has been learned by heart

* rarely questions authority but frequently questions facts

* is honest and reliable

* is usually shy among strangers

* loves to do jobs around the home imitating an adult

* is sometimes a fussy eater

* is usually tidy, with occasional bouts of disorganization

* gets very upset if teased

* is often an early talker and reader

This next part from the website gives me a LOT of insight:

Bringing Up Young Virgo

Young Virgos will try very hard to please, as long as they know what is expected.

As they grow up they will often find close relationships with the opposite sex very difficult.

Virgos take a lot of convincing that they are attractive people. Lots of genuine praise and encouragement early in life will help to smooth the path to true love in teenage and early adulthood.

Parents should never interfere when their young Virgo begins to notice the opposite sex. Even the slightest hint of criticism or teasing may cause Virgos to withdraw and choose the single life.

Young Virgo's Needs

Young Virgo must have physical affection, in the form of hugs, and sincere compliments every day in order to build the self-confidence that every typical Virgo child lacks.

Negative Factors

Virgos are nervous worriers, and a friend who in some way feeds the worries will reduce Virgo to a nervous heap.

Virgos can be cold and critical, so a friend who softens the barbed remarks with caring laughter will bring out the Virgo wit.

Most Virgos find it almost impossible to admit they are occasionally wrong.

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The website goes more in-depth and I agree with the majority of traits on there. I display the good and the bad of the sign, however with the Libra rising I'm also a peace-keeper/moderator...which has been/is prominent in my life. So, in a rather large nut-shell, yes...I believe it fits me.

Blogging Project - Day 6

30 Interesting Things about ME

Okay, some of these may be repeats from the past, but if you're a new reader and not obsessive (like me) you may not have seen these!

1. I am not a morning person or a night person, I'm a day person.

2. I have no favorite color

3. My dad calls me Pumpkin, still. To this day. And I tend to call other people's kids Pumpkin.

4. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff.

5. I love my birthday, I try to make it last the entire month, although Trainer only indulges me with a week.

6. I've had 4 major surgeries, two that put me into the ICU.

7. I can play every instrument proficiently, with the exception of the guitar.

8. I love peanut butter. Love, love, love.

9. I did not want kids prior to learning that I cannot have kids. But it still hurt when I was told.

10. I work so I can live, I do not live to work.

11. I love the Fall, you still get the warmth but with some crispness in the air.

12. I have to work at being athletic, it does not come naturally.

13. I believe that everyone should read a contract before they sign it.

14. People that take advantage of 'the system' make me angry.

15. I love the Akita breed and cannot fathom owning a different kind of dog.

16. I want to write a 'coffee table book' about pizza, just travel, try different local pizza and write about it.

17. I love dark chocolate, red wine and black coffee. It's a rich (tasting) life.

18. I love breakfast in bed, fortunately I found someone who loves me enough that it happens often!

19. I love growing old, every year is a gift.

20. I love to read.

21. I love hanging out with my cronies (as Trainer affectionately calls my friends!)

22. I hate scary movies.

23. I am the middle child and have a classic case of Middle Child Syndrome.

24. I am messy by nature, but have a very organized mind.

25. I love buying athletic clothing.

26. I love road trips.

27. I love staying in expensive hotels.

28. I think the worst feeling in the world is rejection.

29. My favorite movies are: Chocolate`, Bridget Jones' Diary, any Harry Potter movie and the Bourne Series.

30. I am spoiled. And I deserve it!

Those are just 30 things. Wow, that is a lot of 'I' there! I hope everyone had a nice Easter and a fantastic Monday. Later Gators!

Blogging Project - Day 5

A time I thought about ending my own life

Hmmm...this is going to be a very short post. I have never thought about ending my own life. I've been overwhelmed by sadness many times in my life, to the point of not wanting to get out of bed or function, but the thought 'death would be better than this' never crossed my mind. I believe that suicide is a very selfish act. I've known people (personally) who have taken their own life, and then I witnessed the aftermath. The shattered lives that are left behind. I could never consciously do that to another human being.

Plus, as we know, my life is pretty darn good. I've always had a roof over my head, food on the table and people around me that love me.

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In other news, Brody is growing like a weed! Trainer and I had a good night out last night, started at Opal Divine's for some awesome local brews, then went for sushi at Tomo (amazing sushi, like seriously amazing) and then back to Opal Divine's for some more awesome local beer. Passed out by 10pm....sad.

It was a late start to the morning. We ventured out to a closer Farmer's Market...which was a complete bust. Had coffee at one of my favorite bakery's and then drove through my dream neighborhood. We took a flyer from a house that is for sale, I was thinking 'It's got to be at least $350k' and I was wrong. $599,000!!! Holy crap! We'll have to do some hard looking to find a house that is not in shambles that is in our budget. Two years to get there...two.short.years.

Off to do stuff...have an awesome Saturday!!!

Blogging Project - Day 4

My views on Religion

How to approach this... I guess I'll start with my background. I was raised Catholic, by my mother. My father's religion was Sunday football, which I learned to love and embrace. I was in the 'contemporary' choir and went to the 9am mass when I could drive myself. Before that my mom and I attended the 6 or 7am mass. I was baptized, I was confirmed, and then I went to college.

When you go away from home you leave everything you know. My church was pretty straight laced Catholic, Gregorian Chant was the early mass and what I was used to, even the 'contemporary' choir wasn't too loose. I went to Sunday mass on the ASU campus and was appalled. People were wearing SHORTS and FLIPFLOPS to church!! What kind of madness was this? There was no 'and also with you' part of the sermon, I just didn't get it, it didn't fit into what I knew, so I refused to go. No one cared anyway, no one was watching over my shoulder...which was why I went out of state to attend college. :)

After that experience I started learning more about Theology and religion and found that I really don't care for organized religion. Believing in one meant that you thought someone else's beliefs weren't just or correct. Perhaps that is an extremist's view?

My aunt once told me that astrology was the work of the devil...and that I shouldn't be reading that rubbish. Really? For real? I have more of a universal approach...for my belief system:

Everything happens for a reason.

There is a higher power that I pray to, but it is neither man or woman.

I will pray when I feel like praying, and my church is usually on the road, whether I'm running or riding.

That's about it. Wishy washy? Yeah, you could say that. Simplistic? Yeah, maybe that too. But I won't apologize for my belief system or lack of structure. That's it for today!

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In training news (or lack of training) I ran today, 3 miles with D-Bomb and we did it so we could have coffee talk afterward. I love training days like today! I may actually get 4 or even 5 workouts in this week?? Crazy. I know.

What I believe makes images like this possible:

Blogging Project - Day 3

My views on drugs and alcohol

My drug of choice is caffeine. Yes, it's a drug. And we all know how I dig my red wine and fancy beer. But as far as being an advocate of drugs...not so much. I experimented with pot in my early 30s, did it 3 times. Each time I just wanted to find a dark room and go to sleep. So for me it wasn't a big deal. I've never tried harder drugs. I guess I just don't like that 'out of control/out of my body' feeling. I like control, I'm a bit of a control freak (and I'm okay with that!)

Each time I was in the ICU I had access to some pretty hard drugs. I was allowed Morphine every 30 minutes. I only took it once. I wasn't out to prove anything, but I would rather feel pain than be in pain and not really care. Does that makes sense? Any surgery I've had I was prescribed Percocet or Oxycontin and I always had most of the 'scrip left over. Just not interested. It's all Nancy Regan's fault...'Just say No to drugs!'

In a nutshell - LOVE wine, LOVE beer, not into drugs.

Blogging Project - Day 2

Where I'd like to be in 10 years

Hmmm...where would I like to be in 10 years? Alive and kicking for starters. Seriously though, I'd like to be living in a much smaller house about 5-7 miles South of where I reside today. I would like to own his and hers beach bicycles that Trainer and I could ride everywhere together. Mine would have to be equipped with a basket so I could go to the grocery store. I can see us peddling to the coffee shop on Saturday afternoons or Sunday morning and to the bar at night! It's going to be great.

Job wise I really don't know. If I'm still here and growing I'd be okay with that. If I get stuck in this position for too much longer I'll have to find something else to do. I've always tossed around the idea of going back to school...for psychology...to be a therapist. But more than anything within the next 10 years I would like to take some writing classes and get these stories that I've started published. I know, it's cliche' but I want to write books and if I can get something off the ground in the next 10 years I would be very, very happy.

Also, in 10 years (more like less than 2!!) I will be debt free, with the exception of my house. I will have an emergency fund and a HUGE retirement fund started. And Trainer and I will finally go on our Trek trip to Napa.

See what I mean about getting older!! Look at all of these things I have to look forward to! Getting older, aging, letting the years go past...it's a celebration I tell ya! Bring.It.On.

Blogging project - Day 1

My current relationship

Oh, let's see...I've been married for 11 1/2 year and together with Trainer for 16 years. Can I stop there? No? Really?

I've blogged about my relationship before, I've blogged about marriage before. It's like this (for us anyway) - marriage is work, it is hard and can get down right brutal (emotionally) some days. But, every single step, mistake, trip leads us down this path...a path that is full of love and reward and understanding, not only of the other person but of yourself. I never knew how to value myself until I was forced to look into the mirror. Was I worth love? Yes. AM I worth loving? Yes. Do I love myself? More than ever.

Trainer and I met when I was 21, graduating from college and entering my 'wild' (haha) phase. For me 'wild' was spending all of my tips (@ $40 a night) on beer, staying out until 4am and going back to work at 11am. We didn't hook up immediately, but once we did there was no looking back. We had a connection (albeit completely sexual at that point) that led us from the bedroom 16 years ago the the alter. Life is funny that way.

I love him, I love myself, I love our life. Marriage is hard, it is work, but it is worth every tear, every heartache, every smile.

A new challenge...

Okay, so my friend Sprinter started this challenge on her blog this past week. She is an amazing person, talented writer and a great friend. I never finished my other 30 day challenge, so hopefully I can do a little bit better on this one! We shall see. Day 1 - to be released by end of day!

Taxes and bike rides are both a pain in my a**

Okay, well the bike riding is a literal pain in my a**! This weekend I went on a 77mi bike ride with D-Bomb (this will be her nickname, training partner from last year and now great friend!) The funny thing is that our Coach didn't think we could do it, or feel good doing it rather. But we did and I felt great afterward. I mean, I WAS ready to get off my bike at that time, but the whole experience was rather pleasant. Sure the wind was blowing, but nothing compared to our ride last weekend. There were some hills, but nothing too severe and the scenery was beautiful. All in all a wonderful day.


Last weekend Trainer went out of town for training and I started the taxes. Ugh, I loathe taxes. We always owe. We own a house, but the interest is just not enough of a deduction and since we don't have two footed children we lose out there as well. Last night I settled in to finish and see if I could whittle away some of the payment. The ultimate goal is to owe $0 and receive nothing back. The goal was not met, but in some ways it is a privilege to pay taxes. Call me weird, that's fine, but it does support a lot of good programs (a lot of bad ones too, I'm not a complete bleeding heart) and I've known people who have used those programs. But it is never fun to see your savings account shrink in an instant.


This week I'm ready (I say this every week don't I?) to get started on my program. Really, I'm tired of being out of shape. I'll refrain from saying 'fat' but seriously all of my muscle has turned to mush. Blah. I have to get in more than 1-2 workouts a week and start on my strength training again. I hate starting over, but if I don't stop then next year maybe I won't be in this position? Maybe? And maybe this pollen will clear out of the air so I can breathe just a bit easier.


Nothing much to report otherwise. The Brodster is a cutie and he starts training this week. We'll see how that goes. Sprinter is doing a 30 blog challenge and I may steal it, give me some writing inspiration. :) Until then peeps...have a great day!

The Friend Keeper

Instead of the bee keeper...get it? No, okay...fine.

Way back, like at the beginning of my blog, I think I mentioned that I'm a friend collector. Not on purpose, it just happens. I'm a good listener and it makes people like me, then they get to know me and love me. I love back. This used to drive Hoe crazy. She sometimes got annoyed that I had so many friends. From kindergarten through college and then onward into 'real life' I just accumulated some really great relationships. Every one of my friends has meaning in my life and despite the time lapse...or even distance. I keep those people in my heart and thoughts and when we do connect it's like not a moment has passed.

Last year I had a rupture in a friendship. It was horrible. This person was one of my best friends. A person who I could go to with anything. A person that I could ask advice and trust that I was getting good information. One slight problem. This person was a man. *Gasp* I know...shocker right. Because men and women can't be friends? Bah. We were great friends. We dated EONS ago in college (we know what 'dated' means right?) and continued our friendship after a break of about 5 years I think? We would email weekly, I could talk to him about issues that I was having in my marriage and he would give me some perspective that I wouldn't have thought about. He was supportive of my tri efforts as he started down the road before I did.

We talked about everything. Training, spouses, work, his kids, my dogs...our lives. And yes, sometimes he would start his email with, 'What's up cupcake?' or I would say, 'What's going on cookie?' I never thought it was lewd or inappropriate. Trainer knew that I talked to him on a regular basis. I was very open with that fact. He knew that this person did triathlons and was a newbie like me. He knew of our past life. He didn't have a problem with it, but I think it was because it was all out in the open. SO, what do you think happened?

Right. This person wasn't as open with his spouse and she intercepted an email from me while he was racing. I think the email said, "what's up cookie? I think you should do the race anyway. You're going to be the asshole either way, so might as well do it." Apparently she didn't appreciate it and went through ALL of his email accounts. He unfriended me not just from facebook, but from everything. And I understood. And I accepted it, until he made me feel bad about it. Then I got angry. Angry that he wasn't honest. I mean...we don't have to go into every single detail of our 18 year relationship, but maybe talk to her about perspective and how I'm married etc. I guess he did tell her that and she lashed back that I wasn't happily married if I was writing a married man starting with "What's up cookie?" How dare she judge me.

Eh, maybe I crossed a boundary? I told Trainer about all of it as it was happening. Yes, even the part about "What's up cookie?" and he didn't care. But maybe some people would think that I did cross some line. The worst part is that is was all so sudden. Whack! No more emails. No more support. No more friendship. He emails sometimes to check up on me if I haven't posted here. So I know that he still cares. And I respect that he is abiding by her wishes. I would do the same. I know that. It just hurts though. No one wants to be the main topic of a married couple's argument.

I believe that men and women can indeed be friends, close friends. I have one at work. He's married, I trade books with his wife, and I get coffee with him at least 3x a week. But I learned my lesson. I don't email him starting with 'What's up cookie?'

Anyway, love and loss. Life. I don't know why I had to share that story...I wanted to write about it when it happened, but I needed distance from the situation. And I still feel the same way. I hope that one day we can be true friends again and he doesn't have to sneak to email me a message asking me if I'm okay.

Have you ever lost a friendship? It sucks.

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In other news... Training is started! Okay, so I only ran for 30 min, but more than I had done in a while. Tomorrow I will ride 50 miles. I am getting back at it!! My goal is a 1/2 Ironman in the fall. There. I said it. Shit.

This is family year. Trainer's dad is coming in May, I have my reunion in June so I'll see Hoe and my brothers, my parents are coming out in July, Hoe is getting married in August!!!! (And we're going up to New York for the ceremony. I'm so flippin' excited!!!) Trainer's mom is coming out in November. Holy crapola!!

It's going to be busy, crazy and overwhelming...and I cannot wait!

Going towards the light *explicit language

Two months...I think that is the longest I've gone without blogging, but it was a good and necessary break. I'll try to make the recap short.

So we know that the shit storm happened from November through February. There was a point in which I decided to go get help. I'm not sure if it was when I broke down in front of the CFO (my old boss) when I was SO angry that the flood of tears just broke through...or if it was every time that Trainer and I went to grab a drink and I would end up crying. While out at a BAR. Seriously it was getting ridiculous. I am a happy person I think. Sarcastic, yes...but overall I think I have a good outlook on life, especially the older I get. I love my years of aging, they make me feel wise instead of just old. I am secure with myself and my relationships...so really I was getting tired of all of this crying and not being able to say Gunthar's name or the phrase 'Yes, my dog died' without the tears. The hardest part was actually going to the Dr., and when they ask why you are there, replying 'I'm sad.' That was it. THAT made me cry too. He put me on a magic little pill...vitamin Z as my other friend affectionately call it. I take a 1/2 a pill a day and I don't know if it is the placebo effect or the fact that I went and got help...but I felt better in just a couple of days!

Just now...like in the past 2 weeks...I started seeing my friends again and exercising. This is an improvement. I'm motivated to get moving again. Yay! I met with my coach and have a plan. Of course my allergies aren't cooperating, they put me down for a week, but the drive is there even if the lungs are not. I'm staying at my current job for now. They gave me the tiniest of raises (but hey, it's something) and more options. But really it came down to economics. I have 1 1/2 yrs left to pay off the debt, hopefully less if I can swing it. I don't need the extra gas expense or benefits or an hour commute...and..and...and...you get the idea. I took the emotions out of it and here I am.

Brody, the new little guy, is a monster, but a cute monster. He's going to be huge. Right now he's in the puppy biting stage, but housebroken. Sydney is doing great with him, I mean he's a pain in the ass, but she is tolerating okay for now.

Alrighty...well, enough for today. Tomorrow's post, or perhaps Monday, will be about the loss of friendship. I have a great story. Peace out my little peeps!