Friday, August 29, 2008

When the going gets rough...think of your friends

So, obviously I don't have children. When my life goes array and I'm thinking that it couldn't possibly get worse I usually call up a girlfriend to talk about it. They console me and validate my feelings. Then I always ask how they're doing. Some days they are fine and some days they are so busy that they can't get to the phone and I end up with one of these in my in box:

(This was in response to my birthday picture email)

OMG! You look frickin' gorgeous! Hopefully Trainer noticed and paid some overdue attention to you and your smooth cha-cha! :-)

Looking at the pictures made me feel 3 things:

1. My friend is f*cking hot!
2. I'm really sad that I wasn't there. :-(
3. How weird that I don't know any of these people, with the exception of Trainer and Legs

Was Yoga Zen Babe able to go? How is she? How are you? I was sleeping when you called. I had a bad day yesterday. At one point, I thought I was totally going insane. I lost it and broke into tears about 3 or 4 times throughout the day and then Hubby and I had a bad phone conversation in the midst of my breakdown. I think I just try to hold it together so well 95% of the time, that I forget how exhausted and overwhelmed I really am.

After all was said and done and our actual storm passed (we had some monsoon yesterday), it was cool enough for all of us to go outside and play, which was wonderful! It was breezy and it cooled off like 20 degrees, so that was nice. The kids love it outside.

I think it will be better once daughter #1 goes back to preschool. There won't be as much entertaining to do, and I can play with the twins more than usual.


Day after day after day just gets really hard. I'm so sick of picking up the house and cleaning the kitchen! Blah!

Anyway, back to you, birthday monther girl! Any juicy stories to tell about your partay? :-)

Okay, so you're thinking...heck, I've had those days right? Well, the next morning I get THIS email in my inbox:

Okay, so to continue from the message I sent on Monday:

F*CK! It's supposed to be nap time, but my darling daughter #1 woke up both babies with her "playing quietly" routine she attempts in lieu of sleeping. Here's how it all played out:


M: Honey, go to bed!

D1: Okay, Mommy. Lil' Sis is awake.

M: Okay, just go to bed!

D1: Okay, but I think Lil' Sis is awake, Mommy.

M: I heard you, honey, I will deal with it. Go to bed!

D1: (somehow thinking she heard me say, "Hey, honey, will you bring Sis down, please?) Mommy, here's Sis...(as Sis sits and cries at the top of the stairs).

M: Did you get her out of her bed?! GET TO BED! (I scoop up Lil Sis and take her back to her bed for nap while Honey bursts into tears. This sudden dramatic cry of despair wakes up Lil' Brother, of course, who was sleeping soundly) Now they're both awake! Get to bed, close your eyes, and I better not hear one more sound coming from this room, do you understand me?!

D1: Yeeeeeeeees, Mo-o-o-mmmmy... :-( (as she is still bawling).

I go downstairs to resume my "rest time" hoping that the babies, who are both still crying, will go back to sleep. After 10 minutes, Lil' Brother is still crying, so I go upstairs to comfort him. Well, since I have creaky floors, Lil' Sis hears me get him and starts to fuss herself! Lord in heaven, seriously?!

I put Lil' Bro back in his bed (who is not happy with my choice) and I check on Lil' Sis. Well, guess what! Lil' Sis i
s poopy! Go downstairs, change her smelly diaper, take her back upstairs and put her back in her bed.

Meanwhile, the child who started this whole nap nightmare is sleeping soundly like the princess she is in her pretty comfy bed!

p.s. Babies are still crying...which is why I didn't answer the phone when you called today, and why I haven't tried calling you back yet...

On top of it all, I have a big ass pimple on the side of my mouth (what?), and I have no idea what we're having for dinner!!!! Cue the Calgon commercial!!!

So, life is effin' great, rockin', no troubles. Today, on my way home I will call Soul Mate (who's children's name I've changed to protect their identity...hahaha. That's me letting you know that she really doesn't call her kids those silly names) and let her just talk it out. That's better (and cheaper) than me having to fly to Arizona to get her out of jail.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My next 25!

Okay, so this is my 50th post! Yeah me. AND it just happens to be my birthday! So you'll be learning 25 more things about me that you may or may not know.

1. I hesitate going into the ocean because I have a fear of sharks, stemming from an incident (involving older bro - go figure) when I was 14. Shark Week on the Discovery channel doesn't help this fear. Although I love being ON the water, just not in it.

2. I am a music major who now writes financial reports and has never been paid to teach a music class.

3. I have lived in five states: California, Colorado, Arizona, Oregon and Texas. Oregon was my favorite. I would move back in a heart beat if Trainer would agree...but that's not going to happen.

4. My oldest friendship is 31yrs old this year. Love you Hoe!

5. I sucked my finger until I was 10 years old.

6. My puppies names are inspired by the characters from Alias.

7. I love popcorn, I'm allergic to it...but eat it anyway. I can eat an entire box of Crunch 'n Munch in one sitting.

8. I hate bugs, especially roaches...and the biggest ones I've ever seen are in AZ and TX. I cringe just thinking about them. Scorpions run a close second. Sad isn't it?

9. I talk about people behind their backs. *GASP* - yes, it's true. And I laugh at them too.

10. I have a closer relationship with my 6th grade teacher, who is also a family friend, than my own grandparents.

11. I am pro-choice and will NEVER vote for a candidate that is anti-abortion. (Did I really just make a political statement? And don't get all riled up, this is just 25 things about me.)

12. I love to cook, I just hate that it takes time.

13. My parents made me take a Hunter's Safety course when I was 15, where I learned to shoot a gun, but my dad never let me come up to hunt.

14. I have asthma, I've had it most of my life. My mom didn't believe me until I was taken to the emergency room at the age of 13.

15. I cannot stand to watch American Idol, public humiliation/rejection really, really bugs me. I am embarrassed for those people.

16. 40 hour work weeks feel like cheating the system.

17. I went to a topless beach once but didn't have the guts to take off my top.

18. I can be very this morning when I chose to read the rest of my book rather than get to work on time.

19. I take terrible pictures, my hands always shake.

20. I worked road construction for a summer, I was a flagger and used to eat Popsicles to stay cool. That would always stop traffic.

21. Some days I feel trapped at my job, I can't quit and start over because I make too much money that we depend on to pay the bills.

22. I hated the Care Bears when I was a kid and they were popular.

23. The only time I ever got in trouble was when I was 10 yrs old and I said (out loud) that I wish my little brother was never born....I said it to my dad...whoops.

24. I am a messy person, no matter how much I try and straighten up, it always goes back to messy.

25. I have nightmares about becoming pregnant.

Well, there you have it. Some more interesting (hopefully interesting) than others. And, as promised, here is a picture of my cube... Can YOU see my computer screen???

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A "lifted" blog...that would be STOLEN!

I totally stole this blog from Sue...who doesn't know me, I just found her blog today. So...THANK YOU Sue!

Is there anyone on your blog list you would ever consider having sex with?
Hmmm, well...yeah. There is.

Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Yes, yes and YES please!

What side of the bed do you sleep on? (lame question)
Facing the bed from the foot I sleep on the right.

Pork, beef, or Chicken? (more lame)
Chicken. Bagock!

Do you know all the people in your blog list?
I haven't met all of them, but some I know very, very, very well.

Love or money?
Love , obviously...we're not rollin' in it.

Credit cards or cash? (where are the naughty questions?)
Debit...which is cash...and sometimes CC when we're super duper tight...which spins us in that ugly circle of debt. Love it.

Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
Yes, but it would have to be a LOT of money.

Imagine that you work in a strip club. Describe your costume, routine, and give us your stripper name.
My costume would be a leather bra and thong panty set...the bra wouldn't have cups, just the under wire "shelf", my routine would be to GnR's Welcome to the Jungle, and my stripper name would be Sasha Getuwet.

Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
I don't believe so...if I had been I probably wouldn't remember...anyone??

Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
Yeah...well. Not really, but I did take a spill (several times) on the dance floor of Carlos and Charlies in Cancun. After that my friend (Tiny Dancer) got some gum stuck in her hair and the bartender gave me a very large sharp knife to cut it out of her hair...yeah...luckily she's still alive.

Kissed someone of the same sex?
More than once...but only once "for real" as in tongue and everything. We were trying to convince this guy that we were lesbians....

Ever had sex in the bathroom?
Not in a public bathroom, but certainly my own...probably in every place that I've lived.

Have you ever had sex at work? I've dreamed about it though.

Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yep, several times.

Have you ever bought anything thing from an adult store?
Yep, I bought my first vibrator at one in Oregon. I've bought other things through an online adult store...and I'll continue to do so. What did we call it? Super-cock 2000??

Ever been caught having sex?
Not by my parents. Maybe by a roommate?

Does anyone have naughty pics of YOU?
Hmmm...I don't think so. Anyone care to fess up on this one? There WAS a video once, but it was destroyed...I think.

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Yes, they've been called, "God", "Jesus", and there is usually an expletive in front of these.

Who do you think has the balls/cajones to re-post this?
Nobody, you're all pussies. *thinking* Okay... maybe some of you. Maybe those who are not pussies will make their answers even saucier. Maybe. (Okay, I have to admit that this was her answer, but I like it so much I'm keeping it!!)

***And now I'm totally self-conscious of misspelling anything...I'm sure you'd all call me on it!! :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Spelling...and other pet peeves

Why the fu*k can't people spell?? This is perhaps one of my greater pet peeves. There are SO many "tools" that will check your spelling, least of which is the FU*KING dictionary. In case you've forgotten how to use it they have an online version now. Hooray for us.

Seriously. I belong to WW online. (I can't stand the meetings) A lady who was trying to write 'supposed to' wrote 'spouse to'. Is that even CLOSE??? Okay, I suck at grammar, I'll admit it, I do. I even have the grammar check 'tool' on. I have two friends, Soul Mate and The Executive who are grammar sticklers, and I always double check my emails before I send them to those two. Trainer...terrible speller. But, at least when he's writing an email or his blog he uses the spell check function.


Why can't people DRIVE the speed limit? Another pet peeve of mine. I'm not saying that you have to haul ass and drive 15 miles over the speed limit, but come ON man, just go the sign's not a suggestion.


Why do people assume that I don't LIKE children just because we don't want to have them? Why do people assume that I am BAD with children? Kids LOVE me, I think it's the big boobs...who knows. I love certain kids, mostly the ones that are pseudo related to me, which includes all of my friend's children. I'll admit that when I'm in a restaurant and I hear a screaming child I cringe. The only people who aren't cringing are the parents who have selective hearing and the ability to shut that other noise out. Which is my NEXT pet peeve...

If your child is screaming in a restaurant why doesn't the parent REMOVE the child? I don't want to be a part of the lesson or school of thought that just lets children throw tantrums or lets them 'cry it out'. What kind of bullshit is that?? I know, I know, it's difficult to go out when you have children so you want to enjoy your time out. That doesn't mean that you have the right to interrupt everyone else meal. You popped the kid out, it's 18yrs (if you're lucky) of sacrifices for you, not for me.


Why do people get dogs just to put them in the backyard? These animals need companionship, leadership, and to be a party of the family (or in their mind - the pack). We lived in Phoenix for almost 15 years and I knew people that kept their dogs outside. These people should have been kept outside. Assholes. I can understand if it is a working dog and the climate is okay, or if they have acceptable shelter, as long as the dog is happy and healthy. But to keep a dog outside with no contact with people, just food and water? For shame people, for shame.

My pups are a part of the family, they are spoiled, they get to sit on the furniture, we get a sitter for them if we're gone over night. I don't expect that everyone would do this...but it's similar to having a brought the dog home - time for you to make the necessary sacrifices that come with ownership.


Going out to eat in large groups. This is a great thing, we're all having a good time, it's loud, it's funny, it's wonderful...up until the time the check comes. I usually take over the duty of splitting up the check since I work with numbers all day, apparently I'm good at it. Most of my friends are WONDERFUL about splitting the check, but there are a few who really only want to pay for exactly what they got...not a penny (literally a penny) more. When Trainer and I go out to eat with another couple we'll usually just suggest that we split the check. Even if the other couple had more to eat or drink, which is usually the case. We figure that it will all work out in our lifetime.

The penny pinchers...get a life. Seriously. We're all broke. We all have debt. We ALL need the extra money. If you can't part with those pennies...stay home.


My last pet peeve is this silly blog right now...I'm having spacing issues...they are there, but not when I post... (#*&%(*@&#@

Monday, August 25, 2008

There is evidence

What happens at our house, stays at our house...or not really. It's not Vegas after all. As I said in yesterday's post, the party was indeed a success. I have friends from all over: co-workers, ex-co-workers, my college friend and friends we met through her husband, WW friends, my running partner and my first running partner and of course Trainer's friends who are now my friends. Lot's of people. I'm adding to my collection of friends.

The party start time was 7pm, of course the first person arrived at 7:30 or something like that, and then they all came at once. It was overwhelming to say the least. Legs and company arrived first. We started chatting and then more people showed up, then more, then more...and suddenly I had a full house. The pups were on their leashes so they wouldn't jump up on people. Normally I don't care, it IS their house, but since there were going to be children there for a bit we decided it was best to have them in close proximity to us. I had Fifi and Trainer had Fido. The food was excellent, our chef DD, had exceeded all my expectations of what a caterer does. The plates were never empty and it was delish.

Now, there was about an hour in which I had nothing to do as we waited for the guests to arrive. I had eaten lunch at noon and I didn't want to eat after that because there was to be food there. wasn't quite done when Trainer asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said yes, as it WAS my birthday party, why not start a little early?? So when people started coming over I was a tiny bit buzzed. I finally ate something but continued to drink. In fact, I don't believe that my wine glass was empty all night long. That being said, I don't remember EVERYTHING that happened. I did hear that drunk RockinAustin is funny. Great, what did I do. Unfortunately the camera didn't come out until I was on my second bottle (yes, bottle - not glass) of wine.

There was a picture of me in the kitchen (this is where I perched after a while, let the people come to me attitude) with my glass of wine, still looking respectable. My tan was looking FAB-U-LOUS by the way. Very Brazilian. ;) Then the pictures start to get fuzzy...literally. You could really tell which ones were the ones that I took, not just fuzzy, but so blurry that you can only tell who people are by the color of their clothes! Then the "interesting" pictures started coming. There was me getting huggy with everyone "I love you man!", there was me sticking my tongue out, there was me rubbing the pregnant bellies, then rubbing the not pregnant (but looked pregnant) males bellies, there was me laying on the counter with all my wine bottles, and there was me and my friends husband doing weird things to his wife, who is pregnant, and it was just...wrong. Who the fu*k took that picture? Poor unborn child... Then towards the very end come the boob/cleavage shots. Yep, you know the ones...and you can probably guess who was behind the lens.

Lucky for me...and certain unborn cameras were invented and I could delete these pictures before they were ever viewed by anyone other than me...

Yesterday I had a killer hangover that didn't go away, I still feel a little bit stupid today. Ahhh, the joys of being almost 35...wrinkles (the evidence of living a good life, smiling a lot), the ability to drink 2+ bottles of wine (and not getting sick, although it may have helped), and lastly the 2 day hangovers (these better not get longer as I age).

It's fabulous.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The birthday party

Oh my effing head hurts, my stomach feels like I've been on a rocking boat non-stop since I woke up and my bones actually ache. You know what that means right? It was a really good party. :) Writing this is actually challenging at the moment because I have to look at this white's bright. Apparently we didn't go to bed until about 3am, I woke up this morning at the upstairs bedroom...and I have no idea why. I think that I was turning the lights off upstairs and the bed looked good. Hmmm...yeah, maybe that's what happened. Although, my clothes were on my bedroom floor that was downstairs.

That's it for now, I'll write more later...when I have time at work...HAHAHAHA!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The funny thing about blogging...

When you decide to start a blog you kind of put yourself out there. Now, I originally started this blog to keep my far away friends in touch with my life here in Austin, but then it became a living breathing thing. Somewhere I could go to get out all those thoughts that are in my head. My good friend Sportsmama really got me into this whole thing. Anyway, also through her I've found some really funny, witty sites. I've added them to my blog list on the side there. Check them out.

The other thing that happens when you start blogging is that you want people to read your blog. You WANT the comments (of course Allan's was...interesting), you want to know that you are connecting with people. The best way to do this is to comment on someone else's blog and hope that they come see yours. Of course when you do should think about the content that you are posting on such day. Such as talk about sex, self-servicing and vibrators. Not that I'm ashamed of any of those things, I enjoy them all. :) However, as pointed out, it's quite an my apologies, and there is never a reason to have to knock at my door.

Yesterday I was bored out of my mind at work so I went back to read some of the blogs I've posted, and I tell you, I was pretty witty myself in the beginning. Not that I'm intentionally slacking now, but there are days when my posts seriously lack humor or meaning. I'm going to try and avoid those, but bear with me if you see a couple. It takes a while to get the creative juices flowing after writing company financial reports to be submitted to the SEC.

Today is my birthday party, how exciting huh? I have a list of crap that needs to get done, starting with walking the pups this morning. So, I'll leave you now...but I'll be back later. If I'm not too hungover tomorrow I will give a full account of the party, everything that I can remember anyway.

Oh, and in case you were all concerned...I finally got laid. Thank god, the goddess and any other spiritual entity that had a hand in it....haha. Peace out!

Friday, August 22, 2008

I just want to get laid...

I'm going to start off by saying that this is a TMI post, you can take that as "Too much information" OR "This must (be) interesting."

Is that TOO much to ask?? For goddess sakes people!!! I get waxed for two reasons: 1. It's nice in the heat and humidity and 2. It's GREAT for sex. I mean, come on...that plays into 85% of the male species fantasies. And I know for sure that Trainer is in that 85%! I endure the pain, albeit a short lived pain, to look sexy, hot, feel good...and NOTHING, NADA, NOT EVEN A GLANCE. Last night I went to bed frustrated and today I get spray tanned at noon so no sex today/tonight either (you can't get sweaty and the kind of sex that I want will definitely get sweaty).

For goddess sake (again), I had to take care of it myself. Praise be the person that invented the vibrator. :)

Now, if that doesn't get your Friday started off right...nothing will.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A question to ponder...

One of my best friends is going through a divorce. God that's hard to say. I mean, the divorce itself is not nasty, just the circumstances surrounding it. The papers were just served and the long legal road begins. And of course with a divorce or break up you naturally start to think about dating again. She asked this question:

If you had to pick a male celebrity (personality type, looks, etc.) that would be my type of guy, who would it be?

Oooh, good question. You almost have to know your friends about as well as yourself to come up with the same answer as what is in their head. And of course, this particular friend I do, know well that is.

She's very much like me in many respects. We're both recovering co-dependents, and we have to work on it We both want to be taken care of but also have the natural instinct to be care GIVERS. We often give too much of ourselves and have a hard time accepting help, especially when it comes to letting us help ourselves. We both love to read all kinds of books, we love all kinds of music (and were raised on the same oldies tunes), we love discussions, we love to write. So what kind of man would be good for her?? I chose Patrick Dempsey for her. Not the same as I'd choose for myself. However, he's strong emotionally and physically, he's talented, he has his own hobbies...he's HOT. Yep, that's who I'd pick for her.

Now, for me...and funny, this is who she picked out for me...I picked Matt Damon. Not your typical hot Hollywood guy. Not like his counter part Ben Affleck. But in that rugged, you know he'd be good to you and good in bed way, he's hot.

How about you? Who is your celebrity guy? And not just for looks, or physical pleasure. Who do you think would suit you?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The 'All About ME' week begins...

I suppose it started when I wrote my blog about August huh? Here is a run down of my week, I'm preparing for my big party on Saturday!!

Monday - Nothing because Monday's suck.

Tuesday - Massage by Brassy and it was fabulous.

Wednesday - Facial by Smiley's sister and again, fabulous.

Thursday - Wax on...riiiiippppp....wax off. Yeah, this may not FEEL fabulous, but I'll LOOK fabulous...just about everywhere.

Friday - Airbrush tan. Yep, I've gone Hollywood.

Somewhere in here I need to throw in a mani/pedi. I'm thinking the manicure on Saturday while the house is being "put together" for the party. The pedicure I'll have to do either tonight or tomorrow since I can't get my feet/legs wet after I get airbrushed.

This will be my second airbrushing experience. It's a little funky to be standing in front of someone (a complete stranger) for about an hour, hands out, completely naked. Here's the "funny" thing...last time I went (which, again, was the first time) I took off all my clothes while she was in the room and what did I cover??? My breasts. Yep, left the va-ja-jay out there, but had to cross my arms over my boobs. HAHA! This time will be doubly interesting because I'm getting waxed the day before. I won't spell that one out, and I'm sure they've seen it all...but still. After I'm done I'll look like a Brazilian Super Model, white teeth and bright eyes...okay, maybe not a Super Model, but I'll look Brazilian. Ask Yoga Zen Babe, she saw me after the first one.

The other funky thing about getting an airbrush tan is that you can't really put your underthings back on after you're done. So, you leave the facility going commando, top and bottom. Last time I thought I was going back to work afterward, but had to call Smiley and tell her, "Yeah, I'm not coming in." She said, "Are you okay?" and I said, "I can't wear a bra." I think her laughter was enough to tell me that she understood.

I haven't decided what I'm going to wear to my big soiree. I don't want to get too fancy since it's just at my house, but I want to look good. I got my hair cut last Thursday in a Katie Holmes meets Rihanna kind of way. I LOVE it. Super short and tousled, but more to the front. It's hot. So, I need the outfit to go with the hair, that goes with the tan that compliments my nails. Any ideas? :)

I know, I sound like a complete spoiled brat right now, and I am. I love, love, love my birthday and I'm not ashamed of it. A day that is ALL.ABOUT.ME!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Splitting our time...

So, I was on my way home and called Soul Mate at our designated time...that would be nap time. If I get off of work right on time I hit it perfectly and yesterday I did just that. Yeah! I love talking to my Soul Mate, always refreshing. Anyway we were talking about Trainer and some of the silly stuff that he's been up to and I said, "You know, some days I want to be single. NOT to be out on the market again, I don't want to date, I just want to be single." And really, if I wanted to I could make that happen. Then I said, "Here's an idea...." and it goes like this:

We, as women, should be able to split up the year in one of two way is if you have children and the other way is if you don't.

If you have kids you will split your year like this: Month 1 - You're a mom, Month 2 - Married, no kids, and Month 3 - You're single. Repeat for the whole year. Of course Soul Mate wanted to interject and say that your kids lives just pause while you're away, they don't grow up.

If you have no kids you'll split your year like this: Months 1-6 - You're single, Months - 7-12 You're married. That way you and your husband can do what ever the f_ck you want for six months and then you're truly devoted to each other the last six months. HAHAHA! Right.

I started writing this last week, before the weekend...and I didn't make my weekend post. I hurt myself on Friday morning, I stretched wrong and locked up my neck so badly that I couldn't move my head, couldn't walk without shooting pain going up to my head, couldn't type...ugh. The funny thing is that my neck locking up is a result of all of the stress that I've been under at work and home for the past two weeks. Not good. It's NEVER good when your stress manifests itself in physical ways. Although I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I have a hard time expressing myself to Trainer, I'm sure some of you are like, "What????" but it's true. As much as I talk, gab, write, I just have a hard time being straight forward and getting things out. I don't like feeling vulnerable, and when I have to bring up certain things with Trainer that is exactly how I feel. Vulnerable.

After hurting myself on Friday I was unable to go anywhere, unable to do ANYTHING. It sucked. Saturday was more of the same, not doing much. Sunday...more rest. But I did manage to talk to Trainer, managed to shed some more tears, managed to get out exactly what I wanted, asked the questions that needed asking and you know what? I feel much better.

I still can't turn my head all the way to the right, but it's better, it's a start.

I'm still not completely healed emotionally, but it's better, it's a start.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What I want

You'd think that asking for what you want would be easy. It never really is. It SOUNDS easy, but sometimes the task of asking doesn't seem worth it. This probably goes deeper than most people want to read about, but I believe that my mom contributed to how I feel about asking for things that I wanted. I was rejected (told 'no') SO many times that I stopped asking.

Me: Mom, can I go over to Kelly's and play?
Mom: Only after you clean your room.
Me: Okay, all done. Now can I go?
Mom: Only if you take your brother

Me: Mom, can I spend the night at Jake's house?
Mom: No
Me: Why not?
Mom: Because I said so.

Me: Mom, can I go see a movie?
Mom: No.
Me: What if I take my little brother?
Mom: No.
Me: If I clean my room?
Mom: No.
Me: Dad, can I go to the movies?
Dad: Ask your mother.

My whole life was like that. If I asked my dad and my mom found out...BIG trouble. Then if I wanted something it was always tied to something else. Never just, 'sure hon, go ahead', nope, not in my family. I hated being told no, it was like a small rejection every time, so I just quit asking. I would always assume that my mom would say no. The ONLY time she ever surprised me was when I asked to go to upstate New York for the summer with Hoe and she said yes. That story needs to be told...definitely in another blog.

All those experiences in my youth affected me. When I started working I hated asking for a raise or a review. Afraid that they would say no, or that there would be strings attached. In my relationships, if I was rejected in the slightest I would walk/run away. I didn't ask questions that could lead to rejection. I always gave alternatives so the answer couldn't be a plain 'no.'

But, this weekend I got up the nerve to demand something. Something that I wanted. Actually I've done it a couple of times in the past weeks. Trainer lost his wedding ring in the move, which he never wore anyway, but I asked that he get a replacement. I said that he had until our anniversary to get it done, which is three weeks after my birthday. I don't care that it costs money, I'd rather have that instead of a silly birthday or anniversary present. Oh, and I told him that he had to WEAR it this time. I asked for other things too, things that I thought he wouldn't do, but he did.

I don't know if I'll ever be up to the task of asking for a raise or a review, but at least I'm making strides in my personal life. I asked for something with a questionable outcome and it turned out okay. The past may haunt me, but the future doesn't have to loom overhead. The future can be different. I can say no to things that have strings attached, I have choices, I have a voice.

Friday, August 8, 2008

There's this song...

Okay, so a while ago I was in crisis mode, you can read the previous posts and get that vibe. Anyway to help me through my "funk" my good friend The Saint made me some kick a** cd mixes. They are labeled "strong women #..." and this last one, #7, is hilarious. It has a bunch of angry British chicks singing about relationships and there is the one song called "D!ckhead" that I could listen to over and over again. Seriously, if your significant other has ever, ever, messed up in any kind of way you HAVE to hear this song. I wonder if there's a way I can put it in this blog...hmmm... I think all of you would appreciate it, unless there is one of you out there that has found the perfect man who has never done anything wrong ever...and if that's're lying.

It's funny how music can represent what we're thinking, feeling, going through... It's as if the artist or song writer is living your life. Of course the same can be said for poetry, or sometimes it's just a simple quote. It can put everything into perspective. These things bring us together, they make us feel like we're not alone. I mean, how could we be alone if someone else that is somewhere else is going through the EXACT same thing that we are?? Ahhh...I could go on and on. The universe is connected, we are all connected, everything happens for a reason and happens at the appropriate time in our lives. Life is a big lesson. I think I'm averaging a C+ right now.

What songs touch you? What songs represent your life? Your love? Your family??

Songs that touch me:
Holst - The Planets (I realize this is an instrumental song, but it's powerful)
Ashlee Simpson - "Say Goodbye"
Toad and the Wet Sprocket "Windmills"
Gary Jules - "Mad World"
And many more...

Songs that represent my life:
Sheryl Crow - "Soak up the Sun"
Ashlee Simpson - "Beautifully Broken" (I know some of you can't stand Ashlee, but I like her)
Oh, so many...

Songs that represent my love:
KISS - "Every Time I Look at You"
Dave Matthews Band - "Crash"
Macy Gray - "Freak Like Me"
And again, many more...

Song that represent my family: there a song that sums up any dysfunctional family?? I'll have to think about that one.

There are so many songs and at different points in our life we are touched. These are mine for now and some that will be on those lists forever.

How about you? What songs do you connect with? What makes you think of that special person or people in your life?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Balance, balance, balance...

There are so many things in life to balance. Nothing can be off kilter. What would we do if that were to happen??

The first thing that needs to balance is your...check book. Sad but true. If this doesn't balance the rest of your "act" could be seriously doomed. Money isn't everything, and believe me I know it's not, but it sure makes things easier. Since Trainer's new adventure this has become a tricky task. I used to be able to do my books on the weekend, or even with a glance of the checking account know exactly how much we could spend or not spend. I never used to worry about what I bought at the grocery store, if I wanted it...I bought it. I clipped coupons because it was fun to look at the Sunday ads, not because I needed them. Of course this all sounds like we're loaded, and we're not, we were just comfortable. Now it's a different story completely. And again, we're not broke - just really tight. But I wouldn't trade Trainer having this opportunity to run his own business. Balance.

What else do we balance? Oh yes...probably bigger than money (again, money makes it easier) is work and home life. This is one of the biggest balancing acts of all. I know that my balance has always been off on this one, it's heavy on the work side. I sacrifice a lot for work, although it's never been a problem because Trainer is the same way. It didn't matter what he was doing, work always came before me. It wasn't a problem until I decided to change my priorities. (Funny how that is....) Most of my friends had the big priority shift when they had kids. Trainer and I will never have that third party to contend with. Good or bad? You don't realize what is truly important until you either have a child or a life-changing experience. You would think that I have had some life changing experiences to shift my balance, but honestly being in ICU didn't do it for me. I haven't found this balance. I'm trying...but I'm not there yet.

Yourself...yes, you have to balance WHO you are with WHAT you do and with WHOM you do it. How to do this and remain true to yourself? Who are you really? Where do you draw the line with giving to others and giving to yourself? How do you balance your insecurities with your needs and how do you tell the difference?

I'm pretty sure that many women my age go through the "finding yourself" phase. I went through it at 23 and I'm still learning. I was left on my own in a place that was new to me. I was heart broken and felt like all of my worth was wrapped up into one person. It took me a year to figure out that I was a strong person and that I loved myself. I found out that I was good company and I found that I could give a part of myself without giving my whole self. Balance.

I wish I were 23 again so I could find that balance. Plus I didn't have these wrinkles...huh.

Friday, August 1, 2008


Do you know what today is?? It is August 1st...and what is the significance of that? It's BIRTHDAY MONTH! Okay, so really I only get a day, in my world I get a week, in my mind I get a month. I know, it is totally ridiculous, but after the birth of my dear baby brother this was the only thing that was mine and mine alone.

My birthday is actually on the 28th so I have a while to go. I've never been one of those people who dread their birthday. Trainer is definitely one of those. I mean, what is the big deal? It's one more year, some additional wrinkles, BUT a year's worth of knowledge and that is cool. I feel more powerful as I get older. Once I turned 30 I had the right to demand from the 20 somethings - "Hey you, yeah you...young thing...get me a F-ing glass of wine. Red and dry. Make it snappy!" I also have the knowledge to help people and the wisdom to know when and when NOT to give that advice. Yes, getting older has it's advantages.

Yoga Zen Babe is moving out to Austin this weekend! How flippin' excited am I??? Pretty excited! For all of those who will be missing her, I promise to take good care of her and send her out for visits every once in a while. :)

That's all for today. I know, lame...but, I do have work to do. Someone has to bring home a paycheck and keep their job...that would be me. So, until this safe!